Tuesday, July 30, 2013

A Quick Note

Just wanted to say hi to everyone... My life got crazy busy and then I planned to post this weekend and got taken out by a pretty nasty stomach virus.  I'm finally back to normal thank goodness.

I'll try to get a real post up tomorrow but in the way of news... I'm good, B's good... And I've been pretty good here lately.... Here's to hoping it lasts... Lol

I'm gonna share some pictures I like... For your viewing entertainment...

Love this saying.

I feel like Yes Sir is the only possible answer to this...
Unless I was in trouble in which case I would be back 
pedaling *fast*.... Which wouldn't work... Right Sir??

Mmmm..... Yes Please... Even though cuffs kinda scare me...

Maybe more like this....

I love how in control he is... And how lost 
in the kiss she looks...

Until next time,
His devoted one

Monday, July 22, 2013

Getting to Know You, Getting to Know All About You . . .

Yesterday's post was pretty heavy, so I figured I'd balance it out with a fun little meme I'm borrowing from Angel Blue.

I have another dream post I'm thinking about trying to put together . . . but, well, it was vivid . . . really vivid . . . I got out of a punishment for cumming without permission because B agreed that I might have spontaneously combusted if I hadn't finished "taking care of myself" after waking up from this dream . . . and just thinking about posting it is making me blush . . . so we'll see.  Maybe soon . . .

For now . . . a meme:

What do you wear to bed? Either just panties or nothing, it's a rule . . .

What's your favorite pet name for your SO? Ummm . . . I like calling him Sir . . . I greet him "my Sir", which came about because he always greeted me "My devoted one."  B's better at pet names than I am . . .

What's your favorite thing to do on a rainy day? Curl up with a book or curl up in front of a good movie.

Your favorite snack food?  Maybe Pringles or Chex Mix, I pick out the chex and eat them because they're my favorite.

Do you cry at sad movies?  Sometimes.  It depends on my mood before the movie started.

What's your favorite implement to be spanked with?  I like the belt and I like the feeling of skin on skin you get with a hand spanking.

Is your hair long or short?  Shoulder length and curly

What size is your bed?  Queen.

Do you have sex with the lights on or off?  Not up to me . . .

What's your favorite "around the house" outfit? I spend a lot of time in just a tank top and panties.  I am rarely fully dressed in my house . . .

How do you drink your coffee or tea?  Iced tea . . . sweet but not too sweet.  If I drink coffee, I like it iced.  I'm not a big fan of hot beverages, I have to be realllly cold to want one.

Are you a bargain hunter?  I definitely shop according to sales.  I almost never buy things that aren't on sale at the grocery store.  And I'm a big clearance shopper especially for clothes.  So I guess so.  But I'm not like a couponer . . . although I wish I were.

Do you think bald men are sexy?  I think there are men who can rock the bald look and be very very sexy . . . but not just anyone can.

Are you a good driver?  Depends on who you ask . . . I'm an okay driver.  I'm not hazardous but I can sometimes be flighty or distracted.

In a 24 hour period, how many hours do you spend watching TV?  Generally an hour or less.

Name the last book you read?  Fifty Shades Freed . . . don't judge me . . . I'll offer my thoughts on the trilogy if anyone is interested, but I really think it's been played out.  It was entertaining enough, but I wasn't all that impressed and I don't think it did anyone in the lifestyle any favors.

Would you rather be hot or cold?  Cold.

How many hours a day to you spend on the Internet?  Too much.  Maybe a few hours . . . not including chatting with B.  Well that's if you don't count while I'm at work.  I spend a lot of time online, but it's for a lot of different purposes.

Do you like facial hair on a man?  Hmmm . . . I don't have a strong preference.  I like a well-done goatee . . . but I like clean shaven just as much.

Are you a smoker?  Yes . . . *hanging my head in shame*. . .  B is pretty determined to break me of it eventually.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Two Steps Forward . . .

B and I had a hard conversation last night.  We're okay, we're actually pretty good, but the conversation was tough.  Things have been kinda hard between us for a couple of weeks.  I think I had been trying to ignore it, trying to decide it was really okay.  I would sort of tell him that I was worried or doubting but then we wouldn't really talk about it.

You know, sometimes blogging is weird.  I want to share on here, to let y'all into this journey we're on, but then again some things should stay between us, you know?  So it's this balance of being real with also being mindful of our relationship being ours and no one else's.  That's why this is the first you're really hearing about this, because I knew that I didn't want it out there until I understood it.  Until he and I had figured it out.  Even now, I'm gonna try to put words on all of it, but there's so much more to any relationship than what we can articulate in a blog.  Anyway . . . I'm just gonna try.

B left me waiting on Friday night.  We were supposed to talk and didn't.  I couldn't reach him.  He'd done same thing a few times in the past couple weeks.  This was a new thing, he had never done this until these times recently.  I was pretty upset . . . okay I was a whole whole lot upset.  We started talking last night and there wasn't a good reason for him leaving me waiting.  I told him that a five minute phone call would have fixed it.  Just letting me know he was going out and we would talk the next night.  Then I would've known that he was thinking about me and that my feelings are important to him.

 We both need to have lives and maintain friendships where we are.  This is a struggle of long distance . . . because if we were in the same place we would share a social life to some degree.  But as it is, we each have completely separate social lives and we spend time with each other and our work schedules are different and we're an hour apart in time zones.  So sometimes it can get complicated.

The conversation got heavy and he got honest.  He finally just said that he had been having some doubts and had worried that maybe he wasn't ready for this.  I asked him if he was pushing me away on purpose to try to end us.  He said no.  I asked if he was pushing me away on purpose to try to make me end us.  He said no.  I asked what he was doing . . . and he started talking.

He talked about the fact that he wasn't looking for this when we 'found' each other online.  I agreed that neither was I.  We talked about the fact that we fell headlong into this, having no idea what we're doing.  He stated plainly that he is afraid of it not working out, afraid that we won't be able to figure out the long distance thing and the hurt that will come if that happens.  He talked about the fact that he has no one to answer to in almost five years and that he is still adjusting to that.

I told him that this whole thing requires us both to take a flying leap of faith. I talked about the fact that if either of us does it half-heartedly it won't work and we'll only hurt each other.  I told him that if I'm going to offer him my trust and especially if I'm going to offer him my submission, he has to behave in a way that's worthy of it.  We both agreed that for the past couple of weeks he hasn't been doing that. I told him that I hope he's the kind of guy who wouldn't want a woman who would just allow herself to be hurt and disappointed and not call him on it. He agreed with that.

I asked him to be straight with me. I told him I need to know if this isn't what he wants, if he doesn't think he can do this.  He thought on that for awhile, which I appreciated.  I didn't just want an emotional answer, I wanted his honesty and I wanted us to end things if he knew it wouldn't work.

Then I listened to him get more resolved.  His tone changed.  He told me that he wants this, that he wants to do the work to figure it out.  He apologized for the way he's handled things in the past couple of weeks and committed to acting in a way that is worthy of my trust.  We agreed to taking it one step at a time, but also to committing to it and to talking about things as they come up.  I'm hoping that if he has doubts again he'll talk to me about them instead of pushing me away.

Then we talked about leadership.  I told him that when he does things that make it hard for me to trust him, I build up walls around my heart and start to feel more like "mine" and less like "his."  I asked him if he wants to lead us.  He said he does.  I was relieved because I want him to, I don't want to lead us.  Then we talked about relationships being hard work and I made sure he knows that I want to put in my part of the work, but I need to trust him enough to be able to follow him.  He agreed and he committed again to being more trustworthy and to leading us well.

Like I said, it was a hard conversation.  I had pulled back enough that I was able to stay calm and talk through it without getting overly upset.  I was just resolved that we had to figure out what was going on and get going in a good direction again and that if we weren't able to do that then we would have to stop the ride and get off.  The beginning was rough but it was almost like as we worked our way through and the hard questions came up, I heard him getting more and more serious, really thinking and answering honestly.

I can't tell the future, no one can, but I think we're in a better place now than we have been in a while.  It's kinda like the "new" of the relationship has faded some and we are reaching that place where the rubber meets the road and we needed to make sure we both want to do the work that comes with relationships and the added work that comes with long distance relationships.

Sooooo . . . . I know that this is long and not very exciting, but I wanted to place it hear because I believe it will be a defining moment for us.  We took some step forward last night and I told B that we have to stop doing the "two steps forward and three steps back" thing.  He said very decisively that that pattern is over and he is going to move us forward from this point on.

I feel the most peaceful I've felt in a couple weeks and  I'm hopeful for us . . . I'll keep letting y'all know how we do.

Until next time,
His devoted one

Friday, July 19, 2013

Checking In & A Little Quiz I Found Amusing

Well . . . I'm feeling better today . . . not 100% like myself, but definitely better than yesterday.

B was very good to me last night, we didn't get to talk for as long as I would've liked but he definitely helped.  He asked me last night, "Is it really that bad, Angel?"  I told him no, then I told him yes, then I think I told him I didn't know . . . lol.  He also tried to be gentle . . . anybody want to guess how I responded to that??  If you're guessing I shoved at him harder you would be correct.  So then he got tough, and I settled down some.

Today I"m a little annoyed with him over something . . . do any of you ever want to break rules to get back at your guys when you're annoyed with them?? That's how I'm feeling.

Mature?  Nope.  A good way to handle it?  Nope.  Perfectly sweet and submissive?  Nope.  But it's still how I'm feeling.  Honest? Yup.  We'll talk tonight, and he'll make it better, and it's a weekend so neither of us have to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow, which means we won't be in a hurry.

I probably won't break rules . . . I don't think.  I know it's not worth it.  I know how much I hate disappointing him, and I haven't been in trouble in quite some time.  Although I had that fourth cigarette yesterday and he didn't ask so I didn't tell him so I'm most likely already in trouble.  He doesn't know which means I shouldn't be putting it here . . . Baahhhh . . . I'm a terrible submissive today.

Anyway . . . I didn't come here to whine . . . I actually found a little quiz I liked and decided to do it here . . . it's yes or no questions, so if you want to know the story behind any answers you'll have to ask. I'm borrowing it from Maryanne who borrowed it from Roz.  Thanks ladies!!

Have you ever . . .

Shot a gun?  Yes
Watched someone die?  No
Served on a jury?  Yes
Flown on a plane?  Yes
Swam in the ocean?  Yes
Cried yourself to sleep? Unfortunately Yes
Been camping in a trailer|RV?  No, but I'd like to
Rode on an elephant?  Yes
Rode on a camel?  No
Been lost?  Yes, too many times to count
Eaten just cookies or cake for dinner?  Yes
Been on TV?
Been on radio?  No
Been in a car accident?  Yes
Donated blood?  Yes
Got a speeding ticket within the last 12 months?  Yes to a ticket, but not for speeding.
Gotten a piercing (not ears)?  Yes
Gotten a tattoo?  No
Flew in a helicopter?  No
Gone parasailing?  No, but I want to!!!
Been on a jetski, snowmobile or dune buggy?  No

13 Yes / 8 No

Until next time,
His (still a little grouchy) devoted one

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Out of Sorts

I'm in a mood tonight . . . well really I've been in a mood for most of the day.  Not a good mood . . . More like this sort of mood . . .
(That pic may get me in trouble . . . We'll see I suppose)

Do any of you ever just wake up like that . . . ready to tear someone's head off, or maybe burst into tears if anyone looks at you wrong, definitely ready to sass your Dom at the very first opportunity, but really just wanting to feel safe and protected and held onto.  Oh . . . and NOT wanting to give into being held onto, wanting to kick and fuss and pout and stomp your foot and mouth off instead. . . Anybody??? Please tell me I'm not the only one who has these days . . .

I think if I had to sum it up in one phrase it would be this one . . .

Oh yeah, and then in the midst of wanting to be a complete brat there's also the fear that I'll be too much and he won't want me anymore.  Just to be clear, B has done NOTHING to make me feel that way . . . that's just my insecurity talking.

I swear on days like today I feel like I should be required to wear a warning label . . .

But then again that's just a challenge . . . and Dominant men often like the challenge huh??  Well that just makes me want to wear it more . . . Hmpphh. . . .

What's causing my mood you ask??? Well, I'll tell you . . . I have no idea.  I know that it's partly hormones and partly work chaos and partly that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and had weird dreams last night.  I know how to self-correct, I'm not generally a bitch when I feel like this, I can usually hang onto myself for the most part.

I believe that. I don't want to be controlled by my mood.  I would lose respect for B if he just let me walk all over him because I was in a bad mood. But oh my goodness. . . I'm not sure if I'll be able to hang onto remembering that all night tonight.

Nights like tonight are on the top 10 list of when being long distance really really really really sucks.  It would be so much easier if he could just do this . . .

As much as I will probably not be easily reined in tonight I know that's what I need . . . even if right this second I'm pouting at my computer screen just thinking about it.  And the long distance thing means he'll have to get creative, and it make me feel like a chore and like I'm a bother to him.  That make me want to fake it and pretend that I'm fine and be sweet and submissive.  But that's not honest.  I just wish he could snatch me up so I could **feel** his dominance.  Ughhh . . .

And you know what I'm most annoyed about???  I'm in the "not really quitting smoking, but making sure that I don't start smoking more" phase of quitting smoking.  So the rule is 4 cigarettes a day.  I actually basically made the rule, B's helping me with it, holding me to it.  Yesterday I had five.  So being the fair and balanced tyrant leader that he is, he didn't even punish me (which shocked me), he just said I could only have three today . . . to balance it out.  Well I don't WANT to have only three, I don't even want to have only four . . . I want to effing chain smoke dammit . . . Grrrrr . . . And I want B to let me. No I don't, I'd lose respect for him if he caved in after telling me I can't do something.  Yes I do . . . blast it all . . . I want my four freaking cigarettes. No . . . I don't want him to change his mind.  I don't envy him today . . . not at all.

Well now that I've ranted myself out for the moment with all of you . . . I think I'll go break all my rules.  Well, maybe not, that would be a pretty bad idea . . . No, I don't want to do that . . .

Okay I won't break all the rules . . . I'll just chain smoke.  No I won't.  Yes, I will.  I'll just have my four . . . four is the rule.  No I won't . . . I'm not going to . . . maybe . . . probably.

Here's my theme song for the day . . .

Until next time (assuming he lets me get back on the computer after this tirade),

His devoted one

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

The Origins of Submission

First of all . . . Peeking my head out and waving a little shyly. . . Hi. . . I'm still here.

(I know it's a guy . . . but if you imagine it's a girl, the pic is perfect . . . lol)

My life got a little crazy and I was figuring out some stuff with B and working through some things in my own head and I needed to do it in my brain and not here.  I don't know that I have a whole lot to share about that in blog land right this moment but I do want to get back on the horse and start posting again.

I feel a little shy about it. . . Like maybe people won't like me anymore because I disappeared for a little bit... And I'm sorry I stopped commenting on all of your blogs. . . But I was reading and I'll start commenting again.  Promise.
Pinky promise even . . .

I've been thinking lately about what made me submissive.  I've gone down the road before of thinking about why I like spanking/pain but that was fruitless and very very frustrating for me.  I don't think there is a reason for that... I just do.

But what makes a person submissive???

 I don't know if I have the answer, but I do know that I can see it in myself all the way back to when I was a really little girl.

One of my uncle's was very authoritative and he was so attentive to his kids and, let me tell you something, his kids didn't get away with ANYTHING.  I had wonderful parents, nurturing and loving and strict in their own way and pretty much awesome. But as a kid I remember wishing that my dad was more like this uncle.

When I got a little older and I was paying attention to relationships, I knew that a couple of my uncle's led their families. It was faith based for them and they were definitely the heads of their households. They adore their wives but they most definitely wear the pants in their homes.  Once again, my parents loved each other deeply and in his own way, my dad led our family but when I thought about the kind of man I wanted to marry, I knew then that I wanted to marry a man who would lead me the way my uncles led my aunts.  I even journaled about it.  ( As a note, I have no idea if my uncles spank my aunts and I don't want to know . . . because that's weird . . . but if I'm honest, it wouldn't surprise me.)

Bahahahahaha . . .  NOT like this . . .

Around the same time, a man at my church (we'll call him Steve) took me under his wing. Once again, Steve was definitely wearing the pants in his home and I looked to him and grew very close to he and his family. He was like another dad to me. . . didn't replace my dad, but filled a different need than my parents.  When I was acting a fool in college Steve was the one I told, even before I was really ready to give up the stupid stuff I was doing and start living right . . . I knew I needed someone to keep a hold of me and make sure I didn't go too far.  He and I are still very close and since my dad's death he has filled in the gaps where he could.

B and I actually had a 'moment' about him . . .  Steve, of course, is anxious to meet the man who has captured my attention and I told B about him and that we would have to set up that meeting eventually.  B acted a tiny little bit nervous about that and I told him jokingly that I might defy him every once in a while but I don't defy Steve.  B got all dominant... It was kinda cute hot . . .  But I told him he was just mad cause there was a man in my life with a higher level of authority than he has. . . . That helped a lot just got me into hotter water . . .
"Come on in . . .the water's fine . . ."

I have always been drawn to guys, even just guy friends, with stronger personalities than I have.  As I've said before on here... I'm a pretty darn good leader myself, so if I can't settle in and follow I tend to grab for the reins . . . but I don't WANT to lead.  I am so much happier and more settled if I can slide one step behind someone and follow.  Not that I always do it gracefully ( just ask B) but I'm drawn to strong leaders.

In my jobs I have found that I am the happiest if I have a strong supervisor, male or female, so that I can fall in line and just do my job without worrying about needing to be in charge. In my personal life I always seem to have at least one guy friend who is definitely stronger than I am so that on those days when I just want to pick a fight, I have someone who will definitely win.  Because I definitely don't want to win. . . I just want to be reined in . . . ( y'all know what I mean by that right?)

So for me, I can see it all through my life.  This underlying desire to be able to submit to others.  Not to be a doormat . . . I've got all kinds of spunk (just ask B) and I want to be an active participant in this thing . . . passivity doesn't suit me . . . but I don't want to lead us. I want to be able to tuck in behind someone stronger than I am and lend them my strength and draw on theirs.

(I like this image . . . look how strong his hand looks . . . 
he's definitely got her . . . but she's holding on tight too . . .)

I don't know if I explained that well, it's just been rolling around in my brain for awhile so I figured I'd try to articulate it.  So tell me . . . does it make sense??  Can you relate?? Is there anyone else who just kind of was "always" submissive, even if you didn't know that's what it was for a long time??

I'm feeling curious.

Until next time (and it won't be forever this time . . .),
His devoted one

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Watch It

           First of all . . . 

       Happy 4th of July!!!! 

Or perhaps this one would be 
more appropriate to the blog . . .

Regardless, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday . . . with time spent with family and friends and I hope you get to see awesome fireworks!!!


But want I really want to talk about . . . are those two little words in the title.   

How can two little words . . . just seven letter total have sooooo much power????  Let me explain by way of examples . . . 

B's teasing me about something . . . I tell him to quit . . . he keeps on . . . "hmpphh, you're a punk" . . . "Watch it."

I come back to the phone after going to the bathroom . . . he says, "That was fast." . . . "Yup." . . . "Go back and wash your hands." . . . "I DID wash my hands." . . . "Hhmmmm..." . . . a little petulant, under my breath, "shut up" . . . "Watch it."

Mid-conversation I get a little sassy . . . "I could always just send you to the corner." . . . "I'm not going to the corner tonight, I already decided." (okay maybe a lot sassy) . . . "Watch it."

We're talking about something and I make a demand, followed playfully by, "Because I'm in charge around here you know." . . . "Watch it."

You get the idea. 

There are other little two word combinations that would have this same effect on me I'm sure.  ( "Yes what?", "Bend over", "Come here", "Excuse me?")  But "Watch it" is by far the one that B uses the most.

Every time he says it, my stomach drops and I bite my lip.  Every time.  It's 100% clear that I'm at the line and then I have a choice to make . . .

If I got too close to the line by accident then I'll quickly say either, "Yes Sir" or "Sorry Sir" . . . and then usually that's the end of it. I've stepped back and he can unruffle his feathers and we keep talking.  I think if we were actually together, "Watch it" would probably often be accompanied by (or maybe even replaced by) him popping my ass one good time. But my guess would still be that if I conceded quickly, that would end the momentary role re-alignment.

But the thing is that often, I get real close to that "line" and stick a toe (or sometimes even just step one foot over completely) on purpose.  I like the way it feels when he reins me in.  It makes me feel secure and I know he's paying attention and if I'm honest (blushing) it turns me on.  All the physical stuff is great, like "Oh My GOSH . . . I can't wait!!!!!" sort of great.  But I really think my primary desire is just to *be* dominated.  

Which is why, while my kink started with spanking, and most of my fantasies still involve spanking in some fashion . . . the hunger in me is for someone to lead me, to not take my crap, to not let me run over them, to "make me" when I just need to be yanked back in line but want to fight about it.

So sometimes, when B says, "Watch it", I have to think for a minute and make an actual decision . . . 

Am I going to concede?  Or am I going to say something along the lines of "Watch what? Watch the tv? Watch the clock turn? Watch the sun rise?" or maybe something like, "You watch it."  (I'm such a smart ass.)

And what he does when I respond like that is varied. Sometimes his voice just gets more firm and he repeats himself, sometimes he threatens a punishment, sometimes he just punishes.  If we were physically together, I'm almost positive he would snatch me up somehow when I did that . . . but as it is he has to be creative.

I feel like I'm just rambling . . . but I guess want I wanted to say is, that I love it when he says, "Watch it." Even if sometimes I mouth back at him.  I love the feel of his authority when he reins me in, when he won't let me push too far . . . Love. It.
(Yes . . . yes . . . like that . . . )

Do any of you experience this? And do you ever just want to brat back at them? Sometimes I wonder if the "dancing along the line" thing will go away if I become a "better" submissive . . . I kinda hope not, because most of the time it's a little fun.