Sunday, June 30, 2013

I Dreamed A Dream

In the way of news . . . B and I are alright . . . I'm learning things about myself and ways that I will have to grow personally in order to make the long distance thing work. I believe that he is too and we're still talking about the "serious" stuff . . . of course . . . but we've also very easily slid back into being "us" in the past couple of days.  I realized that when I start getting overwhelmed with fears and doubts, I tend to try to wrestle him for the reins. I'm gonna try not to do that anymore . . . and it feels to me like he's been stepping up and leading us more clearly so I think maybe he's going to not let me.  So we're moving forward . . .

Now then . . . I promised you a different kind of post . . . and I'm gonna deliver on that.

B and I had talked one night about our pasts and different stuff.  I don't honestly remember exactly what we talked about but I know we talked about 'T' (you can read about him here if you like). I cut off contact with 'T' a week or so after B and I started talking . . . well, it's a little more complicated than that but that story isn't the point of this post.  What's important is that things with him were still very fresh and I was still making peace with some of the choices I had made concerning him.  B helped ALOT with that, as far as not judging me and being understanding and helping me get some perspective on it.  Even so, it was taxing emotionally for both of us to talk through all the details, B would feel protective of me and frustrated by his perceptions of how things had happened, I was insecure about all of it, 'T' is the first man I ever submitted to in any way and I'm still a little confused about how to feel about some of the choices I made within that and as a result thinking or talking about him kind of made me feel like "damaged goods."  I would worry that talking about it would make B jealous and angry even though he was very careful to tell me that I was His now and having a past is part of being human and there's nothing to be jealous about.  Anyway, the point of telling you that . . . is to tell you that we ended up talking about 'T' *right* before going to bed for the night . . . so some of the emotionally taxing part of it didn't get resolved before we said goodbye.

And then I had this dream . . .

I'm curled up on the couch in a tank top and pajama bottoms with the TV on as you walk in from work. It's about 8:30 and I've been home for a few hours. I was reading but that made me doze off, so I turned on the TV and I've been sort of in that place between awake and asleep, waiting for you to get home. I start to stretch as the door opens and closes, sitting up and smiling, turning to see you, but as I see the look on your face the 'Hey babe' dies in my throat and my eyes switch to worried, my stomach drops and my pussy clenches. 

You cross the room to me in a few deliberate steps and catch a fistful of my hair in your hand, pulling me to my feet. 

"Who do you belong to?" 

I pull against your grip, trying to think if I did anything wrong as I answer you, "You.. you.. I belong to you, Sir." 

Your hand tightens in my hair as I pull, making it hurt instead of it just anchoring me as you say quickly, "Don't you fight me. Be Still." and I settle into your grip as you ask me again, 

"Who do you belong to?" 

My answer is fast and a little more desperate, "You Sir, I belong to You. What did I...." but you cut me off by pulling up my tank top with your free hand and grabbing one breast,  then trapping a nipple between your fingers, pinching hard and pulling.. rolling it around, then doing the same to the other.

 "And these... who do these belong to?" 

Biting my lip hard, moaning deep in my throat, "They're yours Sir, they belong to you."

 You loosen up and roll them gently with your fingers, "And they're mine to do with as I please aren't they?" you ask too quietly.. in that voice that carries a warning. 

My answer is quick, "Yes Sir, yes Sir you..." but my voice drops off as you lean down and bite one nipple.. gently and then harder watching my face. 

"OOowwwwwwww" I whimper.. squirming a little in your hand and then stopping as your hand tightens in my hair. 

"Mine." You say quietly as you stand back up straight.

Your free hand moves immediately to pull my pajama bottoms and panties down.. pushing them far enough so they drop the rest of the way to the floor and then pulling me so that I step out of them. You drag me with you to the coffee table and simply say "Kneel". 

I start to protest.. "But Sir.. it's..." but you stop me by catching my chin in your hand and pulling my hair so that i'm looking up at you.. slipping your thumb over my lip and into my mouth and asking me, 

"Who does this belong to you?" 

"You Sir" I say around your thumb.

 "I don't want to hear another word unless I ask you a question... Clear?" you ask.. cocking one eyebrow up and sliding your thumb back out of my mouth. 

"Yes Sir," I concede dropping my eyes and closing my mouth.

You turn me so that i'm facing the coffee table again and I kneel onto it obediently and then let you position me, pushing me back so that i'm sitting on my feet, spreading my knees to the edge of the table. Then you use my hair to lower my head to the table in front of so that my ass is high in the air. I start to try to adjust my head, thinking you're going to let go, but you tighten your grip and I grow still.. waiting. 

Your free hand rests on my ass and you ask again, "Who does this belong to?" 

As you squeeze and pinch and knead my ass, I answer you, "You Sir, it belongs to you." 

I feel you pull back and know what's coming as your hand comes down hard on my ass, and then again and again and again. I whimper a little but otherwise hold my silence.. biting my lip. 

Then your fingers slide over my ass and rest gently but purposely on my asshole, "And this?" 

"It's yours Sir", I say quickly. 

"Yes, if I want it, ever, for whatever reason... Mine," you say as you hand wanders down to my pussy and I let out the breath I'd been holding.

Suddenly and quickly, you push two fingers into me, sliding me forward a little on the table. 

"OOhhhh" I let out in a sort of a gasp. 

"This... who does this belong to?" 

My pussy clenches around your finger as I answer, "It belongs to you Sir." 

And just as quickly as you put them in you pull your fingers back out and then pull back a little and smack my pussy, just enough for it to sting. 

"Owwww" I twist a little and your grip tightens again in my hair as you say firmly, "BE Still" and smack my pussy again a little harder. 

"Nooo OWwwww," I whimper, one hand wrapping around behind me to cover my pussy. 

Faster than i realize what's happening, you move me by my hair, pulling me to standing and then landing me with my nose in the corner, standing behind me.. pinning me in.

"Who does your pussy belong to?" you demand firmly. 

"You, it belongs to You, I'm sorry Sir." 

You stand behind me silently for a few beats and then say, "I think you can stand here for a few minutes and think about whether or not you have the right to try to block me from what's mine." I drop my forehead against the wall as you let go of my hair and walk off. 

I hear you walking around in the kitchen, fixing a drink.. and I kick myself internally for putting my hand back. As the time passes I settle down... thinking about submitting.. about not fighting you and then just as suddenly you're behind me again.. your hand in my hair.. moving me back to the coffee table. I obey quickly.. letting your hand in my hair move me where you want me and get settled back into the position you pulled me out of to put me in the corner. 

I know what's coming before it happens and you pull back and smack my pussy three times.. hard enough to be uncomfortable but not so much painful as it is personal.. sending a clear message. I hold onto the edge of the coffee table and stay still. You pull back one more time and land a sharper swat, "OOwwwwww" I whimper, but stay still.. my hands in front of me.

 "Mine" you say simply and I respond quickly, "Yes Sir."

You reach and find my clit.. thrumbing it with one finger and then squeezing it.

 "Who does this belong to?"

"You Sir" I gasp as you squeeze harder.

 "Who does your pleasure belong to?" 

I try to answer.. my voice caught in my throat but you keep talking.. squeezing my clit.. and rolling it between your fingers.. my hips squirming.. your hand tight in my hair.. my knuckles white as I hold onto the coffee table.

"Who do your orgasms belong to?" you demand, your mouth at my ear. 

"You Sir," I gasp, moaning and whimpering at the same time. 

Holding my clit, squeezing but nothing else you say clearly in my ear, "You are Mine.. all of you.. you got that?" 

My hips squirm harder as I answer you quickly, "Yes Sir, Yes Sir, Please Sir..." 

You flick my clit hard with one finger as you keep squeezing.. sending jolts of pleasure through me as you ask me in an amused voice, "Please what??"

 I whimper a little and then say quickly, "Please make me cum, Sir." 

You immediately let go of my clit and pull your hand away.. swatting my ass hard one time, saying quietly in my ear, "Cum??? Oh no.. we're not even to close to that yet."

Then I woke up . . . I always wish these dreams would follow all the way through to the end . . . but apparently that is not meant to be.

Until next time,
His devoted one

Friday, June 28, 2013

Warning... Lots of "Feelings" Below... Proceed with Caution

Well . . . the good news is that I'm pretty sure my apartment is the cleanest it's been since the day I moved in.

The bad news is that B is not in my apartment with me.

The other (maybe) bad news for all of you is that I'm about to start typing and just not stop until I get out everything that's on my mind . . . a stream of consciousness post, yes . . . an angsty post, yes . . . a "healing" post for me, I hope so . . . a fun post that keeps people reading, meh who knows, maybe not . . .

This one is really more for me to spill it all out and have it out of my head, and for B to be able to get maybe a clearer glimpse inside my head than I was able to give him this morning.  Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I'm not really worried about the "audience" with this post but you are certainly more than welcome to take this peek into my head . . . and as always, I love comments so any thoughts from anyone else would be welcomed.  Sometimes people can see clearer from the outside and provide some perspective.

B was coming . . . then things got dicey with some vehicle difficulties and we had a pretty hard conversation Wednesday night.  Then he was maybe still coming, he was going to look into renting a car.  Then he had to work late and was worried about how short the trip would be and was trying to get an extra day off work. I got really really vulnerable.  I think you would call what I did 'begging.'  I told him how much I felt like I needed him to come. How much I needed to know that he would do anything, do crazy things like drive all night just to be with me, even if the trip was short.  He said yes, he called and told me he was headed to get the rental car and would be on his way. We're still managing without him having a cell phone and he rebuffed my concerns about that, said he had my address and was on his way.  I started cleaning.  I had been putting off cleaning . . . I was afraid to believe he was coming so I just didn't do things to get ready.  Stupid?? Yes. But anyway, I started cleaning and doing things around the house and staying busy and getting distracted online and cleaning and made a grocery list, etc. etc, etc.

A little less than 2 hours before he should've been here, I got a call from his house phone. I had a moment of panic that something terrible had happened and one of his family members was calling me, but it was him and he was still where he lives . . . not 2 hours from where I live. A medical emergency with one of his family members stopped him from getting on the road and a cousin's dead cell phone kept him from calling me until he could get back home . . . which was the middle of the night. Add to that, he had not been able to get that extra day off so if he came, he would have gotten here in time for us to have maybe 24 hours, maybe not even that much . . . with 18-20 hours of drive time.

It was the middle of the night last night, I was honestly too tired to even react. He agreed to call me at a certain time today and I crashed.  I woke up this morning and texted all the people who we had plans to do dinner/drinks/ etc with and told them that he wasn't able to come. That's when it hit me and all the emotions that I didn't have the energy for last night came crashing in around me and I cried . . . a lot. I hate crying . . . I don't do it all that often. How quickly I cry when I feel hurt by B is really scary to me.  It shows me the depth of feelings that I've built for him, the way that he's turned my world upside down . . . that kind of vulnerability is kind of terrifying.

What's crazy is that as I typed that . . . I saw his side of it . . . I am able to see the way that this whole thing could be totally understandable and unavoidable and completely not his fault. So what's the problem you ask???  I'm gonna make a list and just get all the fears and worries and doubts off my chest.

  • Long distance is hard. This one is self explanatory. It lends itself to exaggerated doubts and worries.
  • Starting a relationship long distance is even harder. It's harder to build trust and much much easier to break it.
  • There's this build up to cancelling. I never feel like B really just says YES, there's always a condition or an exception in his mind. It makes me feel like he's preparing to cancel and wasn't ever planning to come.
  • There's no way for me to know if he's being honest or not. This goes back to the second one, the whole building trust thing. I'm gonna tangent for a second on this.  I had a fear before that B was stringing me along or was just toying with me. When I get really emotional, this fear pops back up. But when I"m thinking clearly, I don't actually believe this is the case.  I believe that I know enough about him at this point and we have shared enough and he has committed enough time and energy to this that I don't think there's anything malicious behind all of this. What I am afraid of is whether or not he is really ready to give his heart away, whether he is ready to be committed to this and to make me a priority.  Neither one of us were looking for this exactly when we happened upon each other. I am there, I am committed to this. I think he wants to be, he's said he is, but I"m very afraid that he's not.
  • I have learned that I don't handle disappointment well. This roller coaster is exhausting me. This is a weakness of mine that I have discovered. I'm sure there are people out there who could have taken this in stride, but I'm just not one of them. I'm working on figuring out how to deal with that. I actually think being submissive makes this one harder . . . I am more dependent on him then I would be in a "typical" relationship I think, But then, my relationship experience is pretty limited so I'm not sure if that's true.
  • There are other things that he is not doing when he says he is going to. I hate him not having a cell phone. I'm not going to get into the why's or how's or whatever because that's not the point. We have learned to function pretty well without him having one and I've worked on not nagging him about it, and it's not that I'm wanting to demand that he get one but the problem is that he has told me several times that it's going to be taken care of and then it doesn't happen. When a pattern builds in any area where he consistently says something is going to happen and it doesn't, it turns into a question of whether or not I can trust him at his word . . . refer to bullet number two. When that question is introduced it starts to bleed over and color everything else.
  • If I get upset or start melting down, he tends to withdraw. I believe strongly that this is a lot because of the long distance thing. I think if he could get a hold of me physically and reassure me or soothe my doubts he would, but doing it through the phone or chat is way more complicated. He is a red-blooded American man and "feelings talk" is not so simple for him, so if my feelings start just spilling out all over the place, I think he kind of "ducks and covers."  Two bad things happen with this, first I interpret this as not caring or as it not being important to him that I'm upset. I don't think that's true, I think it's a difference in communication styles and we are already making strides in figuring this one out. The second is that within the whole D/s thing it completely throws us off balance. It's like too much "girlfriend", not enough "submissive." I realized that today. I feel very adrift right now.  I hadn't put this together until a couple hours ago, but I think, if we're going to weather the stress of long distance and make this work, I'm going to need him to MORE Dominant when I'm "spilling emotions all over the place", not less Dominant.
Okay . . . that was a lot . . . if you're still reading you must be really invested in following our journey . . . thanks for caring.

The end of the story is this . . . I offered him an ultimatum of sorts.  When it comes right down to it . . . I want to be his, I love being his, I can picture a future with him and I don't want to give up on that. He's told me very clearly that he wants those things too. (Maybe in a future post I'll put up some of my favorite things he's ever said to me while we were chatting. I wanna get his permission first though because I'm not sure if that's too personal.)  I couldn't end things over this . . . I just couldn't . . . the idea of doing that made me want to curl up in a ball and sob.  On the other hand, I can't stay strapped into this roller coaster for a whole lot longer . . . I'm needing a more smooth ride. I'm not talking about a lazy river here, relationships are hard work . . . I 'm not looking for an easy way out. It's just been really intense for the past few weeks.

I need a time frame on this.  So . . . two weeks.  Plenty of time to ask off work, rent a car if needed, plan everything out so there's no last minute issues, etc. I told him, calmly and with tears in my voice, that if he isn't here weekend after next, I'm getting off the ride.  Thinking about that makes me want to throw up . . . I don't want that too happen, but we have to start moving forward. I need evidence that this is a priority for him and that he is ready to move forward with me.

Okay the real end of the story is this . . . I think offering that ultimatum was the right thing to do . . . I don't know for sure . . . it feels crappy but I think it's a good call.  One of the things I said to him this morning is that if he wants us to be together and he agrees that he can be here in two weeks, then I want us to move forward as "us" . . . I don't want this weekend being cancelled and the worries and fears and doubts hanging over our heads and dominating our conversations for the next two weeks.  I realized when I was thinking later, that the reason I was worried about this is because making "demands" and "insisting" on things made me feel so **not** submissive that it left me feeling very adrift and all on my own.  Is this the way women who aren't submissive to the men in their lives feel all the time?? 

(I want to feel like this . . .
B's favorite pic, I think)

(And I want to feel like this . . .
my favorite pic)

So, I'm gonna ask him if he can balance us back out . . . I don't know exactly what that looks like, and really what it looks like is not up to me . . . as much as sometimes I like to sass that I'm in charge around here, I know I'm not and I don't want to be. My part of it is that I need to make sure he knows that he doesn't have to ask or be tentative . . . for as long as we are on this journey together I am His, period . . . my submission isn't conditional to things being easy in the moment.  
I just know I need to feel his dominance somehow, I need to feel like "his" . . . to reset us and get us back to normal as we move forward.  If any of you have any ideas or suggestions about that, I know there's at least one Dom reading . . . B reads the comments so you can address ideas or thoughts or suggestions or encouragement to him as well.  I'm hoping he'll comment about this and offer all of you his take on it or even do a post of his own, but once again I'm not in charge around here and that's up to him.

I'll post something fun tomorrow . . .  promise . . . I think I'm gonna post a dream I had and then typed up as a story and sent to B.

Until then,
His devoted one

P.S. Spilling it helps . . .I feel better just after typing and proofing this . . . and it's hard to talk to friends, because being submissive to B bleeds into all of it, so even if they have good advice they don't really really really **get** it . . . I'm glad I have this place where I can spill all of it.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Wow . . . just wow . . .

While I was moseying along minding my very own business . . . being clueless as usual . . . something happened here in our little corner of blogland.  I realized it when I suddenly couldn't get to one of my very favorite blogs and then another blogger (who I am ever so thankful to) explained it to me.  I'm not sure if any others are as clueless as I am, but essentially an article came out that misrepresented TTWD horribly and was slanderous toward one of the bloggers I have grown to respect an awful lot.

I don't want to talk about the article . . . it kind of made me nauseous.

What I do want to do is to let anyone who's following along know that I pulled anything in my posts that would link a reader directly to someone else's blog.  My intention in putting the links there in the first place was to give credit where credit was due and to bring **good** attention to some of the bloggers that I particularly respect.  However, in light of all of this I don't want to make it any easier than it already is to hop from my posts to your blogs. So I've left the blogger's 'names' up but removed the link or web address.  We are all connected to a great extent by my listing the blogs I follow and in our following each other, but something about linking to someone in a post seems to indicate that we are the same.  I will own what I am saying as being true for me, but I don't want to indicate an assumption that it is true for anyone else by linking them to my specific posts.

Anyway . . . I'm going to carry on blogging as I have been other than this.  Well, I think I am . . . I haven't talked to B about it, so I guess that decision could change. The blog has been 'ours' from the beginning and I got permission from him before I started it because it's about us . . . not just me.  So hopefully I won't have to retract that stance after talking to him . . . but who knows . . . he's the one in charge of 'us' after all.

Until next time,
His devoted one

Monday, June 24, 2013

He's Coming!!!!!!!!!

Sooooo . . .  for those of you who are following along, B wasn't able to come visit this past weekend . . . but 


(I think she's super cute . . . and that face pretty much expresses how I'm feeling)

I'm sooooo excited I almost can't even stand it . . . . and I'm so nervous I think I might completely freak out.  To anyone out there who started their relationship long distance and is reading along I would LOVE any advice, thoughts, encouragement, do's/don'ts, etc. for this first meeting (or you could just tell me to CHILL OUT and let it happen . . . because that's probably pretty good advice too . . . maybe . . .)

I spent the past few days refusing to write this post because I was so afraid that he would cancel and then I would have to come back on here and retract.  Fear and doubts . . . lots of fears and doubts.  Then we talked last night and he said a couple things . . . .

First, last night he asked me a question:

"How many times am I going to have to tell you that I'm serious about this, that I'm committed, that I want this to work? How many time until you believe me?" (That may not be an exact quote, but it captures the meaning.)

So last night and today I thought back and remembered how many times he has told me exactly these things.  All the many many times he has reassured me.

Then he gave me some direction:

 "Put your fears away, put. them. away., and cheer up, I'm coming."

If I'm being honest, which I'm really trying to be on this blog, there is still a little part of me that is probably going to be afraid he won't come until he gets here . . . or at least until he's on his way.  **BUT** I'm trying to put that little part of me away, or at least shove her in a closet and lock the door and just be happy and trust that he means what he says and he won't let me down and that he is as committed to us as I am.

And seriously . . .  I'm soooo excited.

Now that I've made the decision to trust that he'll really be here on Thursday, I've started making plans.  The double-edged sword is this . . . he is driving a long way to get here, so i don't want us driving any more than absolutely necessary while he's here.  However, I live in a tee-tiny town and there isn't really anything to do here, but there's a beautiful waterfall we could hike to about 45 minutes or so away, which would give us something to do where we could just be together, and it's free (which is always nice) and we both love waterfalls.  So maybe we'll do that.

(Not this exact waterfall . . . I can't show you the real one because it would give away 
where I live . . . but the real one is at least this beautiful . . . in my humble opinion)

I went round and round on something when we were planning for him to come last time before it had to be cancelled.  The whole meeting friends and family thing.  Normally, you wouldn't do introductions on a "first date", but in this situation we've been talking for three months and it could be a couple months before he's up here again, so he's going to meet a handful of people who are important to me.  He says it's good and he wants to meet them . . . but I'm a little nervous.  Not that they won't like him . . . they love me and he's making me very happy, so I'm confident they'll like him.  Just nervous in general.

And sooooooo excited . . . did I mention how **EXCITED** I am???? 

So yes . . . I'm a bundle of mish-mash *feelings* right now . . . poor B probably has no idea what to do with me.

So if any of you ladies out there have advice for me that would be awesome, and if any of you men have any offers of sympathy for B that would be awesome too . . . teehehehehe.  (Really just anything you'd like to share with either of us would be great . . . of course . . . I'm not trying to tell anyone what to do . . . :). )

Welp . . . I gotta run now . . . I got myself in some trouble (not that you asked, but I messed up and then didn't tell him for a day, he was pretty unhappy and I felt awful and pretty ashamed of myself . . . one of those, 'i definitely knew better and just screwed up anyway' things . . . not fun) so I owe B some corner time and  it needs to be done before we talk tonight.  I'll be glad it's over, I hate being in trouble and I'm desperate for us to be "settled up".

Until next time,
His devoted one

Monday, June 17, 2013

Two roads diverged in a wood . . .

Two roads diverged in a wood  . . . . . . .

Well, I told you when I started my story that the rest was history . . . and then made a promise to tell it . . . so finally, here it is.

I was on a chat website and B private messaged me.   I was just on there to blow off steam, I was frustrated and struggling some with figuring out what I wanted and how in the world I could go about finding it, but then he messaged me.  Neither of us remembers exactly what we talked about that first conversation.  I remember asking challenging him as to whether or not he was "man enough" to tame me.  I was just being a brat, but his response was so quick.  He said he'd handcuff me to the bed and take a belt to me if that's what was needed . . .  and the submissive inside me peeked her head around and took notice.
(just peeking . . . checking things out . . . not wanting to get hurt)

We kept talking that night and agreed that . . . maybe . . . we'd talk again sometime.  If I remember right I deliberately didn't get on the next night, I didn't want to seem desperate, and I was a little afraid of how easily we'd connected.  I got on the next night and saw he was on . . . okay, I was looking for him . . . but you knew that already, huh?  Well, within seconds of me being on he messaged me and we started talking again.  We've talked in some way, shape or form every night sense then.

We realized that we share the same faith and some of the same interests. We were both raised in the same general part of the country, although pretty far away from each other, but this was nice because it effects culture, mannerisms, etc. 

 He started giving me assignments most nights for a while at the beginning. Little things. Like think of three questions to ask me, or research the Marquis de Sade, or count your panties and tell me how many and what colors.  Things like that.  I love assignments, I wish he would do them more now.  Mostly, I love anything that makes us feel connected, that makes me *feel* like I'm His. 

We talked and talked and talked, about everything. About family and our childhoods, and past relationships, favorite colors and movies, our hopes and dreams.  And we played, did some role-playing and stuff, spent some time getting to know each other's preferences, learning each other's kink.

Eventually we did the facebook thing and I was soooo nervous. I'm not a runway model by any stretch of the imagination and I struggle with self-image. But he liked what he saw and so did I.  

I remember one of the scariest conversations we had at the beginning. I was afraid that he was just looking for a submissive and I knew that being someone's submissive was not all I wanted. I liked him, but I needed to know if he was just looking for someone to play with or if his goal at the end of this was to have a wife. The reason this was so important to me was because I was not interested in getting tangled up in someone again who's end goal wasn't the same as mine, or with someone who didn't have his heart to give. He told me that what he wants is what his grandparents had . . . which is over 50 years of marriage and a full life of happiness and real commitment to each other. 

I relaxed and decided that maybe we could make a go of this.

I don't think I'll ever forget the first text I got from him.  I had it saved, but my phone decided it hated me so now everything in that phone is lost forever. We were ready to be talking on the phone but then his phone was broken so we had to wait. It felt like the wait was forever. But then one day I got a text from him . . . so simple . . . so "Him" . . . it just said, "Good morning sunshine."  And I melted. I went into a really stressful meeting right after that and one of my co-workers leaned over at one point and whispered to me, "Isn't this pissing you off???" I responded by shrugging my shoulders, continuing my doodling, maintaining the stupid grin on my face, and saying "He texted me..."

I feel like I don't know where to go from there. I love being His. It's not always easy.  We've struggled some. It's been nearly three months. Everything was planned for us to meet at the two month mark and then, because of circumstances entirely out of his control, B had to cancel.  It was really hard for me, I was sooooo disappointed but we moved forward. We had a hiccup recently, it was pretty difficult but we talked it out and I think we're moving forward.  

I'm having a hard time today.  It's not all him.  I have some stuff going on with my family and we're in the middle of a health scare that is requiring surgery for someone I'm very close to. Father's Day is hard for me. My dad died about four and a half years ago and on days like yesterday I miss him terribly. Things are kinda tough at work right now.  I'm pretty sure I'm pms'ing.  

In the midst of all of that, B is supposed to be coming this weekend but he hasn't confirmed it with me yet.  A big part of me is trying to somehow prepare for him cancelling.  I'm still battling a lot of fears that I'll be hurt, that this is more important to me than it is to him, that it's just a game to him.  He's told me that's not true, but some days it's still hard.  He is the king of phone troubles so we've been doing this without him having a cell phone for a few weeks and it's really hard not to be able to be reassured during the day that I matter to him, that he's thinking about me, that I'm a priority.  Then I think to myself that I'm being ridiculous and needy and he's probably just going to write me off . . . which does nothing to help with all the other fears. He's probably going to be frustrated when he reads this, but honestly . . . my phone works and I've been not scheduling anything on the weekend for three weeks waiting for him to work out a way to get here . . . so if he doesn't want me to be so afraid he's going to have to do something to make me not feel so afraid. 

I can't believe I just typed that . . . but I'm going to leave it because it's honest.

This post ended up not being at all what I wanted it to be.  I've read where other people say that's happened to them but this is the first time I've experienced it.

Here's what I want to say to close . . .

I love being His. I decided to do this post tonight, talking about how we found each other, in an effort to focus on how much I love being His.  It did that for me, but I don't know if anyone else will get that.  Today, I'm feeling kind of negative in my head, but in writing this I can see that it's rooted in fear. I'm afraid of him not coming, I'm afraid that if he doesn't come that will mean that he doesn't really care about me and that this isn't "real."  But I only have those fears because I love being His. If I didn't, I wouldn't be working this hard, I wouldn't be trying to figure it out. 

As soon as he tells me tonight that he's definitely coming (please please please let him tell me tonight that he's definitely coming), I'll be able to breathe again, at least a little . . . I'll breathe for real when he gets here.  This long distance thing, mixed up with D/s is complicated . . . it's definitely the road less traveled . . . but I can see the potential of forever in him . . . and I'm hoping that being willing to travel this road with him will make all the difference.
Until next time,
His devoted one

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Don't Write Me Off . . . please . . .

So, I know . . . because I read Bonnie's advice . . . that when you're first starting a blog it's a good idea to do a post every other day or so for awhile to make sure people don't think you're one of the those blogs that started and fizzled.

I know it's been a few days . . . but please don't write me off, I'm still here!!!

I had some internet difficulties and then B and I had something we needed to work through and that took all of my time and attention last night. I was tempted to blog last night before he got home from work, to start just spilling thoughts out, but I realized that I want to be more careful than that with my thoughts.  I can have any thoughts I want, and B has said that I am free to share good and bad thoughts here, but I don't want to be careless and I want to make sure he and I have worked through things before I start turning to anyone else. Babygirl said in a comment that she thinks it's good for me to look to Him first to set things right, and I agree. So last night, I held my peace until he and I could talk.

I'm not gonna give details, because it's one of those things that feels intimate in a different way than punishments or fantasies and honestly isn't all that interesting . . . there's no juicy details or anything. It was just a really difficult conversation about the importance of trust and only telling the truth. That's important always, but at the beginning of a long distance relationship, it's pretty crucial.  We had a pitfall, we talked it through, and I do believe we are better than ever. Y'all are getting my thoughts at the very beginning of this journey. B and I haven't even met in person yet, although I think he's coming next weekend  (feel free to pressure him in the comments and share your opinions on how very very VERY important it is for him to work it out to come), but anyway . . . I think some of the "trust" angst will go away with time as we grow closer.

Our conversation after the difficult one last night was really good. I think the fact that we made it out of the other side of that first conversation and decided we both still wanted to be "us" and make a go of this thing was very freeing. We talked about hopes and fantasies . . . what makes us tick and why (although I think my "why" is often just incoherent rambling). I may post some more about that later, but for now I just wanted to wave and say hello. I'm thankful you're still reading and I'll talk to you again in the next day or so.

Until then,
His devoted one

P.S. Real life isn't always juicy . . . I'll try to do a more "exciting" post next.

Monday, June 10, 2013


Well, for those of you who are following along (waving and smiling sheepishly),
Last night I was pretty sure I was in some trouble.  I was.  I also learned something very important, it could be considered a rule . . . although he didn't call it one, but I think I'll treat it with the same importance that I treat my rules.
What is it, you ask??  It is this:  Do not, under any circumstances, put up a blog post admitting to being disobedient before admitting such to B directly.  Now before you get too worried, I had decided I wasn't sure about this anyway. So, while the post was finished before I got to talk to him last night, I didn't post it until after he and I were talking about it.  I told him after that I had thought about posting it before then and he said . . . and I quote . . . "I would have hit the roof, you would have been in so much trouble."
(Bekah's life goals: #1, Never make my Sir look like this . . . )

Noted Sir, I won't ever post something like that before I've told you.

He decided to . . . ummmm . . . (blushing hard) . . . punish the offending part of me.  I didn't think talking about punishments would be this hard, but I'm kind of ashamed of myself so it's a little embarrassing to re-live it.  Okay, maybe if I just type it quick.  He had me get ice and hold it to my . . . well, to . . . down there okay . . . while he timed it and it was COLD. 

 And I didn't argue with him but I may have whimpered and  fussed a tiny bit, because it was COLD.  Did I mention yet that it was cold.  I think that this could be very erotic and I know that B is excited to play with ice with me because he's told me, but in this context, just holding it there and it being a punishment, it wasn't fun . . . it was just COLD, and embarrassing, and it kinda hurt.

After that I had to stand in the corner for 20 minutes and was tasked with thinking about why we do punishments in the first place.  I suppose that now would be a good time to say that I hate the corner . . . so much.  I know, and can admit when I am not facing corner time, that the corner is good for me. It makes me think . . . it makes me **feel** submissive and small . . . it puts me firmly in my place . . . and I almost always come out in a better frame of mind than I went in.  But, in the moment, when he says, "You're going to spend 20 minutes in the corner . . ." all of that rational thinking flies out the window and the only thought in my head is, "20 minutes!?!?!? That's forever!!! I haaaate the corner!!!"  I tried a couple of times to talk my way out of it, got a little whiny and gave him a couple of "Sir please's" but he wasn't having it and I spent my 20 minutes in the corner. (I won't tell them how you forgot me in the corner, Sir . . . we'll keep that between us.   ;-) )
(I had on a tank top and panties . . . but this one looked the most like how I was standing)

I'm sure he would want me to tell you what I learned, so here it is:

  1. Punishment is supposed to make it "not worth it" to disobey him. It's supposed to discourage any behavior he doesn't want me to do. 
  2. It's also supposed to re-establish our roles. It's me accepting and remembering that I've given him the right to exert his will over mine.  In disobeying, or breaking a rule, I've exerted my will over his so when he exerts his will over mine in a punishment, in something clearly unpleasant, it corrects the imbalance I've created and re-establishes order in our relationship.  
  3. The third thing I came up with is that it gives us a way to quickly achieve a peaceful resolution to wrongdoing. I tend to beat myself up over things, so when he punishes me and then it's over and we move forward, it gives me permission to let go because I've "paid" for it. It also gives him something to do with any angry/hurt/frustrated feelings he has over being disobeyed because he can make me"pay" for it and then we can move on.
I think that pretty much sums it up . . . We had a pretty intense conversation today that I will probably blog about in the next day or two, but I wanted to get this one up first so that my posts would be in order.

I seriously love getting advice or thoughts or encouragement or even constructive criticism. He is as invested in this blog as I am (although I'm really hoping he'll start one . . . more on that later) and we are both appreciating the comments we're getting and would love more.

Until next time,
His devoted one

Sunday, June 9, 2013

I Think I'm in Trouble . . .

I don't have very many rules right now, and, if I'm honest, they are not all that hard to follow.

Every once in a while though, I get it in my head that I don't really **need** to follow one rule or another.  I've tried to explain what happens in my head to B, but honestly, it's different each time.

This time for example . . . .

I had food poisoning yesterday.  I was throwing up pretty spectacularly, it scared me, I went to urgent care.  They gave me some medicine, I went home and took it and then proceeded to sleep soundly for about four hours.  B called me, checked on me.  He was very, very sweet and we talked for a little bit, but he had a long day, and today was going to be another long day for him, so we didn't talk for long.  I was still feeling pretty wiped out, but because I took a four hour "nap", I was also wide awake.  I tossed and turned for awhile and couldn't get back settled.  Well, there's something that will sometimes settle me enough to help me drift off (blushing crimson).

Enter the rule in question . . . . I'm not allowed to cum without permission.  I belong to Him, all of me, including my pleasure.  I don't mind the rule most of the time, I think it makes sense.  We even have a built in loop hole for times like last night. B started giving me two "get out of jail free" cards each month.

If I break a rule by accident, or if I want to break one at a time like last night when calling him would definitely have been a bad idea, because he was sleeping . . . I have this gift of two freebies that I can use. My two cards are were still intact. So. . .  no harm done, and I slept like a baby for the rest of the night.
(I don't look anything like her, but I think that's a pretty good depiction of post-O bliss... lol)

Now we're to this morning. I woke up and read some blogs. I'm re-reading 50 shades so I read some of that. In my defense, between those two things, who wouldn't want to cum. B's cell phone is not working, so I couldn't text him to ask for permission.  I still had a "get out of jail free card" in my back pocket so I used it. I don't know that B would have been particularly impressed that I used two in a row so quickly, but they're mine and there's no rules about how I use them, just that there's only two.  Well, now there are *zero* until July 1.

So now we are to this afternoon . . . I realize that this post is making me look like a wanton sex addict, but honestly, haven't you ever had a day when you were just insatiable???  I have them periodically, today was one of those days and I was fanning the flame.

I'm also feeling much, much better, but my stomach is still a little weak so I took it easy for the most part. On days where I take it easy like that, I tend to curl up with a book.
The book I'm reading right now is 50 shades . . . so I was just asking for trouble.  

Anyway, I'm avoiding telling what happened.  I curled back up and started reading again and got myself all hot and bothered, and then things fell apart in my head.  What I think when this happens changes at least a little from time to time but the gist stays the same.  I wanted to cum and knew I wasn't allowed. I thought about the rule and twisted it in my head to decide that it wasn't really very important.  I decided really this is B's fault for having a phone that doesn't work.  I decided that the punishment won't be that bad and that I don't really need to worry about it. I decided that it was worth it to break the rule and ask for forgiveness later.

Those thoughts lasted until about four and a half minutes after I broke the rule. Then they started falling apart in my head and I remembered who I am, and what I've chosen with B.

  • I realized that B has given me the gift of the get out of jail free card and I used them up and then took advantage of his kindness by breaking a rule.  

  • I realized that regardless of how frustrating it is for me when B's phone doesn't work, I am a full grown woman with self control and I was fully capable of waiting until I could get permission tonight. 

  • Another thing about this point is that my being turned on coming into tonight could have been a gift to him and I wasted that opportunity.  

  • I remembered that the rule is important for the reasons I gave earlier and because regardless of how "big" the rule is, willfully disobeying him is not okay, and I know better and want to be better than that. 

  •  I remembered that B and I recently had a looooong conversation about punishment, which I'll have to tell you about in another post, but the important thing is that I told him I don't take his punishments seriously and he basically said we'd take care of that the next time I crossed him. 

  • I remembered how unhappy B was the last time I broke this rule, and how much I HATE it when he's unhappy with me. 
As all of these things came into light in my brain, I realized that it definitely, definitely wasn't worth it to break the rule.
So now I'm mentally kicking myself for letting myself go there and getting all disobedient in my head. 

So yeah . . . I think I'm in trouble . . . I haven't talked to him yet . . . I'll guess I'll tell you guys what happens later.  I'm gonna sit here and pout for a little bit while I wait for him to get home from work.  Other people have these irrational moments too right??  I'm really hoping it's not just me . . . .

Until Later,
His devoted one

Friday, June 7, 2013

Feeling Needy

I promise I'll tell you all about how B and I went from chatting for the first time on a spanking website to where we are now. . .   but today I've got stuff rumbling in my head and I want to get it out.  I'm hoping that y'all may have some wisdom or insight to share, but regardless, I think it will do me good to get it out of my brain and into the blog.

I've never really considered myself to be a very 'needy' person. I am very level-headed, even-tempered, kind of serious but mostly laid back, love to have a good time and enjoy doing pretty much anything, and I'm pretty independent in a lot of ways.  I am not the type to cling to someone.  I want to submit, I'm drawn to submission . . .  but I am perfectly competent on my own.  I've known for a long time that a pre-requisite of any man I might date would be that he would have to be a strong leader . . .  sure of himself.  I knew that even before I considered adding ttwd (or D/s or whatever you want to call it) to the mix.  I'm a pretty darn good leader myself and, while I am so much happier, more peaceful, and more settled if I can relax and follow someone, I won't follow just anyone.  I need to be led by someone who is definitely stronger than I am . . .  or as I said to B the first time we talked, "strong enough to tame me."

This desire to be led . . .  this desire to submit . . .  did NOT prepare for how much I would feel like I **need** it now that I've gotten a taste of it.  (I know it's a want not a need. . . .  but sometimes it's hard to remember that.)  I feel like I could constantly beg B for more, more, more.  Dominate me more, take me over, invade my space, make me uncomfortable, ignore it if I balk when you tell me to do something, punish me for arguing with you because I'm really just checking to see who's in charge,  overrule my decisions, tell me no just because you can, interrupt my routines and change them, etc, etc, etc.

Overwhelming, huh???  I think so.  I'd be overwhelmed if I were him. So I tone it down, or I try to, because I have a genuine fear that if he knew the depth of what I desire, he would decide that I'm too much work.  It makes me nervous to say that, because I'm not sure how he'll feel about it, but we agreed that this is the place for good and bad feelings.  So here's some that aren't so good.

Being long distance doesn't help with the insecurities OR the wanting more. If I could see his eyes, if he could hold me . . . I don't think I'd struggle with doubts the way I sometimes do.  Also, how to play out the D/s dynamic is more complicated and more work for him long distance. I know that and I know that we're both trying to figure this out.  I'm choosing to be patient for the most part and trying to do it gracefully, but every once in a while (right now for example) the petulant and generally unwelcome "leader" (or undermining, bossy tyrant . . . if you prefer) in me pops her head up and wants to say . . .  "If I were in charge around here . . ." or "Why don't you just do this . . ." or any other number of unsubmissive things.

B is a good man and a strong man.  He's not perfect and neither am I, but he's leading us well.  I guess what I want to come to y'all with is this . . .
Do you ever struggle with feeling "needy"?  If so how do you handle it?
Do you ever struggle with wanting to tell him what to do?  I think it's called "topping from the bottom." How do you handle that?
And if any of you battle insecurities, do you have any tips for how to set them aside?

Thanks for any advice or wisdom, and just so everyone knows . . . unless there's a problem sometime in the future, I'm happy to take anonymous comments so you don't have to reveal yourself to share here.

Until next time,
His devoted one

Your Assignment for Today........

***First of all, I want to thank everyone who has commented. I LOVE comments!!!!  I also want to thank everyone who has come by and read here so far (smiling sweetly and waving to you).  Blogging is fun.***

When 'B' and I first started chatting, he would often end the night by giving me an 'assignment'.  There were lots of different ones, and I'm sure I'll share about more of them as I continue to get to know all of you, but tonight I want to share just one of them.  He asked me to write him out a fantasy and email it to him.....  and I panicked.   

I mean completely panicked...  like freaked out....  was sure I couldn't do it....  got so embarrassed I thought I might just not do it....  thought of about a bazillion excuses I could give him for not doing it.....  started it and deleted the email draft about 12 times.  You get the picture.  (He knows none of that.... so that should be a fun conversation.)   But of course, I did it and once he told me he liked it.....  a lot.....  I took a deep breath and patted myself on the back and thought I would never tell him about the mini-crisis brought on by the assignment.  And then I started a blog.....

I'm gonna share the fantasy I wrote, I'm figuring you all guessed that.  I feel like I should insert a quick warning though.  Everyone does blogs differently.  Mine has the "adult warning" because, well, it's gonna have adult things.  I want to write about my journey with 'B' and about thoughts and questions that I have about ttwd, and I'm probably going to include some fantasies, or more sexual things from time to time.  I'll always offer a warning.   I know that some of my favorite blogs don't really do the kind of entries that I'm doing right now....  and I really want to be friends with some of those bloggers so I want you to know right here that the story below is overtly sexual, so if that's not your thing, please skip this post and I promise I'll put up more of our story and things that aren't as sexual tomorrow.

The Assignment...

I walk in the house from work and you're sitting on the couch, looking at something on your computer.  I'm frazzled....  it was a rough day and it must show on my face because you put the computer to the side and look at me and then just say, "Come here."  I look at you and roll my eyes just a little....  I'm kind of in a mood.  "Come here." again....  in that voice that I know better than to argue with.

I walk over, and faster than I realize what is happening I'm over your knee and I start squirming, resisting.... but then you swat me once....  hard..  "Be still." 

 I settle down as you find your rhythm, but then you stop and mumble.. "too many clothes.." as you stand me back up and start to unhook my pants and slide them with my panties down to my knees.  I go back over your knee willingly this time and you start again.  Slow and steady....  not too hard but enough so that I'm feeling it pretty quickly.  I start to squirm again and you stop....  rubbing my ass....  sliding your fingers down lower....   and I moan softly and then you start swatting again....  a little harder....  and it hurts....  and it doesn't....  all at the same time.  You spank and rub and spank some more and then you ask, "Rough day?"   "Yes Sir," I admit, and you say gently, while spanking me harder, "It's over and you're home....  and when you're here, you're mine."  I sigh deeply and murmur, "Yes Sir" as i settle over your lap.

I hear the *crack* before I feel it and all the sudden it STINGS.  I jerk a little and turn to see what you have, but you tangle your free hand in my hair....  not pulling but holding me still, "You rolled your eyes at me just then....  and I had to tell you twice to come here."  And the....  whatever it is....  comes down several more times and I wriggle a little on your lap.  You lay it on my lower back so that you can rub and I realize it's a wooden spoon.

 "Yes Sir, I'm sorry, I won't do it again."  "Mmmhmmm," you say gently as you pick the spoon back up and start again. It lands over and over all over my bottom and the tops of my thighs and I try to be still but I buck a little on your lap and I start to whimper, "owwww.. I'm sorry,"  I whimper quietly and you stop again and rub.. your hand dipping down between my legs and your finger pushing into me just a little.  "You're wet," you say with false surprise, and I roll my eyes again knowing you can't see them....  thinking to myself that of course I'm wet....  I'm always wet when I'm over your lap.... but I blush hard anyway, and just say 'Yes Sir' in a small voice.  You rest your hand on my ass.. and comment, "lovely," and then say, "just a little more, don't you think?"  I squirm a little.. but quickly say, "Yes Sir," because I know that's the right answer.  You pick the spoon back up and start again.  It feels harder this time, but maybe that's just cause I'm already tender.  My whimpering gets more pronounced and I cross and uncross my ankles....  "owwwww,"  I moan....  wanting you to stop and not wanting you to stop....  my ass is so hot and sore and you keep going and I feel myself finally relax over your lap.  It hurts, but I feel the weight of the day leave me and then you stop.

Your hand slips back between my legs, rubbing and pinching and then your finger rests on my clit.  You tap it a few times and my hips buck a little....  wanting more.  I'm aware of the fact that I can feel you now, hard against me.  You rub my clit, as your fingers start to explore inside me and I begin to writhe over your lap....  pushing my hips back.... wanting more.  "Greedy little thing," you say with a smile in your voice and I blush all over again.  Then just as quickly, your hands are out of me and you swat me one time for good measure. "Oohhhhhh.."  I moan sadly, my hips still moving on their own but you slide me off your lap so I'm on my knees between your legs.  "Patience," you say simply, one eyebrow raised, and I blush a little and drop my eyes, murmuring "Yes Sir." 

You free your cock, already mostly hard and I grin a little and look up at you, waiting.  You nod slightly and I lean forward and kiss the tip.. feeling my pussy clench.  I hover there for a second and then say just above a whisper, "may I?"  You nod again and I circle the tip with my tongue and then put just the head in my mouth and roll my tongue around it, sucking softly.  One of your hands tangles in my hair and my whole body relaxes as I focus on pleasing you.  You set the pace and I suck you in and out slowly....  taking a little more each time until I'm taking the length of you breathing slowly.  Your hips buck slightly and I grin with you in my mouth....  and then pull back....  pushing against your hand in my hair.... pushing my tongue against the underside of your cock until just the head is in my mouth again and I run my tongue around it and lick the tip gently....  teasing you.  Your hand tightens in my hair and you push my head down hard and hold me there, with your cock down my throat.  I gag a little my eyes watering, and then relax.... loving the feeling of being in your control.  I suck hard and then softer and then just as quickly, you pull my head back and off.  I breathe deeply, looking up at you with a question in my eyes. "Bedroom. On the bed. On your back. Now."  You say firmly and I jump to obey. You swat me hard as I get up and I move a little faster....  knowing you're right behind me.


That's as far as I got in the time that I had....  We finished the rest of it together that night.... I wish in person, but you know.... nine hours is a long way.  It was still fun though....  lots of fun.  I'll leave it to your imaginations from there as well.

Until Later,
His devoted one

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

A Long and Winding Path

Well... I figure I'll continue my introduction by sharing, very briefly, how I found my way to where I am now. It was a long road, with quite a few detours and u-turns. I'm pretty sure I turned the wrong way on a one way at least a handful of times. Sometimes I poked along well below the speed limit, riding my brakes and other times I slammed on the gas and came dangerously close to a few head on collisions. (Thinking about it that way... I'm lucky I didn't have a dominant man in my life... can you imagine the state of my backside if I actually did all those dangerous things???)

I've had a thing for spanking for as long as I can remember. I don't know why. I've wasted a lot of time and effort trying to figure out why and have finally given up on that pursuit. What I know is that by the time I was able to be turned on by things... spanking turned me on. It has been part of pretty much every fantasy I've had since puberty, or if there wasn't spanking directly in the fantasy, the man in the fantasy was always ridiculously dominant.

Then I went to college and got my own computer... and... well.... I'm just gonna say that unhindered internet access opened my eyes to a lot of things, things I don't think I ever would have fathomed on my own.  I realized for the first time that I wasn't the only person in the world interested in these things. I struggled a lot with guilt for a long time over all of this and that circle of exploring and then feeling guilty or ashamed and then starting over and going round and round played itself out for a long time.

I'm gonna skip ahead a bunch to the past couple of years. I discovered blogs!!!
The first blog I ever read was Christopher and ella's. I happened upon it by accident, I was on SpankingTube and  watched one of their videos (I'm blushing... I don't know why I'm afraid of being judged on an anonymous blog... I'm ridiculous) and it had a link to their blog. I clicked over and started reading about them and a whole new world was opened up to me.

From there I read Stormy and Mick and Susie. I read bits and pieces of a handful of others and I discovered that real people, good people were living this life that I'd fantasized about. Of course, none of it was an exact match, because fantasy isn't reality, but there were husbands who were strong leaders, with women submitting to them and there was spanking.... I was in awe.

I was more attracted to the DD side of things at that point because it reflected whole lives, with people committed and married to each other. There is a wholeness about it that drew me in. One thing I noticed was that the people I was reading about seemed to have the discipline or the "kink" but not both. I was a little dismayed because I wanted both. I wanted a man I could follow and submit to, who would keep me in line AND I wanted the kinky sex. And I wanted all of it in a real relationship that could be forever, not just play. I know.... pie in the sky sort of hopes.

At the end of last year, I got restless with reading about other people's lives and I decided that getting all of it was maybe impossible and that I would settle to just try out the "spanking/submissive" thing through play. I feel like I should explain that, while other people do this and it works for them, I had never even considered it. I'm too hardwired to want the whole package, so even as I started to explore the idea, I think I knew I wouldn't be happy to settle. I got in touch with someone who is well known as a disciplinarian. We emailed and then I panicked and didn't email him for like three months. Then I emailed him again, but I found 'B' before anything ever came of that. I discovered a chat room that was spanking themed, so to speak, and started messing around some on there. That was..... eye opening. There are some very very very interesting people in this world.

I started talking to a man that I'll refer to as "T." There are so many reasons why getting as attached as I did to "T" was probably not a good idea. He fed the submissive in me, we chatted through some really intense role-plays, and he slowly got tangled into my life, taking me over in a lot of ways, little by little.  Buuuutttt... he was too old for me, not neccesarily emotionally available, I was dishonest about couple things from the beginning, there was never a chance of us having a future.... it was just play, well... play that felt like a lot more than play. I met him once and honestly right after that things started dwindling. I think meeting reinforced for me at least, that this wasn't going to be permanent and things started happening in his life that made him less and less available. He was using me.... and I was using him. The difference, I think, is that I knew it and I'm not sure he would have thought about it that way. As things were dwindling with "T", I was picking up the pieces and got back on the chat site, honestly mostly just to blow off steam. If only I'd known.....

I signed into the chat room on March 22, 2013, expecting nothing and 'B' messaged me. My username encouraged people to spank me... (blushing again).... so he said something about that. I believe I asked him if he was man enough to tame me. He responded that if I were his, he would just cuff me to a bed and take a belt to me if he needed to.....

And the Rest is History.....

(but I'll tell you about it... just later... in a Part 2)

Until then,
His Devoted One