But to get me to where I can write this post, I'll just share that I didn't choose my words carefully enough and B understood what I was saying in a more negative way than I intended. Our conversation took a nose dive and it took some work (and some tears on my part) to get to the other side of the conversation and into a good place. I think we made some strides in talking about how we both need to grow and some ruts we have found ourselves in that we need to find our way out of, some individually, some as a couple.
But within all of that, and kind of the beginning of all of it, was the fact that I struggled hard today with feeling very defiant and not wanting to follow any rules. The reasons that I felt that way were things that we did need to talk about, but the bottom line is there's really no good reason to just deliberately defy B's rules.
So I got myself in some trouble. I didn't get up when I was supposed to. Well, I did technically get up. . . just long enough to hit the snooze button several times and then lay back down. I was late for work. I came without permission and I smoked more cigarettes than I'm allowed.
Not a bright and shining day for me. It's really pretty unusual for me to blow it that completely and once we got to the other end of our conversation I knew that I needed to fess up and honestly I was needing a punishment. B knew that I had been feeling defiant and rebellious and that was one piece of the whole conversation but didn't know until the end that I had actually broken his rules.
So I'm not allowed to cum tonight and he had me give myself a handful of sharp swats with the backscratcher (it's been a long time since I've been spanked in any way, shape or form and oh my gosh that thing stings) and then spend
minutes in the corner.
While in the corner I was to think about why we have rules and what purpose they serve. He told me to right down my thoughts and that we will discuss it tomorrow. I figure if I'm going to right it down, I may as well do it here.
So . . . Why Rules??
- They give order to our relationship. They're a tangible show of his dominance. Things that when I do or don't do them, I should be mindful that it's because I'm submitting to him.
- Some rules make me better. Being on time for work is important. I'm not good at it on my own and B wants to lend me some of his motivation and determination to add to my own and help me to get better at this. B wants to help me quit smoking altogether. I told him I was ready to go to three a day and he made it a rule, he expects me to mind him about it as the next step toward me being cigarette-free.
- Some rules reinforce my belonging to him. For as long as we are together (which I hope is a long long time) my pleasure is not my own. I've talked about this before, and I know better than to cum without permission. . . enough said.
- Some rules are just because he said so. I don't need to get up at the time B requires to get to work on time. It's not unreasonably early, just about 10 or 15 minutes before I really *need* to be up. The "just because he said so" rules are hardest for me. They challenge my desire to submit and my willingness to obey when I don't want to. I know that this is one of my ruts, that I have to continue to work on owning my submission, especially in the times I don't feel like it, and it's still hard for me. I can feel really submissive about it at night, but in the morning it's hard to hang on to. I've asked B if I can just set the alarm for when I need to get up for work . . . he said no, that I'll set the alarm for when he tells me to. I know I just need to obey, but I'm still working on submitting to that. I want to, it's just hard for me.
- B has talked before about rules, or really any assignments or tasks or just things he tells me to do, provide a structure for me. I've told him that I want this, and I do. . . but then I sometimes rebel against it. I don't know exactly why. That's my rut, I'm gonna work on it. Some of the reasons I think I'm having a hard time settling back into the rules is because of B's "rut"... but that's another topic for another day, and I know that the way to grow in submission is to choose to act submissively, regardless of the outside factors.
I think that's all I've got about this, I don't know that it's the best post I've ever done, but I figured if I was going to think and then write . . . I may as well share it with all of you.
Until next time,
His devoted one