B and I had a hard conversation last night. We're okay, we're actually pretty good, but the conversation was tough. Things have been kinda hard between us for a couple of weeks. I think I had been trying to ignore it, trying to decide it was really okay. I would sort of tell him that I was worried or doubting but then we wouldn't really talk about it.
You know, sometimes blogging is weird. I want to share on here, to let y'all into this journey we're on, but then again some things should stay between us, you know? So it's this balance of being real with also being mindful of our relationship being ours and no one else's. That's why this is the first you're really hearing about this, because I knew that I didn't want it out there until I understood it. Until he and I had figured it out. Even now, I'm gonna try to put words on all of it, but there's so much more to any relationship than what we can articulate in a blog. Anyway . . . I'm just gonna try.
B left me waiting on Friday night. We were supposed to talk and didn't. I couldn't reach him. He'd done same thing a few times in the past couple weeks. This was a new thing, he had never done this until these times recently. I was pretty upset . . . okay I was a whole whole lot upset. We started talking last night and there wasn't a good reason for him leaving me waiting. I told him that a five minute phone call would have fixed it. Just letting me know he was going out and we would talk the next night. Then I would've known that he was thinking about me and that my feelings are important to him.
We both need to have lives and maintain friendships where we are. This is a struggle of long distance . . . because if we were in the same place we would share a social life to some degree. But as it is, we each have completely separate social lives and we spend time with each other and our work schedules are different and we're an hour apart in time zones. So sometimes it can get complicated.
The conversation got heavy and he got honest. He finally just said that he had been having some doubts and had worried that maybe he wasn't ready for this. I asked him if he was pushing me away on purpose to try to end us. He said no. I asked if he was pushing me away on purpose to try to make me end us. He said no. I asked what he was doing . . . and he started talking.
He talked about the fact that he wasn't looking for this when we 'found' each other online. I agreed that neither was I. We talked about the fact that we fell headlong into this, having no idea what we're doing. He stated plainly that he is afraid of it not working out, afraid that we won't be able to figure out the long distance thing and the hurt that will come if that happens. He talked about the fact that he has no one to answer to in almost five years and that he is still adjusting to that.
I told him that this whole thing requires us both to take a flying leap of faith. I talked about the fact that if either of us does it half-heartedly it won't work and we'll only hurt each other. I told him that if I'm going to offer him my trust and especially if I'm going to offer him my submission, he has to behave in a way that's worthy of it. We both agreed that for the past couple of weeks he hasn't been doing that. I told him that I hope he's the kind of guy who wouldn't want a woman who would just allow herself to be hurt and disappointed and not call him on it. He agreed with that.
I asked him to be straight with me. I told him I need to know if this isn't what he wants, if he doesn't think he can do this. He thought on that for awhile, which I appreciated. I didn't just want an emotional answer, I wanted his honesty and I wanted us to end things if he knew it wouldn't work.
Then I listened to him get more resolved. His tone changed. He told me that he wants this, that he wants to do the work to figure it out. He apologized for the way he's handled things in the past couple of weeks and committed to acting in a way that is worthy of my trust. We agreed to taking it one step at a time, but also to committing to it and to talking about things as they come up. I'm hoping that if he has doubts again he'll talk to me about them instead of pushing me away.
Then we talked about leadership. I told him that when he does things that make it hard for me to trust him, I build up walls around my heart and start to feel more like "mine" and less like "his." I asked him if he wants to lead us. He said he does. I was relieved because I want him to, I don't want to lead us. Then we talked about relationships being hard work and I made sure he knows that I want to put in my part of the work, but I need to trust him enough to be able to follow him. He agreed and he committed again to being more trustworthy and to leading us well.
Like I said, it was a hard conversation. I had pulled back enough that I was able to stay calm and talk through it without getting overly upset. I was just resolved that we had to figure out what was going on and get going in a good direction again and that if we weren't able to do that then we would have to stop the ride and get off. The beginning was rough but it was almost like as we worked our way through and the hard questions came up, I heard him getting more and more serious, really thinking and answering honestly.
I can't tell the future, no one can, but I think we're in a better place now than we have been in a while. It's kinda like the "new" of the relationship has faded some and we are reaching that place where the rubber meets the road and we needed to make sure we both want to do the work that comes with relationships and the added work that comes with long distance relationships.
Sooooo . . . . I know that this is long and not very exciting, but I wanted to place it hear because I believe it will be a defining moment for us. We took some step forward last night and I told B that we have to stop doing the "two steps forward and three steps back" thing. He said very decisively that that pattern is over and he is going to move us forward from this point on.
I feel the most peaceful I've felt in a couple weeks and I'm hopeful for us . . . I'll keep letting y'all know how we do.
Until next time,
His devoted one