Out of Sorts

I'm in a mood tonight . . . well really I've been in a mood for most of the day.  Not a good mood . . . More like this sort of mood . . .

(That pic may get me in trouble . . . We'll see I suppose)

Do any of you ever just wake up like that . . . ready to tear someone's head off, or maybe burst into tears if anyone looks at you wrong, definitely ready to sass your Dom at the very first opportunity, but really just wanting to feel safe and protected and held onto.  Oh . . . and NOT wanting to give into being held onto, wanting to kick and fuss and pout and stomp your foot and mouth off instead. . . Anybody??? Please tell me I'm not the only one who has these days . . .

I think if I had to sum it up in one phrase it would be this one . . .

Oh yeah, and then in the midst of wanting to be a complete brat there's also the fear that I'll be too much and he won't want me anymore.  Just to be clear, B has done NOTHING to make me feel that way . . . that's just my insecurity talking.

I swear on days like today I feel like I should be required to wear a warning label . . .

But then again that's just a challenge . . . and Dominant men often like the challenge huh??  Well that just makes me want to wear it more . . . Hmpphh. . . .

What's causing my mood you ask??? Well, I'll tell you . . . I have no idea.  I know that it's partly hormones and partly work chaos and partly that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and had weird dreams last night.  I know how to self-correct, I'm not generally a bitch when I feel like this, I can usually hang onto myself for the most part.

I believe that. I don't want to be controlled by my mood.  I would lose respect for B if he just let me walk all over him because I was in a bad mood. But oh my goodness. . . I'm not sure if I'll be able to hang onto remembering that all night tonight.

Nights like tonight are on the top 10 list of when being long distance really really really really sucks.  It would be so much easier if he could just do this . . .

As much as I will probably not be easily reined in tonight I know that's what I need . . . even if right this second I'm pouting at my computer screen just thinking about it.  And the long distance thing means he'll have to get creative, and it make me feel like a chore and like I'm a bother to him.  That make me want to fake it and pretend that I'm fine and be sweet and submissive.  But that's not honest.  I just wish he could snatch me up so I could **feel** his dominance.  Ughhh . . .

And you know what I'm most annoyed about???  I'm in the "not really quitting smoking, but making sure that I don't start smoking more" phase of quitting smoking.  So the rule is 4 cigarettes a day.  I actually basically made the rule, B's helping me with it, holding me to it.  Yesterday I had five.  So being the fair and balanced tyrant leader that he is, he didn't even punish me (which shocked me), he just said I could only have three today . . . to balance it out.  Well I don't WANT to have only three, I don't even want to have only four . . . I want to effing chain smoke dammit . . . Grrrrr . . . And I want B to let me. No I don't, I'd lose respect for him if he caved in after telling me I can't do something.  Yes I do . . . blast it all . . . I want my four freaking cigarettes. No . . . I don't want him to change his mind.  I don't envy him today . . . not at all.

Well now that I've ranted myself out for the moment with all of you . . . I think I'll go break all my rules.  Well, maybe not, that would be a pretty bad idea . . . No, I don't want to do that . . .

Okay I won't break all the rules . . . I'll just chain smoke.  No I won't.  Yes, I will.  I'll just have my four . . . four is the rule.  No I won't . . . I'm not going to . . . maybe . . . probably.

Here's my theme song for the day . . .

Until next time (assuming he lets me get back on the computer after this tirade),

His devoted one