Monday, June 17, 2013

Two roads diverged in a wood . . .

Two roads diverged in a wood  . . . . . . .

Well, I told you when I started my story that the rest was history . . . and then made a promise to tell it . . . so finally, here it is.

I was on a chat website and B private messaged me.   I was just on there to blow off steam, I was frustrated and struggling some with figuring out what I wanted and how in the world I could go about finding it, but then he messaged me.  Neither of us remembers exactly what we talked about that first conversation.  I remember asking challenging him as to whether or not he was "man enough" to tame me.  I was just being a brat, but his response was so quick.  He said he'd handcuff me to the bed and take a belt to me if that's what was needed . . .  and the submissive inside me peeked her head around and took notice.
(just peeking . . . checking things out . . . not wanting to get hurt)

We kept talking that night and agreed that . . . maybe . . . we'd talk again sometime.  If I remember right I deliberately didn't get on the next night, I didn't want to seem desperate, and I was a little afraid of how easily we'd connected.  I got on the next night and saw he was on . . . okay, I was looking for him . . . but you knew that already, huh?  Well, within seconds of me being on he messaged me and we started talking again.  We've talked in some way, shape or form every night sense then.

We realized that we share the same faith and some of the same interests. We were both raised in the same general part of the country, although pretty far away from each other, but this was nice because it effects culture, mannerisms, etc. 

 He started giving me assignments most nights for a while at the beginning. Little things. Like think of three questions to ask me, or research the Marquis de Sade, or count your panties and tell me how many and what colors.  Things like that.  I love assignments, I wish he would do them more now.  Mostly, I love anything that makes us feel connected, that makes me *feel* like I'm His. 

We talked and talked and talked, about everything. About family and our childhoods, and past relationships, favorite colors and movies, our hopes and dreams.  And we played, did some role-playing and stuff, spent some time getting to know each other's preferences, learning each other's kink.

Eventually we did the facebook thing and I was soooo nervous. I'm not a runway model by any stretch of the imagination and I struggle with self-image. But he liked what he saw and so did I.  

I remember one of the scariest conversations we had at the beginning. I was afraid that he was just looking for a submissive and I knew that being someone's submissive was not all I wanted. I liked him, but I needed to know if he was just looking for someone to play with or if his goal at the end of this was to have a wife. The reason this was so important to me was because I was not interested in getting tangled up in someone again who's end goal wasn't the same as mine, or with someone who didn't have his heart to give. He told me that what he wants is what his grandparents had . . . which is over 50 years of marriage and a full life of happiness and real commitment to each other. 

I relaxed and decided that maybe we could make a go of this.

I don't think I'll ever forget the first text I got from him.  I had it saved, but my phone decided it hated me so now everything in that phone is lost forever. We were ready to be talking on the phone but then his phone was broken so we had to wait. It felt like the wait was forever. But then one day I got a text from him . . . so simple . . . so "Him" . . . it just said, "Good morning sunshine."  And I melted. I went into a really stressful meeting right after that and one of my co-workers leaned over at one point and whispered to me, "Isn't this pissing you off???" I responded by shrugging my shoulders, continuing my doodling, maintaining the stupid grin on my face, and saying "He texted me..."

I feel like I don't know where to go from there. I love being His. It's not always easy.  We've struggled some. It's been nearly three months. Everything was planned for us to meet at the two month mark and then, because of circumstances entirely out of his control, B had to cancel.  It was really hard for me, I was sooooo disappointed but we moved forward. We had a hiccup recently, it was pretty difficult but we talked it out and I think we're moving forward.  

I'm having a hard time today.  It's not all him.  I have some stuff going on with my family and we're in the middle of a health scare that is requiring surgery for someone I'm very close to. Father's Day is hard for me. My dad died about four and a half years ago and on days like yesterday I miss him terribly. Things are kinda tough at work right now.  I'm pretty sure I'm pms'ing.  

In the midst of all of that, B is supposed to be coming this weekend but he hasn't confirmed it with me yet.  A big part of me is trying to somehow prepare for him cancelling.  I'm still battling a lot of fears that I'll be hurt, that this is more important to me than it is to him, that it's just a game to him.  He's told me that's not true, but some days it's still hard.  He is the king of phone troubles so we've been doing this without him having a cell phone for a few weeks and it's really hard not to be able to be reassured during the day that I matter to him, that he's thinking about me, that I'm a priority.  Then I think to myself that I'm being ridiculous and needy and he's probably just going to write me off . . . which does nothing to help with all the other fears. He's probably going to be frustrated when he reads this, but honestly . . . my phone works and I've been not scheduling anything on the weekend for three weeks waiting for him to work out a way to get here . . . so if he doesn't want me to be so afraid he's going to have to do something to make me not feel so afraid. 

I can't believe I just typed that . . . but I'm going to leave it because it's honest.

This post ended up not being at all what I wanted it to be.  I've read where other people say that's happened to them but this is the first time I've experienced it.

Here's what I want to say to close . . .

I love being His. I decided to do this post tonight, talking about how we found each other, in an effort to focus on how much I love being His.  It did that for me, but I don't know if anyone else will get that.  Today, I'm feeling kind of negative in my head, but in writing this I can see that it's rooted in fear. I'm afraid of him not coming, I'm afraid that if he doesn't come that will mean that he doesn't really care about me and that this isn't "real."  But I only have those fears because I love being His. If I didn't, I wouldn't be working this hard, I wouldn't be trying to figure it out. 

As soon as he tells me tonight that he's definitely coming (please please please let him tell me tonight that he's definitely coming), I'll be able to breathe again, at least a little . . . I'll breathe for real when he gets here.  This long distance thing, mixed up with D/s is complicated . . . it's definitely the road less traveled . . . but I can see the potential of forever in him . . . and I'm hoping that being willing to travel this road with him will make all the difference.
Until next time,
His devoted one


  1. Aww, i'm going to be hoping with you, that he is able to confirm his trip to visit you! It seems that although it could be a bumpy road, all those things will make it that much more worth it, when it finally happens. I can't wait to read about what happens when you two meet. :)

    1. Hey Kenzie,

      Thanks for hoping with me . . . I'm still waiting to hear for sure. He was really good to me last night though so I'm a little less angsty today than I was yesterday.

      And I can't wait to tell about what happens when we meet . . . . .


      PS-I love your blog!!! I just finished reading it through and I'm excited to keep getting to know you.

  2. I know that you said he is having phone troubles and I can only imagine the toll that takes on your psyche, not having that reassurance when you need it. Have you talked to him about all of this. I know that my advice always seems to be "talk to him", but he is the only one who can clarify and put to rest your fears.

    I am crossing my fingers with you that he is able to visit this weekend. I hope that this meeting will help you to feel more secure about the future.

    big big (((hugs)))

    1. Hey bg,

      "Talk to him" is good advice and he is the only one who can "fix" it . . . I know that.

      We chat online and talk on the phone every night. It's his cell phone that is the problem so we don't talk during the day. So if I'm struggling at all, like yesterday, it gives me alllll day to get worked up before he can settle me back down. I'm trying harder not to do that to myself but some days it's hard.

      We talked last night and it was good, really good. He shared some feelings . . . which isn't always easy for him, but it went a long way toward reassuring me.

      I'm trying to get him to comment, or even do a post . . . (hint, hint Sir).

      I think meeting in person will go a looooong way toward making me feel more settled and confident . . . I can't wait!!

      *accepting your big big ((hugs)) and hugging you back*

  3. What is the source of his phone troubles?

    I can well imagine how you're feeling. I had a long-distance boyfriend for years who somehow just never managed to send me a photo (digital cameras weren't ubiquitous then but he could have gotten one scanned at an office store), and then when I finally did scrape the funds together to meet him ... he overslept and left the bunch of us waiting for him half a day in a hotel lobby.

    What a horrible feeling. And talking to him didn't actually do any good. He was pretty much scum, but I adored him. So glad that relationship failed to make way for the one I'm in now.

    Here's hoping these issues get resolved. My mom is currently having some major cell phone issues too - some people have weird body chemistry I think.

  4. Hey Conina,

    Sorry it took me so long to respond to you . . . I haven't really been online in a few days. I believe that B and I will find our way. Long distance is challenging, but we're trying to figure it out, one day at a time!!