I promise I'll tell you all about how B and I went from chatting for the first time on a spanking website to where we are now. . . but today I've got stuff rumbling in my head and I want to get it out. I'm hoping that y'all may have some wisdom or insight to share, but regardless, I think it will do me good to get it out of my brain and into the blog.
I've never really considered myself to be a very 'needy' person. I am very level-headed, even-tempered, kind of serious but mostly laid back, love to have a good time and enjoy doing pretty much anything, and I'm pretty independent in a lot of ways. I am not the type to cling to someone. I want to submit, I'm drawn to submission . . . but I am perfectly competent on my own. I've known for a long time that a pre-requisite of any man I might date would be that he would have to be a strong leader . . . sure of himself. I knew that even before I considered adding ttwd (or D/s or whatever you want to call it) to the mix. I'm a pretty darn good leader myself and, while I am so much happier, more peaceful, and more settled if I can relax and follow someone, I won't follow just anyone. I need to be led by someone who is definitely stronger than I am . . . or as I said to B the first time we talked, "strong enough to tame me."
This desire to be led . . . this desire to submit . . . did NOT prepare for how much I would feel like I **need** it now that I've gotten a taste of it. (I know it's a want not a need. . . . but sometimes it's hard to remember that.) I feel like I could constantly beg B for more, more, more. Dominate me more, take me over, invade my space, make me uncomfortable, ignore it if I balk when you tell me to do something, punish me for arguing with you because I'm really just checking to see who's in charge, overrule my decisions, tell me no just because you can, interrupt my routines and change them, etc, etc, etc.
Overwhelming, huh??? I think so. I'd be overwhelmed if I were him. So I tone it down, or I try to, because I have a genuine fear that if he knew the depth of what I desire, he would decide that I'm too much work. It makes me nervous to say that, because I'm not sure how he'll feel about it, but we agreed that this is the place for good and bad feelings. So here's some that aren't so good.
Being long distance doesn't help with the insecurities OR the wanting more. If I could see his eyes, if he could hold me . . . I don't think I'd struggle with doubts the way I sometimes do. Also, how to play out the D/s dynamic is more complicated and more work for him long distance. I know that and I know that we're both trying to figure this out. I'm choosing to be patient for the most part and trying to do it gracefully, but every once in a while (right now for example) the petulant and generally unwelcome "leader" (or undermining, bossy tyrant . . . if you prefer) in me pops her head up and wants to say . . . "If I were in charge around here . . ." or "Why don't you just do this . . ." or any other number of unsubmissive things.
B is a good man and a strong man. He's not perfect and neither am I, but he's leading us well. I guess what I want to come to y'all with is this . . .
Do you ever struggle with feeling "needy"? If so how do you handle it?
Do you ever struggle with wanting to tell him what to do? I think it's called "topping from the bottom." How do you handle that?
And if any of you battle insecurities, do you have any tips for how to set them aside?
Thanks for any advice or wisdom, and just so everyone knows . . . unless there's a problem sometime in the future, I'm happy to take anonymous comments so you don't have to reveal yourself to share here.
Until next time,
His devoted one