B knows I got frustrated but I couldn't exactly find the words to explain myself. The closest I got last night was, "It's not fair to me for you to make a rule if you don't care enough about the rule to enforce it." I'm hoping to find the rest of my words here.
It's a weird balance. . . Having all sorts of opinions but also knowing that I don't get to to tell him how to be Dominant. It's the whole "not being in charge" thing, existing at the same time as the "not losing my voice in this" thing. Ya know??
Okay.. That train of thought will derail me completely of I follow it. . . Back to thinking about rules.
I guess I should start with telling you what my rules are. There aren't very many. . .
- My pleasure belongs to him so I'm not allowed to cum without permission.
- I'm not allowed to wear anything but panties to bed.
- I'm to obey if he tells me to do something. . . like if he tells me which panties to wear, or that I have to play for a certain amount of time before I can cum, or if he gives me an assignment to do during the day.
- I'm not allowed to sass him. . . Except sometimes I can, but I can't sass in a way that's disrespectful. I usually know when I'm about to cross that line.
- I'm only allowed 4 cigarettes a day. (Stay tuned though because I think that my be 3 soon.)
- I have to get up when I'm told to AND be on time for work.
That last one is what I want to talk about. I'm fully aware that I'm a grown woman and I should not need his help to get to work on time. In all seriousness, I'm exceedingly responsible in most areas of my life. . . But I am NEVER on time for work. It's a huge weakness for me. I just hate mornings and being late has almost gotten me in trouble at work a bunch of times.
So. . . B made it a rule. I bought an alarm clock and he decides what time that alarm is set and when it goes off I'm required to get up. I set my phone alarm for whenever I want and I can hit snooze until my "Sir" alarm goes off, but then I have to actually get up. Along with getting up when he says, I have to actually make it to work on time. If I'm late or I don't obey he sometimes makes me set the alarm back another 5 minutes.
But here's the thing. . . It's been over two weeks since since he made it a rule. . . Today is the first time I obeyed. . . And he's never enforced it. Mornings are hard for me. Rule #1 and rule #2 are in place because I'm his. . . And unless I'm feeling really defiant I like obeying them because they make me FEEL like I'm his. Getting up on time and being on time for work are just about improving me as a person. He can make any rules he wants and I'm not complaining about the rule. . . But if B decides its a rule , he has to be committed to enforcing it right?? At least I think so. . .And I make the rules around here.
After I told him that I disobeyed and he didn't do anything about it. . . twice.. Then he told me he knows I beat myself up about it so that is a punishment and he knows I feel bad about disobeying. That's true, I do beat myself up when I disobey and I worry that he's angry with me or frustrated and when he does nothing, one of two things happen inside me:
But here's the thing. . . It's been over two weeks since since he made it a rule. . . Today is the first time I obeyed. . . And he's never enforced it. Mornings are hard for me. Rule #1 and rule #2 are in place because I'm his. . . And unless I'm feeling really defiant I like obeying them because they make me FEEL like I'm his. Getting up on time and being on time for work are just about improving me as a person. He can make any rules he wants and I'm not complaining about the rule. . . But if B decides its a rule , he has to be committed to enforcing it right?? At least I think so. . .
After I told him that I disobeyed and he didn't do anything about it. . . twice.. Then he told me he knows I beat myself up about it so that is a punishment and he knows I feel bad about disobeying. That's true, I do beat myself up when I disobey and I worry that he's angry with me or frustrated and when he does nothing, one of two things happen inside me:
- I have all kinds of negative feelings toward myself with no way to resolve them and I can't tell if he and I are okay.
- I get it in my head that I'm not important enough to him for him to be willing to hold me accountable. From there I decide he doesn't actually really care if I submit to him and then I start feeling really defiant, because if he doesn't care then why should I?
The only coherent thought about all of this that I managed last night was, "it's not fair to me for you to make a rule if you don't care enough about the rule to enforce it." His response was that if I didn't obey today, I would find myself in a cold shower tonight. I obeyed today, but if I'm honest, I don't really think he would have followed through With that threat if if I hadn't. I guess I just feel like it has to be as important to him that obey as it is to me. Otherwise why should I bother obeying?
It's a little hard for me to publish this post because . . .
- I think I sound whiny and petulant and overly critical.
- I know I don't get to tell him what to do (even if sometimes I really want to).
- I think it sounds like I'm begging to be punished and I'm REALLY not that big of a brat. . . But I guess I've been testing him some, checking to see if there's a bite behind the bark. . . So far there isn't. I know I shouldn't test him. . . But he should follow through too.
Alright I think I'm all talked out. Of course I'm open to any wisdom, encouragement , or kicks in the pants that you'd like to offer. As always, all comments are welcome. . . Even the anonymous ones, so feel free to delurk anonymously if you'd like. . . I won't bite, just watch out for B.
Until next time,
His devoted one
(Sorry there's no pictures. . . My computers freakin out so I typed this up on an iPod... I just really wanted to get a post up, it's been too long. . . Gettin it put together was a pain.. I didn't have any patience left for picture adding.)
Belay
ReplyDeleteI really do understand is and in fact have used this same phrase to H myself both verbally and in writing: you need to care about the rule you make, care enough to enforce it. And I have told him that I feel he doesn't care about me if he lets it slip.
I know I'm an adult. I know I am responsible for myself and my actions, but I just need this, it supports me.
It must be hard being an HoH, and I know there are times they may not want to deal with consequences, just get on and enjoy the good times, but things can be tough in all roles.
Now I also know that many people say the answer is to follow the rule, let him see you doing this, make him proud of you, and perhaps he will truly then come to expect that of you and will pick you up if you fail again.
Keep trying xx
Thanks janey and sorry it took me so long to respond. B and have talked a lot about this sense I posted it and its been good for us. The comments really helped me to see things more clearly... Funny how an outside perspective can do that. I do believe that it's important for B to be invested in any rules he makes but I also think it matters that I choose to obey regardless. And the last thing you said is a good reminder that his dominance is fueled by my submission.. It can't be only on him to act dominant in order for me to feel submissive.
DeleteThis stuff is hard work sometimes... Lol
Bekah
If you view your submission and his dominance as something you do together, rather as your dependency on him (and therefore, your lack of maturity, etc.), it helps. You ask for help. He gives it to you. You, therefore, have a need fulfilled and he, therefore, does too -- your need to be helped, and his need, as your Dominant, to help.
ReplyDeleteIt's not that you can't do it on your own. You can. But you have a lot to manage on your own, and it's more beneficial to have accountability sometimes.
Asking to be punished isn't a weakness. In many ways, it's a sign of strength. It says "I want to do better than I am."
Jason helps me with my diet. Can I do it on my own? Sure. Have I? Yep. Is it far easier for me to have his encouragement and support than to do it on my own? Absolutely. So that's how I present it. "Please, help me with this." Frankly, it's easier for me to do what I need to, knowing I'll get a spanking if I don't. And here's the kicker: It's easier for me to do it knowing I've let him down than to do it because I don't want to let myself down.
So I would suggest asking him for help by presenting it as a need of yours (accountability), not a weakness of his (lack of consistency). "I need your help with this. Please help me."
Jasonsgirl.. B and I are both really thankful that you shared your thoughts on this post. It really helped me see things from a different angle. B brought up what you said about being willing to ask to be punished. I wasn't sure if he would agree with you but he definitely does. Looking at it that way also calls me to be more mature. I have to want it too.. It can't be " playing at submission." Not that I was, but if I test him to try to make him prove he means it I'm not really taking him seriously. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm about to do a whole post on it but I wanted to thank you here too.
DeleteBekah
Hi Bekah,
ReplyDeleteHum, rules! I think rules are hard for both sides, for the sub to follow, for the Dom to enforce. I would say you can't choose which rules you like to follow and which you don't as you can't top from the bottom. But that's not that easy in real life.
What I understand is that you follow all your rules except this one, so you know what you have to work on. Being in a long-distance relationship isn't easy for both of you, but you need to trust him. If he didn't punish you, it's because he didn't feel it was necessary and you need to accept his decision. It's a very good thing you were honest with him and you have to trust him on how to handle this rule.
But I know sometimes it's difficult to do. I guess we all live these kinds of moments. Just trust him and yourself. You're doing pretty well on the smoking rule though it's very difficult for you, and soon it'll be the same for this rule too, and trust him to punish you if needed.
I've sometimes asked my Dom to punish me when I had disobeyed or was feeling guilty and he never did it then because I'm not to decide whether I'm to be punished or not. But we talked a lot when that happened, as you did.
You're not weak Bekah, maybe insecure, as we're all at what time or another. So my piece of advice would be trust yourself, trust the Bishop and keep expressing your needs. You're not in his head, neither is He in yours, so you need to communicate.
I wish you good luck and send you big hugs from across the Ocean.
Soumise
PS: I grinned when I read your nothing except panties in bed rule, my rule is almost the opposite: I can wear whatever I want but NO underwear!
Thanks Soumise. I think some of this was that we needed to talk more about all of this... And we did. He was viewing my guilt as a punishment and I explained that when he punishes me it gives me permission to let to of the guilt... Otherwise I just keep holding onto it. He hasn't realized that so he's taking that into consideration now.
DeleteHe wants me used to sleeping without clothes... And he's succeeded, I feel al tangled up now if I wear clothes to bed. When he's in my bed I don't biece the panties will be allowed either.
Hugs,
Bekah
First of all you do not sound whiney or bratty or anything like that here! Im pretty sure a lot of us have gone through this! Hell i know i have, more than once! We need to know that theyre not all talk and that theyre going to stick to their guns and follow through. Without the consistency, this dynamic just isnt the same.
ReplyDeleteI know its been said before and it almost sounds cliche at this point, but communicatation is the key. And then after that, communicate some more, and even some more!
Its also all in the way you talk to him about things. Ive tried two scenarios. The first being, "youre just not dominant and this sucks." Needless to say that didnt work well. Instead just explain how youre feeling and ask him what he thinks the solution should be. It really does do wonders.
I hope you get what you need soon. :)
We've talked a lot more about this after I posted and realized that we weren't understanding each other in a few things so that was good. And yes I am coming around to realizing that I need to take a hard look at my heart before I point the finger at him. This submitting stuff is hard work sometimes.
DeleteThanks for the encouragement!!
Bekah
I have been tied up with things going on so I have not had the time to comment much. But I am here at last and still working on my new blog post.. considering the title... Her Sir, or simply The Bishop's Chair. as a link to his devoted one's blog to expand and show my side of the story and tell things from my perspective. I had told her that I did consider her beating herself up over not getting up on time as a form of punishment, yet we discussed the issues and I came to see her point of view on the issue. So I did administer a rather... chilling.... punishment to that issue and was hopeful that it had been fruitful, but.. we shall see... at any rate. things are going well and we are definitely making headway despite the difficulties of a long distance relationship. I guess I will be off now as I do have things that must be done. Peace to you all....
ReplyDeleteThe Bishop ( B )
Thank you Sir.
ReplyDeleteYours