Monday, August 26, 2013

An Ending . . .

Soooooo . . . This would be the one post I didn't ever want to need to put up here. Lots of posts aren't easy but they're part of it, so posting them is reflective and part of blogging. For example:

  1. I broke the rules and got myself in trouble . . . Part of the journey.
  2. I defied him and we had to recover from it . . . Progress.
  3. We argued and he disappointed or upset me and we worked through it . . . Part of the work of relationships.
  4. Whining or ranting posts about wanting more and needing him . . . Part of learning to live in this dynamic and a natural consequence of long distance.

I ended things with B this weekend . . . Yeah . . . I didn't want to have to post that.


But I did, and it's been kind of awful.  I'm really sad and my heart is hurting and I miss him terribly.  I believe that it was the right thing to do but that doesn't change that I feel pretty miserable right now.

I'm not going to go into assigning blame or explaining the in's and out's of it here because I think a blog is an inappropriate place to do that and because I have no idea if he'll keep reading and I do care about not being hurtful.

I'm feeling pretty adrift right now, maybe I'm being egocentric but I think that break-ups might be harder on a submissive woman than on other women.  I just feel . . . I don't know, a little lost I guess, maybe.

I'll figure it out, and the overwhelming feelings will pass, I suppose.

I don't want to depress everyone, but I felt like I needed to post something about it.

 I like blogging and I don't think I'll stop, although I'm not sure exactly what I'll blog about now. I also really love the little community I'm beginning to feel a part of and so I'll be reading your blogs . . . although to be honest, I may not read for few more days because reading about people in relationships that are working makes me kinda emotional right now.

Anyway, I think that's all the moping I'll do here for now.

Until next time,
Bekah Jane

14 comments:

  1. Sorry things have not worked out for you. Long distance relationships are tough, my own failed. I can understand you need to be away from here. I hope you will come back, it doesn't matter what you write about, it is your place, nobody elses.
    Hugs
    DF

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    Replies
    1. Thanks DF, and I don't think I'll actually go anywhere, just maybe not keep up quite as closely with some of your blogs for just a little bit.

      I can't imagine stopping writing now, it's been amazing to be able to just come to the blog and spill things out and then step back and look at it a day later and think to myself, "Oh . . . that's what I was thinking/feeling . . . hmmmmmm"

      hugs,
      Bekah

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  2. I'm real sorry Bekah but know that you would not have made this decision lightly. There are some hard days ahead. I'll be thinking about you. Please keep writing about whatever you want to and continue getting to know all of us. I know I'm not always around to read but whenever I am, I'll pop by and say hi.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right, I definitely didn't make the decision lightly, it was painful and heart wrenching . . . if I'm honest, it still is. It's hard and I've wanted to pick up the phone to txt or call him so many times. . . Ughhh. . . Thanks for thinking about me, I know it will get easier, although knowing that doesn't really help the "feelings" right now . . .

      Bekah

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear that things took the turn they did for the two of you. Long distance can be really difficult. Take your time and grieve and then hold your chin up and move on down the road. As I commented on his blog, I hope you won't let this deter you from who you are and what you want from this lifestyle. I look forward to your continued blogging when you're ready and seeing you move forward.

    DV

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    Replies
    1. A vanilla friend of mine reminded me that this is a form of grieving . . . and I know it will pass, but yes Sir . . . I'm trying to be patient with myself and my chin is up, even if it is a little quivery right now.

      I'm a little at a loss as to how to go about seeking what I want, maybe I'll blog about that another day, but I know that I'm pretty sure being submissive is an integral part of who I am, and how I will be able to be happy in a relationship. Time will tell.

      Thanks for the support DV, I really appreciate it.

      Bekah

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  4. Soumise ClandestineAugust 27, 2013 at 4:48 PM

    Oh bekah,

    I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry for you, both of you actually.
    You're probably right, it's harder for submissive women because we give more than the others in a way.
    Take your time to recover. You have learnt things about yourself in this journey, that is important, but it's not the time to think about it. Grieving your relationship is what you need to do now. You have my e-mail if you need to talk with a little frog (ok ok, big big froggy!!).
    Take your time,
    you'll be in my thoughts
    Take care
    Grosses bises
    SC

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    Replies
    1. I'll probably do a post eventually about what makes it harder for submissive women. . . I don't know that we give more, but we certainly give differently . . . and i think the differences make it feel more jarring when a relationship ends.

      Thanks for the support SC . . . I really appreciate it.

      hugs,
      Bekah

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  5. I'm sorry that things didn't work the way you had hoped. But I applaud that you were able to protect yourself when things didn't feel right. For what it's worth, I believe you are right, I do believe it is more difficult for submissive women.

    I wish you peace and send you hugs,

    <3
    cd

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    Replies
    1. That's actually one of the things I told B in our last conversation, that I couldn't keep letting myself be taken to a place where I felt the way I was feeling, and I didn't think he was in a place where he would stop doing the things that made me feel that way. Being submissive, but still being responsible to protect your own heart is complicated and tricky.

      I've been thinking a lot about what makes it harder for submissive women, I may try to post on that sometime, it's rolling around in my head, so I'll have to get it out eventually.

      Thank you cd.

      hugs,
      Bekah

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  6. Replies
    1. Thanks Conina, I just read your newest post and it made me tear up. . . because I think it's sooooo true . . . and my emotions are very close to the surface right now.

      I know you've been busy, but I'm glad to see you back.

      Bekah

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  7. Aww Bekah. I havent been able to check blogs lately, but I just saw this and im so sorry. :( I know that must have been so hard. Youre right, as submissive women we tend to take things harder. Itll be rough for a bit, but you will get through it. Youre an absolute sweetheart from what ive gotten to know through our blogging corresponding..if you need to tall to someone, you know how to reach me. :)

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  8. Thanks Kenzie... It has been a tough week.. And I got your email too.. I appreciate the support so much.

    Bekah

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