The Origins of Submission

First of all . . . Peeking my head out and waving a little shyly. . . Hi. . . I'm still here.

(I know it's a guy . . . but if you imagine it's a girl, the pic is perfect . . . lol)

My life got a little crazy and I was figuring out some stuff with B and working through some things in my own head and I needed to do it in my brain and not here.  I don't know that I have a whole lot to share about that in blog land right this moment but I do want to get back on the horse and start posting again.

I feel a little shy about it. . . Like maybe people won't like me anymore because I disappeared for a little bit... And I'm sorry I stopped commenting on all of your blogs. . . But I was reading and I'll start commenting again.  Promise.

Pinky promise even . . .

I've been thinking lately about what made me submissive.  I've gone down the road before of thinking about why I like spanking/pain but that was fruitless and very very frustrating for me.  I don't think there is a reason for that... I just do.

But what makes a person submissive???

 I don't know if I have the answer, but I do know that I can see it in myself all the way back to when I was a really little girl.

One of my uncle's was very authoritative and he was so attentive to his kids and, let me tell you something, his kids didn't get away with ANYTHING.  I had wonderful parents, nurturing and loving and strict in their own way and pretty much awesome. But as a kid I remember wishing that my dad was more like this uncle.

When I got a little older and I was paying attention to relationships, I knew that a couple of my uncle's led their families. It was faith based for them and they were definitely the heads of their households. They adore their wives but they most definitely wear the pants in their homes.  Once again, my parents loved each other deeply and in his own way, my dad led our family but when I thought about the kind of man I wanted to marry, I knew then that I wanted to marry a man who would lead me the way my uncles led my aunts.  I even journaled about it.  ( As a note, I have no idea if my uncles spank my aunts and I don't want to know . . . because that's weird . . . but if I'm honest, it wouldn't surprise me.)

Bahahahahaha . . .  NOT like this . . .

Around the same time, a man at my church (we'll call him Steve) took me under his wing. Once again, Steve was definitely wearing the pants in his home and I looked to him and grew very close to he and his family. He was like another dad to me. . . didn't replace my dad, but filled a different need than my parents.  When I was acting a fool in college Steve was the one I told, even before I was really ready to give up the stupid stuff I was doing and start living right . . . I knew I needed someone to keep a hold of me and make sure I didn't go too far.  He and I are still very close and since my dad's death he has filled in the gaps where he could.

B and I actually had a 'moment' about him . . .  Steve, of course, is anxious to meet the man who has captured my attention and I told B about him and that we would have to set up that meeting eventually.  B acted a tiny little bit nervous about that and I told him jokingly that I might defy him every once in a while but I don't defy Steve.  B got all dominant... It was kinda cute hot . . .  But I told him he was just mad cause there was a man in my life with a higher level of authority than he has. . . . That helped a lot just got me into hotter water . . .

"Come on in . . .the water's fine . . ."

I have always been drawn to guys, even just guy friends, with stronger personalities than I have.  As I've said before on here... I'm a pretty darn good leader myself, so if I can't settle in and follow I tend to grab for the reins . . . but I don't WANT to lead.  I am so much happier and more settled if I can slide one step behind someone and follow.  Not that I always do it gracefully ( just ask B) but I'm drawn to strong leaders.

In my jobs I have found that I am the happiest if I have a strong supervisor, male or female, so that I can fall in line and just do my job without worrying about needing to be in charge. In my personal life I always seem to have at least one guy friend who is definitely stronger than I am so that on those days when I just want to pick a fight, I have someone who will definitely win.  Because I definitely don't want to win. . . I just want to be reined in . . . ( y'all know what I mean by that right?)

So for me, I can see it all through my life.  This underlying desire to be able to submit to others.  Not to be a doormat . . . I've got all kinds of spunk (just ask B) and I want to be an active participant in this thing . . . passivity doesn't suit me . . . but I don't want to lead us. I want to be able to tuck in behind someone stronger than I am and lend them my strength and draw on theirs.

(I like this image . . . look how strong his hand looks . . . 

he's definitely got her . . . but she's holding on tight too . . .)

I don't know if I explained that well, it's just been rolling around in my brain for awhile so I figured I'd try to articulate it.  So tell me . . . does it make sense??  Can you relate?? Is there anyone else who just kind of was "always" submissive, even if you didn't know that's what it was for a long time??

I'm feeling curious.

Until next time (and it won't be forever this time . . .),
His devoted one