I Want to Do Better Than I Am . . . An Attitude Adjustment

So. . . I think I've done everything imaginable to avoid writing this post. I've been thinking hard today.  See, I managed to get to work on time today, but I didn't get up when I was supposed to.  I started thinking. . . And I was beating myself up some becausee I really do feel guilty when I disobey him. . . And then I thought to myself, "This is his fault, this is a stupid rule, I hate this rule, If he would just make the rule that I had to be on time we wouldn't have this problem."

Please tell me that you see the flaw in that logic as clearly as I did in that moment.  *Really Bekah, it's his fault you're disobeying because you don't like the rule?? And the fact that you keep disobeying makes the rule stupid??  And after all your talk about wanting to be submissive you cop this kind of attitude because he made a rule that doesn't make you feel warm and fuzzy??** Um yeah... Lets talk about the defiance inside of me that I didn't want to look at.

I know that I want to be with a man who will lead me and I want to choose to submit to him, but I think that over the past few weeks I have a case of 'only-when-it's-fun'-itis.

Would it be easier if B were a little more of a disciplinarian? Probably.  If we weren't figuring this thing out long distance? Definitely.   If I had something to go besides how "T" handled me?  I think so.  If B and I both had a little more experience in this lifestyle? Most likely.

But when it comes right down to it is my job to decide what kind of a submissive woman I want to be and to decide if I'm going to play at submission or really choose it.  The test of that is coming up against a rule I really don't like.  Will I obey. . . Or will I stubbornly choose my will over his?  I'm not proud of the choice I've made so far.

Jason's Girl said something in a comment to the last post that B and I talked about and it really got me thinking.  She said,"Asking to be punished isn't a weakness. In many ways, it's a sign of strength. It says "I want to do better than I am." "

B agreed with that and I wasn't sure what I thought. I like to think, so I've been thinking about it on and off ever since.  I have a pretty wide masochistic streak, so asking for punishment sometimes trips something in me that can make it not feel so much like punishment anymore.  As I thought about that, I realized that the fact that I'm having a hard time with those lines says something about whether or not I'm taking this seriously.  Which takes me back to an earlier question. . . 'Do i just want to play at submission or do I actually want to choose to submit?'

If I'm actually choosing to submit to B then I can't blow off this rule, or any rule for that matter, and I need to take consequences seriously and cultivate a desire to obey him.  I won't be perfect, this rule isn't magically going to become easy for me, but my attitude about it needs to change.

Before anyone gets worried. . . Let me assure you that I can't imagine B and I taking this **too** seriously either.  This lifestyle needs to be fun and I want us to be good at playing with each other and I can't imagine the sassy streak I have disappearing. . . Ever.  But I need to satisfy the brat in me that way... By teasing or putting a toe over the line or poking at him periodically. . . But not by open defiance or deliberate disobedience.  

So. . . Sir. . . I'm there, I think my attitude is back in check . . . I want to do better than I am.

His devoted one