A Long and Winding Path

Well... I figure I'll continue my introduction by sharing, very briefly, how I found my way to where I am now. It was a long road, with quite a few detours and u-turns. I'm pretty sure I turned the wrong way on a one way at least a handful of times. Sometimes I poked along well below the speed limit, riding my brakes and other times I slammed on the gas and came dangerously close to a few head on collisions. (Thinking about it that way... I'm lucky I didn't have a dominant man in my life... can you imagine the state of my backside if I actually did all those dangerous things???)

I've had a thing for spanking for as long as I can remember. I don't know why. I've wasted a lot of time and effort trying to figure out why and have finally given up on that pursuit. What I know is that by the time I was able to be turned on by things... spanking turned me on. It has been part of pretty much every fantasy I've had since puberty, or if there wasn't spanking directly in the fantasy, the man in the fantasy was always ridiculously dominant.

Then I went to college and got my own computer... and... well.... I'm just gonna say that unhindered internet access opened my eyes to a lot of things, things I don't think I ever would have fathomed on my own.  I realized for the first time that I wasn't the only person in the world interested in these things. I struggled a lot with guilt for a long time over all of this and that circle of exploring and then feeling guilty or ashamed and then starting over and going round and round played itself out for a long time.

I'm gonna skip ahead a bunch to the past couple of years. I discovered blogs!!!

The first blog I ever read was Christopher and ella's. I happened upon it by accident, I was on SpankingTube and  watched one of their videos (I'm blushing... I don't know why I'm afraid of being judged on an anonymous blog... I'm ridiculous) and it had a link to their blog. I clicked over and started reading about them and a whole new world was opened up to me.

From there I read Stormy and Mick and Susie. I read bits and pieces of a handful of others and I discovered that real people, good people were living this life that I'd fantasized about. Of course, none of it was an exact match, because fantasy isn't reality, but there were husbands who were strong leaders, with women submitting to them and there was spanking.... I was in awe.

I was more attracted to the DD side of things at that point because it reflected whole lives, with people committed and married to each other. There is a wholeness about it that drew me in. One thing I noticed was that the people I was reading about seemed to have the discipline or the "kink" but not both. I was a little dismayed because I wanted both. I wanted a man I could follow and submit to, who would keep me in line AND I wanted the kinky sex. And I wanted all of it in a real relationship that could be forever, not just play. I know.... pie in the sky sort of hopes.

At the end of last year, I got restless with reading about other people's lives and I decided that getting all of it was maybe impossible and that I would settle to just try out the "spanking/submissive" thing through play. I feel like I should explain that, while other people do this and it works for them, I had never even considered it. I'm too hardwired to want the whole package, so even as I started to explore the idea, I think I knew I wouldn't be happy to settle. I got in touch with someone who is well known as a disciplinarian. We emailed and then I panicked and didn't email him for like three months. Then I emailed him again, but I found 'B' before anything ever came of that. I discovered a chat room that was spanking themed, so to speak, and started messing around some on there. That was..... eye opening. There are some very very very interesting people in this world.

I started talking to a man that I'll refer to as "T." There are so many reasons why getting as attached as I did to "T" was probably not a good idea. He fed the submissive in me, we chatted through some really intense role-plays, and he slowly got tangled into my life, taking me over in a lot of ways, little by little.  Buuuutttt... he was too old for me, not neccesarily emotionally available, I was dishonest about couple things from the beginning, there was never a chance of us having a future.... it was just play, well... play that felt like a lot more than play. I met him once and honestly right after that things started dwindling. I think meeting reinforced for me at least, that this wasn't going to be permanent and things started happening in his life that made him less and less available. He was using me.... and I was using him. The difference, I think, is that I knew it and I'm not sure he would have thought about it that way. As things were dwindling with "T", I was picking up the pieces and got back on the chat site, honestly mostly just to blow off steam. If only I'd known.....

I signed into the chat room on March 22, 2013, expecting nothing and 'B' messaged me. My username encouraged people to spank me... (blushing again).... so he said something about that. I believe I asked him if he was man enough to tame me. He responded that if I were his, he would just cuff me to a bed and take a belt to me if he needed to.....

And the Rest is History.....

(but I'll tell you about it... just later... in a Part 2)

Until then,

His Devoted One