Thursday, July 18, 2013

Out of Sorts

I'm in a mood tonight . . . well really I've been in a mood for most of the day.  Not a good mood . . . More like this sort of mood . . .
(That pic may get me in trouble . . . We'll see I suppose)

Do any of you ever just wake up like that . . . ready to tear someone's head off, or maybe burst into tears if anyone looks at you wrong, definitely ready to sass your Dom at the very first opportunity, but really just wanting to feel safe and protected and held onto.  Oh . . . and NOT wanting to give into being held onto, wanting to kick and fuss and pout and stomp your foot and mouth off instead. . . Anybody??? Please tell me I'm not the only one who has these days . . .

I think if I had to sum it up in one phrase it would be this one . . .

Oh yeah, and then in the midst of wanting to be a complete brat there's also the fear that I'll be too much and he won't want me anymore.  Just to be clear, B has done NOTHING to make me feel that way . . . that's just my insecurity talking.

I swear on days like today I feel like I should be required to wear a warning label . . .

But then again that's just a challenge . . . and Dominant men often like the challenge huh??  Well that just makes me want to wear it more . . . Hmpphh. . . .

What's causing my mood you ask??? Well, I'll tell you . . . I have no idea.  I know that it's partly hormones and partly work chaos and partly that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and had weird dreams last night.  I know how to self-correct, I'm not generally a bitch when I feel like this, I can usually hang onto myself for the most part.

I believe that. I don't want to be controlled by my mood.  I would lose respect for B if he just let me walk all over him because I was in a bad mood. But oh my goodness. . . I'm not sure if I'll be able to hang onto remembering that all night tonight.

Nights like tonight are on the top 10 list of when being long distance really really really really sucks.  It would be so much easier if he could just do this . . .

As much as I will probably not be easily reined in tonight I know that's what I need . . . even if right this second I'm pouting at my computer screen just thinking about it.  And the long distance thing means he'll have to get creative, and it make me feel like a chore and like I'm a bother to him.  That make me want to fake it and pretend that I'm fine and be sweet and submissive.  But that's not honest.  I just wish he could snatch me up so I could **feel** his dominance.  Ughhh . . .

And you know what I'm most annoyed about???  I'm in the "not really quitting smoking, but making sure that I don't start smoking more" phase of quitting smoking.  So the rule is 4 cigarettes a day.  I actually basically made the rule, B's helping me with it, holding me to it.  Yesterday I had five.  So being the fair and balanced tyrant leader that he is, he didn't even punish me (which shocked me), he just said I could only have three today . . . to balance it out.  Well I don't WANT to have only three, I don't even want to have only four . . . I want to effing chain smoke dammit . . . Grrrrr . . . And I want B to let me. No I don't, I'd lose respect for him if he caved in after telling me I can't do something.  Yes I do . . . blast it all . . . I want my four freaking cigarettes. No . . . I don't want him to change his mind.  I don't envy him today . . . not at all.

Well now that I've ranted myself out for the moment with all of you . . . I think I'll go break all my rules.  Well, maybe not, that would be a pretty bad idea . . . No, I don't want to do that . . .

Okay I won't break all the rules . . . I'll just chain smoke.  No I won't.  Yes, I will.  I'll just have my four . . . four is the rule.  No I won't . . . I'm not going to . . . maybe . . . probably.

Here's my theme song for the day . . .

Until next time (assuming he lets me get back on the computer after this tirade),

His devoted one


  1. Have you read MY pms post? You're not the only one who goes stark raving mad. For whatever the reason, maybe it's the emotional, raw nature of ttwd, pms has been almost unbearable. The roller coaster of emotions just seems so much more intense.

    You are not a chore to B. it his his responsibility to take care of you. If this is the thing that makes him decide that it's too much, then this is not the relatunship you were looking for anyway, right? ( I'm not at all saying he will) you need to allow him to bring you back to feeling centered and grounded and safe. For me I start to feel like I'm completely out of control and I need Daddy to set my world right again. Let B do that for you.

    Take a deep breath and it'll all pass soon!

    1. Thanks p, B helped... We didn't get to talk until late last night and we didn't have as much time as I would have liked... But just talking to him helped.

      And yes.. I know I'm not a chore... And he doesn't make me feel that way I just get that thought in my head sometimes and it doesn't help anything when I'm thinking like that.

      They do seem to have the ability to set the world right... These men in our life. That's kinda nice.

      I'm not feeling 100% back to normal but today is definitely better than yesterday.


  2. Oh you're SO not the only one who goes through this, hun. I'm sorry it's one of those days, i've been having a few of those lately!

    Anyway, just keep talking to him, communicate communicate AND communicate! I can imagine how hard long distance must be in times like these, but just keep talking to him and listening to him.

    Stick to those three cigarettes for today, the fourth won't be worth it. :p

    1. Thanks... Ranting was kinda nice cause it gave me an outlet... I definitely appreciate hearing that I'm not alone in this... And yes communicating is so important within all of this!!!


  3. Soumise ClandestineJuly 19, 2013 at 2:50 PM

    Dear Bekah,

    I don't know if it will help you, but I've been in this kind of mood for the last ten days, and that's just awful. Yep, this kind of mood does cross the oceans easily, it seems!

    Today I had a little chat with my Dom who lives at a little less than 2 hours from where I do, so I don't see Him often. (OK, compared to you, He is close, but remember France is a small country! lol!) I didn't want him to know how bad I was feeling so I tried to hide it, but he eventually figured it out, and he was just MAD! So he jumped into his car to discipline me (I don't know if I should say punish or discipline but I guess you'll figure out what I mean). He used "le martinet", it's a kind of flogger but with leather. It used to be a very popular disciplinary implement here. This thing is just dreadful!!! and I don't like it, Non, Non!! But I must admit I DO feel better (ok my bottom doesn't agree with me at all! It happened 6 hours ago and it just hurts so much!).

    I hope you'll make it through the day alright and stick to your three cigarettes (Not doing it would indeed be a very bad idea)!

    Take care!
    Big French hugs!
    Soumise Clandestine

    PS: Who should I wish "good luck" to? you or the Bishop? Both of you I guess! LOL!

  4. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one... And he's I wish B could have just jumped in his car and come up here to deal with me.. But alas... Not right now... We're just two far apart for that kind of spontaneity right now.

    I'm sorry you're bottom's sore... And I'm glad you feel better... Lol

    I think wishing B luck would be better... Lol...

    Hugs back

  5. oh so true.. occasionally she has these moments.. or should I say days.. granted it would be easier to deal with if we were closer.. and there have been times I have wanted to almost rip my hair out... (( if it was long enough to get a good grip on .... lol ) and when she has these days it can definitely shake it up a bit.. but again as I have told her, if she was the.... perfect.. sub... then HOW BORING WOULD THAT BE ?? I do what I can to keep her on her toes and if the necessity arises she can and often times does find her way to the corner, if I do not choose some other means to calm her down,, as she has discovered, the corner for her can both calm her down and set her to thinking in a calm manner to reason things out. But fortunately for both of us, these days of as she calls it angst ... are few and far between. today she is a bit under the weather and I hope she feels better soon... more to follow on my comments and possibly my own blog to be opening up soon... be good for now...

    The Bishop ( B )

  6. **muttering under my breath at the computer screen** Stupid corner...

    I'm feeling better today.. Whatever this stupid virus was it threw me for a loop.

    And yes.. I don't have days like that all that often and you are more than capable of 'calming me down'. :-P


    P.s. I don't think I'll ever be 'boring'... Perfection wouldn't suit me.. Lol