In the end, I don't think he was trying hard enough or taking things as seriously as I was, the urgency was lacking . . . and in my mind we were well past the point of "urgency to meet" being reasonable. I think he thinks that I was unreasonable and maybe even selfish, but. . . well. . . I think he's wrong.
I was angry, really angry. I'm still kinda angry if I'm being honest. I'm sad too and it's hard, but mostly I'm angry. Angry that I let myself try again. Angry that it didn't work. Angry that I don't feel like he tried hard enough. Angry that if he didn't try hard enough it means that I liked him more than he liked me, that I invested my heart and he didn't reciprocate. Okay maybe I'm hurt about that. . . but I think you get the point.
So now I move forward, one step at a time. . . without him. I'm trying to heal and trying to figure out the next step in seeking out what I'm looking for. I certainly learned a lot from this and there are things I'll do differently when I embark on another relationship, although I feel like the idea of embarking on another relationship is completely daunting right now. . . soon enough. . . but not yet.
I'm a little afraid that people will just roll their eyes and say, "Yea yea... we've heard this before..." but well, this is my journey and if I'm gonna blog about it, then I need to be honest . . . even if it does make people roll their eyes at me.
I'm thankful for all those who read here and who comment. . . and I'm thankful for those who read and don't comment (I know you're out there. . .).
We'll see where the road takes me next, huh?
Bekah
Oh... and in the interest of this post not being completely vanilla . . .
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| This pic pushes my buttons . . . in a good way . . . |
I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time. I think it's great that you stand up for yourself. So often subs (especially new ones) allow themselves to be hurt and won't get out because they feel it's unsubmissive. You are taking care of yourself and protecting yourself which is what you should do! When you're ready, I'm side you'll find what you're looking for. For now, you take the lessons that you learned with you.
ReplyDeletehugs
p
Thanks p, I really appreciate the encouragement. . . and yes I am taking the lessons I learned with me and filing them away. And thank you for putting words on the fact that ending things feels somehow "unsubmissive". . . that's definitely true and it made it a lot harder.
Deletehugs
Bekah
Sorry things haven't worked out. LDR are tough especially when you're on a journey of self-discovery at the same time. You've learnt things and hopefully you can build on the experience for future relationships.
ReplyDeletehugs
DF
LDR's are tough. . . and yes, I certainly do have a lot of self discovery going on. Thanks for the encouragement.
Deletehugs,
Bekah
HA...you said daunting...one of my favs. And of course the goal is to get from daunting to...dauntless. LOL! Just sayin... (sorry couldn't resist)
ReplyDeleteI do wish you both the best. Sometimes we have to go through these trials and tribulations to learn and grow and become who we need to be...or are meant to be. It's not always easy, but hopefully in the end it will lead you to much more happiness.
DV
I DID say daunting. . . I rather like that word as well. . . lol.
DeleteThanks for the encouragement, I appreciate you stopping by and taking the time.
Bekah
Dear Bekah,
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry for what you're going through, both of you. I wish I could find the right words to help you feel better, but I don't know if they exist.
I don't think you should be angry with yourself for having tried it once again. I believe it's important to know: if you hadn't tried, maybe a part of you would have always wondered what could have happened. Now you know. In French, we say it's better to have regrets than remorse.
I send you a big hug and hope to read you soon.
Take care, Bekah!
SC
Thanks Soumise, the hard part will pass. . . and hard things prepare us for what's next, I know that. You're right, I would have always wondered, so in that way I'm glad I took the chance again.
DeleteThanks for the hug!!!
Bekah
Sorry to hear it.
ReplyDeletethanks Conina
DeleteOnce again, I am sorry Bekah. If you don't try and take some chances, you can never know what will happen. I would not have met my husband if I hadn't made a huge leap of faith. You will I hope try again in the future and my hope for you is that it will be with someone who is closer and who you can get to know in person perhaps even before embarking on such a vulnerable journey together.
ReplyDeleteThank you Susie. . . I will try again after I take a little time to pull myself back together. . . I gotta get my sea legs again. I don't think I will do something that long distance again either, there are so many complications. I had always said I wouldn't do that anyway, I broke that personal rule with B. . . I don't think I'll do it again.
DeleteBekah
Sooooo sorry to hear. I will keep you in my thoughts... hoping the right man (mine came when I least expected it) comes at the right time! Keep you chin up, and come visit me if you need a story!
ReplyDeleteSorry it took me weeks to respond..I went on a blogging hiatus... but thank you for your support and yes... I'll cross paths with the right one eventually.
DeleteBekah
I'm sorry i'm so late to this. :( And i'm sorry this happened again, but look at this way - you can never question if you gave it a fair shot or not. You tried, and you tried again - maybe it's just not meant to be, but you certainly gave it your all, and you can't do anything more than that.
ReplyDeleteI hope things are okay now, and I hope you continue to write in this blog. You know how to reach me if you need to talk. :)
Hey Kenzie,
DeleteSorry it took me so long to respond... I kind of took a break from blogland. You're right, I did give it my all and I'm glad I can have confidence in that.
I'm gonna put up a post today or tomorrow... and I'll find my way to catch up with your blog in the next few days as well. I've missed everyone!!!
Bekah