Friday, June 7, 2013

Feeling Needy

I promise I'll tell you all about how B and I went from chatting for the first time on a spanking website to where we are now. . .   but today I've got stuff rumbling in my head and I want to get it out.  I'm hoping that y'all may have some wisdom or insight to share, but regardless, I think it will do me good to get it out of my brain and into the blog.

I've never really considered myself to be a very 'needy' person. I am very level-headed, even-tempered, kind of serious but mostly laid back, love to have a good time and enjoy doing pretty much anything, and I'm pretty independent in a lot of ways.  I am not the type to cling to someone.  I want to submit, I'm drawn to submission . . .  but I am perfectly competent on my own.  I've known for a long time that a pre-requisite of any man I might date would be that he would have to be a strong leader . . .  sure of himself.  I knew that even before I considered adding ttwd (or D/s or whatever you want to call it) to the mix.  I'm a pretty darn good leader myself and, while I am so much happier, more peaceful, and more settled if I can relax and follow someone, I won't follow just anyone.  I need to be led by someone who is definitely stronger than I am . . .  or as I said to B the first time we talked, "strong enough to tame me."

This desire to be led . . .  this desire to submit . . .  did NOT prepare for how much I would feel like I **need** it now that I've gotten a taste of it.  (I know it's a want not a need. . . .  but sometimes it's hard to remember that.)  I feel like I could constantly beg B for more, more, more.  Dominate me more, take me over, invade my space, make me uncomfortable, ignore it if I balk when you tell me to do something, punish me for arguing with you because I'm really just checking to see who's in charge,  overrule my decisions, tell me no just because you can, interrupt my routines and change them, etc, etc, etc.

Overwhelming, huh???  I think so.  I'd be overwhelmed if I were him. So I tone it down, or I try to, because I have a genuine fear that if he knew the depth of what I desire, he would decide that I'm too much work.  It makes me nervous to say that, because I'm not sure how he'll feel about it, but we agreed that this is the place for good and bad feelings.  So here's some that aren't so good.

Being long distance doesn't help with the insecurities OR the wanting more. If I could see his eyes, if he could hold me . . . I don't think I'd struggle with doubts the way I sometimes do.  Also, how to play out the D/s dynamic is more complicated and more work for him long distance. I know that and I know that we're both trying to figure this out.  I'm choosing to be patient for the most part and trying to do it gracefully, but every once in a while (right now for example) the petulant and generally unwelcome "leader" (or undermining, bossy tyrant . . . if you prefer) in me pops her head up and wants to say . . .  "If I were in charge around here . . ." or "Why don't you just do this . . ." or any other number of unsubmissive things.

B is a good man and a strong man.  He's not perfect and neither am I, but he's leading us well.  I guess what I want to come to y'all with is this . . .
Do you ever struggle with feeling "needy"?  If so how do you handle it?
Do you ever struggle with wanting to tell him what to do?  I think it's called "topping from the bottom." How do you handle that?
And if any of you battle insecurities, do you have any tips for how to set them aside?

Thanks for any advice or wisdom, and just so everyone knows . . . unless there's a problem sometime in the future, I'm happy to take anonymous comments so you don't have to reveal yourself to share here.

Until next time,
His devoted one


  1. I wish I had some sound advice to give you. I'm sure you will get some...just not from me.

    I struggle, more often than I'd like, with feeling like I am too much for Daddy, like I'm overwhelming him with my need. I too always thought if myself as competent and the level of need disturbs me at times, but I find comfort in it as well.

    We all struggle with insecurities of some sort. Share them with B and let him help you begin to overcome them or at least quiet them. Not only wiki it benefit you, but it will allow B to see how much you trust him to lead and guide you.


    1. Thanks bg . . . B and I have talked about this some and it's been good, I'm glad I was brave enough to post it.

      Also I read through your blog from the start, and I love reading about you and your Daddy.. y'all's dynamic is great and i see alot of similarities between me and my Sir and the two of you.

      I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.


  2. I had...still have that fear, Bekah. Daddy assures me all the time that he thrives on my need for him. I feel needy all the time. He gives me things that I have never had and I hunger for him all the time.

    Sharing with him what you need is not topping from the bottom. They serve us as much as we serve them....the story B had you write about your fantasies? He cannot serve you, cannot fulfill you if he does not know what is on your heart. The same principle applies here.

    Notice I said share. Don't tell him, share your feelings with him. Not - I want..., but what I will say to Ward is - "Daddy I feel_____ and I need your help, please." That presents him with my need but shows him that I will willingly, gratefully and gracefully accept whatever he feels I need to overcome the situation. When you share instead of telling you are not topping, you are requesting.

    I have tons of insecurities, around being too much trouble, not being enough to serve him well, and body image issues - ugh - way too much to share here - this is already to long.... Let me just leave you with this image... Submissives. (From our Pinterest page) You're not alone, sweetie, just breathe, and open your heart to him.


  3. Thank you Baby Girl.. she is my devoted one and this long distance thing has sometimes been rough on the both of us... but we are working it out. This post has given me some insight into her mind and not that I did not understand before.. but it gives a bit deeper understanding into the mind of my devoted one...

    The Bishop ( B )

  4. I don't want to hijack your thread, but I saw this on my tumbler today & it was perfect - from a Dominant's POV, hopefully it will help (I need to read it too....Daddy will read it FOR me, lol).....

    1. Hey June,
      Thanks for sending us to that post. We both read it and alot of it rang true for me and for B as well. We are learning to take what others have experienced and use what works for us and discard what doesn't. More often than not, I find that within one post, some of it will be exactly what I think and other parts I'll think.. oh, no.. i don't think that's what I want or need or whatever.


  5. This doesn't actually answer the questions you asked, but having been in a long distance relationship before being together, I understand how all the longings and desires get very intense. From my experience, when the two of us finally were together for physical visits, that same intensity was in the air but over time, we relaxed, let normal life seep in and it all balanced out some. It's not that those deep needy feelings go away, more that as you really get to know each other, there is a different kind of confidence in leading and following. You'll both be able to relax some because life together just happens and you end up working it out day by day. It is still intense but it is a different kind of intense b/c you start to understand each other's expectations a bit better.

    Bah, does that make any sense at all Bekah?

  6. I think it makes perfect sense, and I'm sooooo glad you're still reading. Wisdom from people who have done the long distance thing is so valuable and I'm grateful for it.


  7. The needy bug bites us ALL sometimes. It's worst in the beginning, and I can imagine that long distance increases it somewhat. These days, I usually just talk to him about it, and we go from there.

    In my personal experience, topping from the bottom becomes less of an issue as time goes by. What has helped me is viewing my submission as being about what he wants and needs, not what I think it should be. Not saying that approach always works, or will be appropriate fro everyone, but it has helped me a lot. Also knowing that he won't tolerate it helps Immensely.

    Insecurities...I gots them bad, most days. The one thing that helps me is really him--his reassurances, and consistent approach. Also just trying to focus on the things that he values about me and the ways that he finds me pleasing helps a bit. Though honestly, I wonder if I'll ever stop struggling with insecurities...

    Anyways, I know that this post is a couple of months old, but I was working my way through, and this one grabbed me!

  8. Thanks lil.. I'm glad you commented, no matter how far past it is and the stuff you said rings true now just as much as it would have when I wrote this. I'm in a place right now where I'm thinking of about what submitting to him means and how **I** need to grow.

    He's gotten better and better about reassuring me. And I've gotten better about not letting the insecurities build and instead sharing them with him as they come up.

    We're growing one step at a time... I'm so glad you found your way here.. I'm looking forward to getting to know you.