Monday, August 26, 2013

An Ending . . .

Soooooo . . . This would be the one post I didn't ever want to need to put up here. Lots of posts aren't easy but they're part of it, so posting them is reflective and part of blogging. For example:

  1. I broke the rules and got myself in trouble . . . Part of the journey.
  2. I defied him and we had to recover from it . . . Progress.
  3. We argued and he disappointed or upset me and we worked through it . . . Part of the work of relationships.
  4. Whining or ranting posts about wanting more and needing him . . . Part of learning to live in this dynamic and a natural consequence of long distance.

I ended things with B this weekend . . . Yeah . . . I didn't want to have to post that.

But I did, and it's been kind of awful.  I'm really sad and my heart is hurting and I miss him terribly.  I believe that it was the right thing to do but that doesn't change that I feel pretty miserable right now.

I'm not going to go into assigning blame or explaining the in's and out's of it here because I think a blog is an inappropriate place to do that and because I have no idea if he'll keep reading and I do care about not being hurtful.

I'm feeling pretty adrift right now, maybe I'm being egocentric but I think that break-ups might be harder on a submissive woman than on other women.  I just feel . . . I don't know, a little lost I guess, maybe.

I'll figure it out, and the overwhelming feelings will pass, I suppose.

I don't want to depress everyone, but I felt like I needed to post something about it.

 I like blogging and I don't think I'll stop, although I'm not sure exactly what I'll blog about now. I also really love the little community I'm beginning to feel a part of and so I'll be reading your blogs . . . although to be honest, I may not read for few more days because reading about people in relationships that are working makes me kinda emotional right now.

Anyway, I think that's all the moping I'll do here for now.

Until next time,
Bekah Jane

Playing With What's His (The Dream, Part III)

In case you've forgotten where we left off . . . I'm naked . . . tied to the headboard . . . he's playing with me . . . and I just spoke, which I wasn't supposed to do . . .

(I'm gonna finish it out because there's another post I need to do, but in the interest of continuity, I wanted to finish out the dream first. So strap in, it's gonna be a long one.)

You put a few pillows under my hips and pull my legs so I'm laying over them. You grab your belt. 

"It would have been an even dozen . . . but then you kept talking . . . so I think we'll double that, hhmm?"

You double the belt in your hand and bring it down hard . . . and then again and again and again. I cry out with each stroke and then bite my lip hard, burying my face in my arm, "Mmphhhh..."  Tears spring up in my eyes again and I grip the tie on my hands and cry into the comforter

I lose count and it takes me a few beats to realize that it's over . . . then you pull the pillows out from under me and flip me back over.

You start to slip out of your pants as you say under your breath, "I know just how to keep you from speaking." You climb back astride me and wrap one hand in my hair, lifting my head up so I'm staring straight at your almost erect cock.

My eyes flicker up momentarily to meet yours and then back down.

"Kiss it." And so I do, my eyes flicking up again.

"Open," and you're in my mouth . . . deep immediately. I gag and try to resist your hand in my hair, but you tighten your grip and I whimper a little around your cock but grow still.

"No. This isn't about you, don't you fight me."

I close my eyes and focus on relaxing my jaw, breathing deeply and settling down. I still gag a little but I give in to it and focus on your hand in my hair. I suck you deeply and you hold my head in place as you thrust in and out of my mouth roughly.

My eyes are watering, I'm gagging on and off, and you don't let up as I feel you swelling in my mouth.  It doesn't feel sexy to me and I'm not necessarily enjoying it, but I feel so so so submissive.

Just as I feel that you're about to cum, you pull out of my mouth and climb off of me, walking back to the end of the bed. You grab the pillows and lift my hips, pushing the pillows under me so that my hips are angled up and then bend my knees with my legs spread wide.

You bring your hand down hard onto my pussy and I jerk my legs together instinctively, "OOWWwwww...."

I immediately gasp and then bite my lip hard and shake my head no, tears springing to my eyes as you pull my legs back apart firmly, "Don't you move."

You walk back around the bed and into my line of vision beside me, crop in hand.

You start swatting my breasts, a few around my breasts and then directly on the nipples.  My eyes are shut tight and I'm pulling hard against the ties and you keep going an going. I start to close my legs, knowing that if I can get some friction I may be able to transform the pain and get close to cumming.

"Don't you dare," and I still immediately . . . my legs remaining wide.

You keep at my nipples for another minute or so and then drop the crop and start squeezing my nipples hard, rolling them between your thumb and finger, then leaning down and taking one in your mouth, biting, while you continue to roll the other between your fingers.

I am writhing under your hands and I realize suddenly that I'm going to cum whether I want to or not if you don't stop. My fear of what you will do if I cum without permission outweighs my desire to be still for you and I twist hard away from you.

You stop, startled by the suddenness of my jerking away and ask me what the problem is. I look up at you, biting my lip and then you grin a little as you realize my predicament.

"You may speak."

"I was afraid I was going to cum, and I couldn't ask," I say just above a whisper, blushing crimson.  You chuckle and an amused expression comes over your face.

"Well then good girl, I suppose. We'll work on self-control another day."

You start to walk back down to the end of the bed, but then stop, grabbing the crop, picking up a couple of clothespins and clipping them on my nipples.

"That's for jerking away," you say, your voice almost teasing me as I pull on the binds as the clothespins latch onto my already very sore nipples.  I glare at you a little mutinously but hold my peace as you walk to the end of the bed.

"I was going to just use my hand . . . but you are not allowed to block me by closing your legs."

And the crop comes down on my pussy.  My back arches up, but I keep my legs open, closing my eyes tight and whimpering. You bring it down like that three more times.

"One more, it's going to hurt, don't move your legs."

I pull hard at the tie on my hands, arch up off the bed and cry out as the crop comes down hard, but I keep my legs wide for you, my pussy hot and stinging.

You moan deep in your throat as I lay breathing hard and whimpering. Then very quickly you drape my legs over your shoulders and plunge deep into me. My breath catches in my throat as I cry out again. You stay there, buried in me to the hilt as I spasm around you, trying to adjust and then you pull out slowly and thrust hard into me again.

I cry out, "Oh Goooo...." and then bite my lip, my eyes flying open and looking at you, realizing my mistake.

You stay deep inside and reach up my body, unhooking the clothespins, turning them a half turn and then clipping them back on. I moan loudly, whimpering, but keep my mouth closed, biting my lip hard.

You reach up and grab the headboard, bending me double and start thrusting in and out of me slowly.

"Do you want to cum?"

I nod my head frantically . . . my pussy clenching up hard around you and then spasming as I try to relax my muscles and wait.

You speed up, pounding into me hard and fast. You lean down to my ear and growl quietly, "We'll see about that . . . after I cum.  I don't know that you behaved well enough."

You bite me ear and pound harder. I whimper into your ear, my breathing getting more and more ragged and then you explode inside me, moaning loudly and calling out incoherently.  I try to clench up around you but quickly give up, afraid I'll cum if I'm not careful.

My eyes plead with you as you release my legs and collapse on top of me, smashing the clothespins into my breasts. I whimper loudly while also writhing underneath you.

You prop up on your elbows over me and look down into my eyes.

"Do you think I should allow you to cum?" you say quietly,  "You may speak."

"Please Sir please, I tried so hard to behave, Please please make me cum.. Please Sir...."

"Well... let's see what we can do, don't you dare cum without asking me first." 

You slide down and out of me to the end of the bed and then start toying with me again.. reaching one hand up and taking a clothespin off but then kneading my nipple in your fingers. I'm gasping immediately and trying to hold on. I last for like a minute.

"Please Sir may I cum?"

"Who do your orgasms belong to?" 

"You Sir"

 "Who does your pleasure belong to?"

With your fingers inside me and still rolling my nipple between thumb and finger of your other hand.
"You Sir"

 "Who do *you* belong to?" 

"I belong to you Sir."

 "That's right you're mine... all mine.... only mine" 

"Yes Sir."

You start nipping at my clit.. and I swear you're trying to squeeze my nipple off my body and thrusting in and out of me with fingers on your other hand.

Then you say quietly, "You may cum..."


And I woke up.... right there.... at that moment... I thought I was going to explode.....

The dream wasn't as long as this makes it seem, although it was a really really long dream. But typing it out makes it seem a lot longer.

So . . . anyway . . . that's the dream that got me out of a punishment for cumming without permission. Because really, can you blame me???

Hope you enjoyed!!

Bekah Jane

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

"Playing With What's His" (The Dream, Part II)

Okay . . . So here's Part Two.  In the interest of transparency, I want to clarify that starting at this point, I summarized each piece of the dream for B, because I realized how long it would be if I tried to type up all of it.  I do still remember this dream pretty vividly and reading back through has been . . . fun (blushing).  The sequence of events is true to what happened in the dream, but you know how in dream sometimes it's more of a feeling or awareness that something happened than a remembering of details . . . well it's sort of like that, so I'm filling it in some to make it flow.  So I guess it's become like 75% dream, 25% story . . . if that makes sense.

Hope you enjoy!!!!


With your eyes locked on mine you reach and start to play with my nipples . . . first one and then the other. Tweaking and rolling them between your fingers, squeezing harder and harder. My back arches up off the bed as I watch you and try to be as still as I can. 

 You lean down . . . lick and then suck on one nipple.  I moan deep in my throat and tense up at the same time, knowing what's coming.  You squeeze hard on the other nipple, barely rolling your fingers and then bite down on the one in your mouth . . . harder and harder until I cry out, my eyes closing tight. You repeat this with the other nipple as I whimper and writhe under you.

You climb off of me and then flip me over, pushing my knees under me so that my ass is in the air and then you start to spank me.  You just keep spanking and spanking, not saying anything, just covering my bottom and thighs completely. You start with your hand but eventually move on to a small paddle.  You never hit a spot twice in a row and after awhile the silence and the unending feeling starts to get to me.  My whimpering becomes more pronounced and then I slide my knees forward  and try to sink back onto my feet.

You immediately jerk me roughly back into position, "I warned you not to move from where I put you . . ."  

The large wooden paddle crashes down on my ass and I cry out loudly, tears springing to my eyes. I barely stay in place as you land four more HARD swats, leaving my bottom throbbing.

You flip me back over and your hand moves between my legs. You look down at me and raise one eyebrow in mock surprise, "So wet . . ."

You start playing me with your fingers and lean down, licking me as well. Your tongue keeps moving roughly over my clit while your fingers move inside me and then when I get close to cumming you push your fingers hard, all the way into me and stand up . . . watching me squirm, knowing that I won't be able to get over the edge as long as you are still.

The third time you do this, I try to pull my legs together, desperate to cum.

"No," you say, pushing my legs firmly back down, "You know better."

You reach to the side and pick up a wooden spoon. "Ten, five to each side, if you move we start over."

I whimper a little shaking my head, but remember not to speak as the wooden spoon comes down on the inside of my thigh.

"Aaaahhhhh . . . " I cry out, shaking my head no, my eyes closed, but I stay still . . . all the way to eight. When the eighth swat lands I pull one leg up and drop it over the other.

"No no no," you say firmly, "Open them back . . . Now."  After a few seconds pause, I drop my legs back open, begging you with my eyes, my bottom lip quivering slightly.

"Ten," you say quietly, and start over.

I cry out with each swat, whimpering loudly and by the time you're done, my toes are pointed with the effort of keeping still for you. You put the wooden spoon away, rub up and down my inner thighs and murmur quietly, "Good girl."

You go back to playing me with your fingers and your tongue and when you get me to the edge again, I am frantic to cum. I forget not to talk and gasp out, "Sir please." 

Your response is so quiet... that scary calm voice, "I wish you hadn't done that." 

Because I'm my own worst enemy, I started rattling an apology, "No Sir please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." 

"Hush," you say sternly as you flip me back over and push my knees under me again.


Part Three to come . . .

His devoted one

Sunday, August 18, 2013

"Playing With What's His" (The Dream, Part I)

I alluded to a dream, quite a while back and then I've been avoiding posting it ever since.  I know that I think it's hot, and I know that B thought it was hot, and I know that this is the right audience . . . but I still get shy about talking about sexual fantasies and get this irrational fear that someone will think I'm a freak, as if that really matters on an anonymous blog . . . but none of that really matters because the bottom line is that I think B wants me to post it, so here goes.

I had this dream a couple of months ago and I woke up about to spontaneously combust.  I came and didn't have permission and this was while B didn't have a working cell phone so I couldn't have just asked him because he was at work.  I told him about it later but then asked him calmly begged him to be understanding. He was skeptical and I asked him if I could write down the dream and email it to him before he decided whether or not to punish me.  He agreed to that and once he read it, I was absolved . . . so yeah . . . here's part one. . .

I'm laying on our bed, on my back, naked. I knew in the dream that you had ordered me there, but it began with me already there, and waiting. 
You come in the room and I start to prop up on my elbows to look at you, but you immediately scold me, "Lay back down and be still." So I drop back down onto the bed, with a little bit of a pout on my face and cross my arms.

I hear you pause and then you walk into my line of vision beside me, look down at me and then shake your head, "That attitude is only going to make things worse for you tonight, you may want to get rid of it before I get started with you." I start to stick out my tongue at you but change my mind as you turn to grab a tie out of the closet and then walk over and climb onto the bed. 

You kneel over me, straddling me, and hold out your hand expectantly.

I offer you my hand and you tie it securely and then lean up and over me to loop the tie around a rung in the headboard. You leave some room in the tie so that my hand can't quite reach the rung. I close my eyes, just feeling you bind me and offer you my other hand without you asking. I start feeling smaller and I know I'm getting wet as you tie me. 

Once I'm tied in you check to make sure it's tight and then slide down my body and pull me down by my legs so that my arms are pulled tight. You begin moving around the room, pulling things out but putting them where I can't see them. I feel myself getting more and more antsy as you get ready.

You come back over and sit astride me again, still in pajama bottoms and a tshirt and look down at me. I close my eyes and turn my head to the side. You catch my chin and turn my head back as you say, "Open your eyes, look at me, I want you listening." I look at your eyes and you keep ahold of my chin and say, "You belong to me, every part of you, every inch of you, to do with as I please, isn't that right?"

I bite my lip, a little nervous, a lot aroused and then answer you, "Yes Sir."

"Tonight, I want to play with what's mine. I'm going to play with you for my pleasure, I'm going to do exactly whatever I want. I know a lot of it will be pleasurable for you too and having the power to give and take away your pleasure is part of what pleases me. You won't cum without permission, and whether or not you cum at all will depend entirely on how well you behave. Do you understand me?"

"Yes Sir, but..."

Your voice is a little louder and you move your hand so your thumb covers my mouth. "NO, I don't want to hear any 'buts', I'm not listening to any arguments. I asked you if you understood me..."

I look in your eyes, see there's no room for discussion, and sigh deeply. "Yes Sir, I understand."

"Good girl. Two more rules. First, you stay where I put you, if you get out of the position I put you in I'll punish you. Second, you may respond to what I'm doing with sounds, but no words, you are not allowed to speak. I'm not looking for what you think, what you want, nothing, I want to play with what's mine and I expect you to submit. Clear?"

My eyes widen a little as you say this, and my pussy clenches hard. I nod my head.

"Good girl. Now.... where should I begin...."

If I tried to do it all it would be waaaaay long, so I'm gonna have to break it up into a few parts.  The dream was long, but trying to write it all out makes it seem really really long. I summarized the rest of it for B, so getting it into story form will take a little work.  Not hard work, just some time.  

Maybe if a couple people let me know if they're even interested, then I could know whether or not to continue . . . and Sir, I don't think you get a vote, cause you've already read it . . . (crossing my fingers and hoping that everyone just thinks it's dumb cause the embarrassing part hasn't even started yet).

Until next time,
His devoted one

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Mad Libs - Spanking Style

If you haven't seen the origin of this little ditty . . . head on over to Kenzie's blog and check it out . . . then do one of your own!!!!!

Prelude to a spanking

What in the world was I thinking? Was I even thinking at all? How could I have possibly thought I was going to get away with this? If only I had listened to B when he warned me to behave. Why couldn't I have listened, just this once? I had a few simple rules I had to follow, and not only did I break one, I broke 9! We even went over the rules the other day. I can hear his voice in my head right now. He was standing over me, looking me in the Chest telling me he wanted to make sure I understood what was expected of me.

1.) No cursing allowed. Especially not the dreaded swear word, SCREWBALLIf that word even came close to coming out of my mouth. He'd make sure to wash it out with bananas!

2.) If I was going to be home late, let him know. He wanted to know I was safe, and not lost, wandering around in Israel!

3.) Have dinner on the table when he comes home from work. It's a long day when you do what he does. I can't imagine being a Condom Maker!! So if he wants a hot plate of Macaroniand Lasagna waiting for him when he gets home, why not make it for him.

4.) Corner time will always be done as follows: Hands on toes facing the corner. Don't speak unless spoken to, and only answer respectfully, making sure to say Pookie after each yes or no answer.

That's it! It really shouldn't be that hard to follow those rules! So here I am, waiting for him in the corner. Oh FRAZZLE I hear his footsteps. Here we go!

Well, well, what do we have here? Looks like my naughty little Bekah with her ears pressed into the corner, waiting for her punishment. Maybe if you hadn't been so pink you wouldn't be waiting to go over my tongue to receive your spanking. Out of the corner, come over to me, and let's see what two implements you picked out. Ahh, perfect choices, the car and the belt.

These two always seem to do the trick nicely. They change your attitude pretty quickly, don't they? You go from being a little brat, to being a sweet little lawn. Now, let's get started. I've had it with your attitude. You've been so curly lately, so let's see if we can put a stop to that.

Bahahahahahaha.... It made me laugh all over again typing it up.  Okay, now everyone else do one... okay???

Until next time,
His devoted one

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Ladies & Gentlemen. . . Drum Roll, Please. . .

B has a blog!!!!!!!!!

There aren't all that many male written blogs out there and I'm super excited he started one!!  He's put up two posts in two days. . . So he's doing better than I am with blogging right now. . . Lol.

I think our posts will often reflect eachother's and this is definitely true right now.  His first post is an introduction of sorts and the second follows nicely from where I left off in my last post with the conversation we had that night.

I hope you'll pop over and check him out and welcome him!!!!  He's still waiting on his first comment. . . Well from someone other than me. .  . I'm not sure i count. .  . Lol

Here's a link:  The Bishop (B)

Welcome to blog land, Sir!!!!!

(( I'm gonna do Kenzie'sSpanking Mad Libs tomorrow. . . If you haven't checked it out yet you should. . . It's hilarious.))

Until then,

His devoted one

Monday, August 12, 2013

I Want to Do Better Than I Am . . . An Attitude Adjustment

So. . . I think I've done everything imaginable to avoid writing this post. I've been thinking hard today.  See, I managed to get to work on time today, but I didn't get up when I was supposed to.  I started thinking. . . And I was beating myself up some becausee I really do feel guilty when I disobey him. . . And then I thought to myself, "This is his fault, this is a stupid rule, I hate this rule, If he would just make the rule that I had to be on time we wouldn't have this problem."

Please tell me that you see the flaw in that logic as clearly as I did in that moment.  *Really Bekah, it's his fault you're disobeying because you don't like the rule?? And the fact that you keep disobeying makes the rule stupid??  And after all your talk about wanting to be submissive you cop this kind of attitude because he made a rule that doesn't make you feel warm and fuzzy??** Um yeah... Lets talk about the defiance inside of me that I didn't want to look at.

I know that I want to be with a man who will lead me and I want to choose to submit to him, but I think that over the past few weeks I have a case of 'only-when-it's-fun'-itis.

Would it be easier if B were a little more of a disciplinarian? Probably.  If we weren't figuring this thing out long distance? Definitely.   If I had something to go besides how "T" handled me?  I think so.  If B and I both had a little more experience in this lifestyle? Most likely.

But when it comes right down to it is my job to decide what kind of a submissive woman I want to be and to decide if I'm going to play at submission or really choose it.  The test of that is coming up against a rule I really don't like.  Will I obey. . . Or will I stubbornly choose my will over his?  I'm not proud of the choice I've made so far.

Jason's Girl said something in a comment to the last post that B and I talked about and it really got me thinking.  She said,"Asking to be punished isn't a weakness. In many ways, it's a sign of strength. It says "I want to do better than I am." "

B agreed with that and I wasn't sure what I thought. I like to think, so I've been thinking about it on and off ever since.  I have a pretty wide masochistic streak, so asking for punishment sometimes trips something in me that can make it not feel so much like punishment anymore.  As I thought about that, I realized that the fact that I'm having a hard time with those lines says something about whether or not I'm taking this seriously.  Which takes me back to an earlier question. . . 'Do i just want to play at submission or do I actually want to choose to submit?'

If I'm actually choosing to submit to B then I can't blow off this rule, or any rule for that matter, and I need to take consequences seriously and cultivate a desire to obey him.  I won't be perfect, this rule isn't magically going to become easy for me, but my attitude about it needs to change.

Before anyone gets worried. . . Let me assure you that I can't imagine B and I taking this **too** seriously either.  This lifestyle needs to be fun and I want us to be good at playing with each other and I can't imagine the sassy streak I have disappearing. . . Ever.  But I need to satisfy the brat in me that way... By teasing or putting a toe over the line or poking at him periodically. . . But not by open defiance or deliberate disobedience.  

So. . . Sir. . . I'm there, I think my attitude is back in check . . . I want to do better than I am.

His devoted one

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Getting Up On Time

I wanna talk about rules.  I've mentioned rules before but tonight I wanna reflect a little on the purpose of rules. I also want to think "out loud" some about how my rules have frustrated me lately. . . or I guess to be more clear, how the way B has handled my rules has frustrated me.

B knows I got frustrated but I couldn't exactly find the words to explain myself.  The closest I got last night was, "It's not fair to me for you to make a rule if you don't care enough about the rule to enforce it."  I'm hoping to find the rest of my words here.

It's a weird balance. . . Having all sorts of opinions but also knowing that I don't get to to tell him how to be Dominant.  It's the whole "not being in charge" thing, existing at the same time as the "not losing my voice in this" thing.  Ya know??

Okay.. That train of thought will derail me completely of I follow it. . . Back to thinking about rules.

I guess I should start with telling you what my rules are.  There aren't very many. . .
  1. My pleasure belongs to him so I'm not allowed to cum without permission.
  2. I'm not allowed to wear anything but panties to bed.
  3. I'm to obey if he tells me to do something. . . like if he tells me which panties to wear, or that I have to play for a certain amount of time before I can cum, or if he gives me an assignment to do during the day.
  4. I'm not allowed to sass him. . . Except sometimes I can, but I can't sass in a way that's disrespectful. I usually know when I'm about to cross that line.
  5. I'm only allowed 4 cigarettes a day. (Stay tuned though because I think that my be 3 soon.)
  6. I have to get up when I'm told to AND be on time for work.
That last one is what I want to talk about.  I'm fully aware that I'm a grown woman and I should not need his help to get to work on time.  In all seriousness, I'm exceedingly responsible in most areas of my life. . . But I am NEVER on time for work. It's a huge weakness for me. I just hate mornings and being late has almost gotten me in trouble at work a bunch of times.

So. . . B made it a rule.  I bought an alarm clock and he decides what time that  alarm is set and when it goes off I'm required to get up. I set my phone alarm for whenever I want and I can hit snooze until my "Sir" alarm goes off, but then I have to actually get up. Along with getting up when he says, I have to actually make it to work on time.  If I'm late or I don't obey he sometimes makes me set the alarm back another 5 minutes.

But here's the thing. . . It's been over two weeks since since he made it a rule. . . Today is the first time I obeyed. . . And he's never enforced it.  Mornings are hard for me.  Rule #1 and rule #2 are in place because I'm his. . . And unless I'm feeling really defiant I like obeying them because they make me FEEL like I'm his. Getting up on time and being on time for work are just about improving me as a person.  He can make any rules he wants and I'm not complaining about the rule. . . But if B decides its a rule , he has to be committed to enforcing it right?? At least I think so. . . And I make the rules around here.

I actually told B, in a moment of vulnerability, " Sir, mornings are too hard for me to obey you just because I want to be obedient. If you want me to obey, you're gonna have to make it not worth it for me to disobey on this one."  I feel like that might make me a terrible submissive, but its the truth.  And I'm not like that about everything. The only things I can think of where it's that hard are mornings and smoking. Other than that I'm usually happy to obey because I like obeying him, I like making him happy, and I like feeling his dominance when I do things just because he told me to.

After I told him that I disobeyed and he didn't do anything about it. . . twice..  Then he told me he knows I beat myself up about it so that is a punishment and he knows I feel bad about disobeying.  That's true, I do beat myself up when I disobey and I worry that he's angry with me or frustrated and when he does nothing, one of two things happen inside me:
  1. I have all kinds of negative feelings toward myself with no way to resolve them and I can't tell if he and I are okay.
  2. I get it in my head that I'm not important enough to him for him to be willing to hold me accountable. From there I decide he doesn't actually really care if I submit to him and then I start feeling really defiant, because if he doesn't care then why should I?
The only coherent thought about all of this that I managed last night was, "it's not fair to me for you to make a rule if you don't care enough about the rule to enforce it."  His response was that if I didn't obey today, I would find myself in a cold shower tonight.  I obeyed today, but if I'm honest, I don't really think he would have followed through With that threat if if I hadn't.  I guess I just feel like it has to be as important to him that obey as it is to me.  Otherwise why should I bother obeying?

It's a little hard for me to publish this post because . . . 
  1. I think I sound whiny and petulant and overly critical.
  2. I know I don't get to tell him what to do (even if sometimes I really want to).
  3. I think it sounds like I'm begging to be punished and I'm REALLY not that big of a brat. . . But I guess I've been testing him some, checking to see if there's a bite behind the bark. . . So far there isn't.  I know I shouldn't test him. . . But he should follow through too.
Alright I think I'm all talked out. Of course I'm open to any wisdom, encouragement , or kicks in the pants that you'd like to offer. As always, all comments are welcome. . . Even the anonymous ones, so feel free to delurk anonymously if you'd like. . . I won't bite, just watch out for B.

Until next time,
His devoted one

(Sorry there's no pictures. . . My computers freakin out so I typed this up on an iPod... I just really wanted to get a post up, it's been too long. . .  Gettin it put together was a pain.. I didn't have any patience left for picture adding.)