Friday, June 28, 2013

Warning... Lots of "Feelings" Below... Proceed with Caution

Well . . . the good news is that I'm pretty sure my apartment is the cleanest it's been since the day I moved in.

The bad news is that B is not in my apartment with me.

The other (maybe) bad news for all of you is that I'm about to start typing and just not stop until I get out everything that's on my mind . . . a stream of consciousness post, yes . . . an angsty post, yes . . . a "healing" post for me, I hope so . . . a fun post that keeps people reading, meh who knows, maybe not . . .

This one is really more for me to spill it all out and have it out of my head, and for B to be able to get maybe a clearer glimpse inside my head than I was able to give him this morning.  Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I'm not really worried about the "audience" with this post but you are certainly more than welcome to take this peek into my head . . . and as always, I love comments so any thoughts from anyone else would be welcomed.  Sometimes people can see clearer from the outside and provide some perspective.

B was coming . . . then things got dicey with some vehicle difficulties and we had a pretty hard conversation Wednesday night.  Then he was maybe still coming, he was going to look into renting a car.  Then he had to work late and was worried about how short the trip would be and was trying to get an extra day off work. I got really really vulnerable.  I think you would call what I did 'begging.'  I told him how much I felt like I needed him to come. How much I needed to know that he would do anything, do crazy things like drive all night just to be with me, even if the trip was short.  He said yes, he called and told me he was headed to get the rental car and would be on his way. We're still managing without him having a cell phone and he rebuffed my concerns about that, said he had my address and was on his way.  I started cleaning.  I had been putting off cleaning . . . I was afraid to believe he was coming so I just didn't do things to get ready.  Stupid?? Yes. But anyway, I started cleaning and doing things around the house and staying busy and getting distracted online and cleaning and made a grocery list, etc. etc, etc.

A little less than 2 hours before he should've been here, I got a call from his house phone. I had a moment of panic that something terrible had happened and one of his family members was calling me, but it was him and he was still where he lives . . . not 2 hours from where I live. A medical emergency with one of his family members stopped him from getting on the road and a cousin's dead cell phone kept him from calling me until he could get back home . . . which was the middle of the night. Add to that, he had not been able to get that extra day off so if he came, he would have gotten here in time for us to have maybe 24 hours, maybe not even that much . . . with 18-20 hours of drive time.

It was the middle of the night last night, I was honestly too tired to even react. He agreed to call me at a certain time today and I crashed.  I woke up this morning and texted all the people who we had plans to do dinner/drinks/ etc with and told them that he wasn't able to come. That's when it hit me and all the emotions that I didn't have the energy for last night came crashing in around me and I cried . . . a lot. I hate crying . . . I don't do it all that often. How quickly I cry when I feel hurt by B is really scary to me.  It shows me the depth of feelings that I've built for him, the way that he's turned my world upside down . . . that kind of vulnerability is kind of terrifying.

What's crazy is that as I typed that . . . I saw his side of it . . . I am able to see the way that this whole thing could be totally understandable and unavoidable and completely not his fault. So what's the problem you ask???  I'm gonna make a list and just get all the fears and worries and doubts off my chest.

  • Long distance is hard. This one is self explanatory. It lends itself to exaggerated doubts and worries.
  • Starting a relationship long distance is even harder. It's harder to build trust and much much easier to break it.
  • There's this build up to cancelling. I never feel like B really just says YES, there's always a condition or an exception in his mind. It makes me feel like he's preparing to cancel and wasn't ever planning to come.
  • There's no way for me to know if he's being honest or not. This goes back to the second one, the whole building trust thing. I'm gonna tangent for a second on this.  I had a fear before that B was stringing me along or was just toying with me. When I get really emotional, this fear pops back up. But when I"m thinking clearly, I don't actually believe this is the case.  I believe that I know enough about him at this point and we have shared enough and he has committed enough time and energy to this that I don't think there's anything malicious behind all of this. What I am afraid of is whether or not he is really ready to give his heart away, whether he is ready to be committed to this and to make me a priority.  Neither one of us were looking for this exactly when we happened upon each other. I am there, I am committed to this. I think he wants to be, he's said he is, but I"m very afraid that he's not.
  • I have learned that I don't handle disappointment well. This roller coaster is exhausting me. This is a weakness of mine that I have discovered. I'm sure there are people out there who could have taken this in stride, but I'm just not one of them. I'm working on figuring out how to deal with that. I actually think being submissive makes this one harder . . . I am more dependent on him then I would be in a "typical" relationship I think, But then, my relationship experience is pretty limited so I'm not sure if that's true.
  • There are other things that he is not doing when he says he is going to. I hate him not having a cell phone. I'm not going to get into the why's or how's or whatever because that's not the point. We have learned to function pretty well without him having one and I've worked on not nagging him about it, and it's not that I'm wanting to demand that he get one but the problem is that he has told me several times that it's going to be taken care of and then it doesn't happen. When a pattern builds in any area where he consistently says something is going to happen and it doesn't, it turns into a question of whether or not I can trust him at his word . . . refer to bullet number two. When that question is introduced it starts to bleed over and color everything else.
  • If I get upset or start melting down, he tends to withdraw. I believe strongly that this is a lot because of the long distance thing. I think if he could get a hold of me physically and reassure me or soothe my doubts he would, but doing it through the phone or chat is way more complicated. He is a red-blooded American man and "feelings talk" is not so simple for him, so if my feelings start just spilling out all over the place, I think he kind of "ducks and covers."  Two bad things happen with this, first I interpret this as not caring or as it not being important to him that I'm upset. I don't think that's true, I think it's a difference in communication styles and we are already making strides in figuring this one out. The second is that within the whole D/s thing it completely throws us off balance. It's like too much "girlfriend", not enough "submissive." I realized that today. I feel very adrift right now.  I hadn't put this together until a couple hours ago, but I think, if we're going to weather the stress of long distance and make this work, I'm going to need him to MORE Dominant when I'm "spilling emotions all over the place", not less Dominant.
Okay . . . that was a lot . . . if you're still reading you must be really invested in following our journey . . . thanks for caring.

The end of the story is this . . . I offered him an ultimatum of sorts.  When it comes right down to it . . . I want to be his, I love being his, I can picture a future with him and I don't want to give up on that. He's told me very clearly that he wants those things too. (Maybe in a future post I'll put up some of my favorite things he's ever said to me while we were chatting. I wanna get his permission first though because I'm not sure if that's too personal.)  I couldn't end things over this . . . I just couldn't . . . the idea of doing that made me want to curl up in a ball and sob.  On the other hand, I can't stay strapped into this roller coaster for a whole lot longer . . . I'm needing a more smooth ride. I'm not talking about a lazy river here, relationships are hard work . . . I 'm not looking for an easy way out. It's just been really intense for the past few weeks.

I need a time frame on this.  So . . . two weeks.  Plenty of time to ask off work, rent a car if needed, plan everything out so there's no last minute issues, etc. I told him, calmly and with tears in my voice, that if he isn't here weekend after next, I'm getting off the ride.  Thinking about that makes me want to throw up . . . I don't want that too happen, but we have to start moving forward. I need evidence that this is a priority for him and that he is ready to move forward with me.

Okay the real end of the story is this . . . I think offering that ultimatum was the right thing to do . . . I don't know for sure . . . it feels crappy but I think it's a good call.  One of the things I said to him this morning is that if he wants us to be together and he agrees that he can be here in two weeks, then I want us to move forward as "us" . . . I don't want this weekend being cancelled and the worries and fears and doubts hanging over our heads and dominating our conversations for the next two weeks.  I realized when I was thinking later, that the reason I was worried about this is because making "demands" and "insisting" on things made me feel so **not** submissive that it left me feeling very adrift and all on my own.  Is this the way women who aren't submissive to the men in their lives feel all the time?? 

(I want to feel like this . . .
B's favorite pic, I think)

(And I want to feel like this . . .
my favorite pic)

So, I'm gonna ask him if he can balance us back out . . . I don't know exactly what that looks like, and really what it looks like is not up to me . . . as much as sometimes I like to sass that I'm in charge around here, I know I'm not and I don't want to be. My part of it is that I need to make sure he knows that he doesn't have to ask or be tentative . . . for as long as we are on this journey together I am His, period . . . my submission isn't conditional to things being easy in the moment.  
I just know I need to feel his dominance somehow, I need to feel like "his" . . . to reset us and get us back to normal as we move forward.  If any of you have any ideas or suggestions about that, I know there's at least one Dom reading . . . B reads the comments so you can address ideas or thoughts or suggestions or encouragement to him as well.  I'm hoping he'll comment about this and offer all of you his take on it or even do a post of his own, but once again I'm not in charge around here and that's up to him.

I'll post something fun tomorrow . . .  promise . . . I think I'm gonna post a dream I had and then typed up as a story and sent to B.

Until then,
His devoted one

P.S. Spilling it helps . . .I feel better just after typing and proofing this . . . and it's hard to talk to friends, because being submissive to B bleeds into all of it, so even if they have good advice they don't really really really **get** it . . . I'm glad I have this place where I can spill all of it.


  1. I'm so sorry Bekah. Daddy and I are not in a new, long distance relationship and there are parts of this I could have written myself. Daddy and I have struggled with him withdrawing from me at times. I too need his Dominance more when I am struggling. I hope that by reading your words here, he can understand you better and what you need from him.

    As far as the ultimatum... well that is a very personal decision. Only you know what is best for you. Only you know if you can continue the way things are. I have withdrawn consent, for a short time, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but it was necessary for my own well-being (not that Daddy would ever harm me...just that emotionally I was a wreck and couldn't take anymore).

    I again, have no great wisdom to impart, but offer understanding and hope that you two will find a way to move forward.

    BIG BIG (((hugs)))
    bg (P Surren)

    1. Thanks bg

      Writing this post made me realize things about myself too that I need to work on. I was able to step back and see how I've let a couple of fears overwhelm me instead of remembering how happy B makes me. And how when I get caught up in the fears I tend to wrestle B for the reins and this hurts us... He and I haven't talked in detail about the post yet but he said we will... He wanted to read it through a couple of times to make sure he had it all.

      I'm hoping for us too... And thankful to have you in our corner.

      (( hugs))

  2. I think you did what's right on the ultimatum. Just from an outside perspective, it sounds like he's making excuses and stories up (and I know he reads this, but I think it's important that he knows that's what he sounds like).

    I mentioned before that I've BEEN in one of these relationships where I was totally invested and he kept putting me off - to the point that he literally kept us all waiting around all day for him after a bunch of us had traveled a mere HOUR from his home.

    Then I got in the relationship I'm in now and the difference was night and DAY. I felt valued, cared for, cherished, like he literally could not ever WAIT to be physically in my presence - and each time he left it wrenched him as badly - if not worse than - it did me.

    You deserve that, and you're not wrong for feeling like you can't trust him when he keeps lying to you. That sounds harsh, but it's what he is doing when he says one thing and does another - over and over and over and over. Anyone can have a series of unfortunate events befall them, but it does sound fishy.

    1. Hey Conina

      I've read your post about how awful that first long distance relationship was for you so I understand why you would want to caution people... And I want to be clear that my tendency tends to be over cautiousness... Trusting long distance is definitely the area where I am needing to grow.. Maybe the most. I am realizing that my fear of being hurt is making me worry more than I need to and it's hurting us. .. I need to get better at taking risks and enjoying us... Because he is making me very happy. I'm hoping that he will be more careful with his words and not casually say something is going to be taken care of if its not (not with visiting... That's different).

      But what I really want to say is... Having read your post the biggest thing I can see are the differences. I don't struggle at all with worrying that B is with anyone else... I can't even fathom how he could spend the time he does talking to me and sustain another relationship. He's online when he says he will be almost always... He hasn't left me waiting online anymore than I have him and even then it's only been for a short time or one of us will start calling the other. I've seen his pic. He sent me one and we're facebook friends. I've posted on his wall and that was fine so he's not embarrassed for others to know about me. I've talked to one of his cousins and actually I've talked briefly on the phone with his mom.. B had told me before that she knew about me so I just identified myself as the woman he is talking to and that was fine. And the biggest thing is that it has been less than 4 months, not 2 years... I'm not willing to do this for years.. He and I are both too old for that and that's something we've talked about.

      I don't know that I've ever said all those things in the blog and it's possible that my angst has portrayed B more negatively than he deserves. But I think it's also possible that you would be quick to jump to the conclusion that he's making up stories and excuses because you know what it is to be hurt by the long distance thing and you want to caution others against it.

      That's okay and I want to hear other's perspectives but on this one I would ask you to read the post again because I think there were pretty definitely things that I need to work on and things that he could maybe do differently... But I don't think the evidence is there to label this a nightmare long distance relationship where he's just playing games.

      Anyway... I know that was a post in and of itself but I wanted to respond completely.


    2. I wasn't trying to label it a nightmare long distance relationship, at all. I'm sorry if it seemed that way - I also didn't mean to imply he's playing games. It's just easy to carelessly say you'll do something and then forget - over and over and over.

      I was also careful to say that it sounded like stories and excuses from my perspective, which is clearly not the same one you have.

      I appreciate the time you took to respond so thoroughly. Thank you. :) I'm very glad to know you're so happy and well-taken care of generally.

    3. Hey Conina,

      I'm gonna respond to what you said to both of us.. just so I don't confuse you.

      You're right.. you didn't say that it was a nightmare long distance relationship.. I think I read that into it.. which probably wasn't fair. It's tricky communicating this way when we don't know each other and I have to remember to take the comments at face value and not read anything more into them than what they are.

      B and I talked some about all of this . . . and I think I understand what you mean about it sounding like excuses because that is one of my fears as well.. not that he's being dishonest, but a fear that he's not really ready to dive head first into this. We're working on that.

      Also my post was really raw with emotion.. in a lot of ways I used the post to work through the bigness of emotions I was feeling and be able to see the whole thing with clearer eyes. I think it's natural for women to jump to each other's defense and I'm actually touched by your desire to respond to "the heartbreak you were reading" (I liked that wording.. it rang true to me).

      I will say.. just to be completely transparent, that I felt like your initial response was a little harsh and maybe a little accusatory. I think because B and I both read it that way . . . and we're still working our way to the other side of this particular difficult moment . . . it got a big reaction.

      BUT... you and your husband are a success story. You started online.. made it through long distance stuff.. and you're happily married. I don't think you're a troll . . . I think you're someone who will make B and I think . . . I think we may very well bump heads again in the future and I think that's okay as long as we keep it civil. . . I think you'll have valuable advice or encouragement as we continue on this journey . . . and I really don't want you to make yourself scarce.

      So if you'd like to stick around.. we'd love to have you.


      P.S. I'm working my way slowly through your blog.. and enjoying reading about your journey as well.

  3. Canina B, I do appreciate your situation and the fact that yes, I HAVE BEEN FOLLOWED BY A STRING OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS IS THE DAMNED HONEST TRUTH. A DEATH IN THE FAMILY, A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER (THE BROTHER I NEVER HAD) ABOUT 6 YEARS YOUNGER THAN MYSELF, SUFFERING WHAT COULD HAVE POSSIBLY BEEN A HEART ATTACK, ONLY TO DISCOVER AFTER NEARLY SEVEN HOURS IN THE HOSPITAL THAT IT WAS SOMETHING NO WHERE NEAR HEART PROBLEMS. And for your information his sister offered to talk to Bekah and confirm what had happened. so your basically accusing me of lying? try again... In case you have not figured out yet, i am in a rather large close knit family, and yes there are quite a few members in my family that suffer health problems. Heart disease runs rampant among the men in my family, neuropathy is another problem among my family. So before you speak in judgement of me.. maybe you should ask to know what series of unfortunate events can befall a man.

    The Bishop ( B )

    1. There are things a person cannot help, and things a person can help. Believe me, I carefully considered even writing this at all because I figured it would get me shouted at/considered persona non grata. I didn't accuse you of lying about the unfortunate events, I said it's lying when you say one thing and do another. (about the things you can help)

      I know that things happen. - in a couple of months my friend burned down our barn, my house was broken into, my other friend's mom's house caught fire THREE times and eventually burned down - and my friend killed himself. I also know sometimes people just keep putting other people off for reasons - even valid reasons - because they're afraid.

      I apologize for offending you, and I'm very sorry about the medical situation, but I won't apologize for responding to the heartbreak I was reading. I'll make myself scarce now because I never meant to stir the pot or be a troll.

  4. Bekah,
    I'm reading multiple posts at once and am so sorry that you went through this. Like Conina, my first reaction was huge concern and I don't think she was being critical at all--just expressing concern for you. You have so fully given yourself to a man who you haven't met. I remember long distance and it was so hard but I also didn't give myself over like this. It makes a woman very vulnerable. It really does sound like the two of you have worked through it as well as you can and I hope that you will find a way to meet each other very, very soon.

    We all bring old stuff to relationship. When we fall in love we tend to put it to the side but I would really, seriously encourage both of you to have the hard conversations and be very honest with each other. MM and I made the mistake of not working that stuff out till after we were married and it caused us a lot of pain.

    1. Thanks Susie... And I hear what you're saying. I have also worried that I let myself fall too hard too fast but I don't know how to not just keep falling for him when we talk so much and have spent the past three and a half months talking and talking and talking. I agree that there is a ton of vulnerability in this and I know that in spite of my concerns I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet and I'm hoping that he will show me he is worthy of the trust I've given him. I believe that he will and I'm hoping that us meeting is going to happen really really soon too. We are talking about the hard stuff and the easy stuff... I think we've struck a good balance there.