An Update . . . or maybe a Rant . . . Stream of Consciousness . . . I Don't Know, You Can Pick the Title . . . Okay??

I know I'm due for a blog post . . . and I really want to post something . . . but I just don't know what to write.

Think, think, think . . .

Okay here's the plan . . . I'm just gonna start typing a general update stream of consciousness style and we'll see where it takes me.

B and I started talking again a week ago and, let me tell you, it's been a weird week.  I hurt my lower back and spent last week on doctor's orders to rest and not to go to work.  It didn't really get better, and I spent the week in constant pain and taking medicine that makes me feel floaty. By the end of the week I was tired of being tired, tired of hurting and more than a little stir crazy. B worked crazy hours last week so he was growing more and more exhausted as the week went on. Basically . . . we were talking again, but the actual quality of conversation was somewhat lacking and by Sunday we were both kind of at wit's end with our individual situations.

It's important to point out that neither one of us were actually unhappy with the other at that point.

I would say that I was climbing
the walls, but my back wouldn't
have allowed for that.....

I have never dealt with chronic pain of any sort and I wasn't handling it well, and I was worried something might be really wrong with my back because it just wasn't getting better, I was feeling lonely because I'd been shut in my apartment all week, and I was just DONE.

No seriously . . . I think this was B's
opening line on Sunday night

B worked a TON of hours so he was completely exhausted, something important to him had not gone the way he was hoping and he was frustrated and disappointed about that, and his football team lost (I don't understand how that affects men's moods so considerably, but I'm choosing to be supportive of the fact that he said he was really worked up about it.) He came into Sunday's conversation DONE as well.




Wanna know what happens when two strong personalities come into a conversation like that??????

Anybody have a guess?????

No. . . are you serious??? It definitely wasn't like

 that . . . but isn't that picture beautiful??

 It came up when I image searched "collision."

I'll stick with the football analogy . . .
 Yup . . . I think that's about right . . .
 It looks something like that.

So we came together . . . and I honestly don't even remember how the conversation took the turn it did. We were chatting online, which probably contributed to it turning so quickly. I can't remember what exactly we were talking about but somehow it opened the door for him to make an offhand comment about my internal struggle with choosing to actual desire submission, as opposed to just desiring the idea of submission. I fired back something about the fact that the struggle had been mostly about trusting him, not about whether or not I wanted to submit. 

**Point of order: It's not the fact that I brought it up, but the fact that I flung it like a grenade . . . I was in a mood, I didn't want my shortcomings brought up, so when he did I flung one of his back in his face . . . which is unkind in any relationship.*

Then . . . silence.

Sometimes, if I say something challenging or something that B doesn't like he will just ignore it and move on to another subject. This is probably one of the things that he does that frustrates me the fastest because it makes me feel ignored. We're working on it . . . I know there are things that I do that aggravate him as well . . . we're not perfect people.

The crossed arms and tipped head are perfect,
double her age and cock one eyebrow and you'd
have my internal attitude in that moment.

 I needed to go to the bathroom but before walking away  from my computer, I said something like, "You didn't  like what I just said did you?"

 We can read each other well enough for him to have  understood the tone behind that question . . . and if I'm  honest (even though I'm not even sure I realized in that  moment) my attitude was less than respectful.

 I came back from the bathroom and he hadn't said  anything, so of course because I was in such a sweet  and submissive mood bratty and challenging mood the  next thing I said was . . . "Back ... and you didn't answer  my question."

 Go ahead and just read that in the absolute snarkiest and  most superior tone you can come up with and you'll  pretty much have the way I thought it in my mind.



The worst thing is that I didn't even realize I was doing it . . . right up until he ordered my ass into the corner for 30 minutes, said I was not allowed to cum that night, and that he was going to bed . . . and ended with "Is that clear???"

Then . . . and this is when I should've known something was amiss . . . I burst into tears. I didn't know exactly what I'd done wrong, immediately painted myself as the victim, felt like he was just being mean because he didn't want me to bring up hard stuff. Normally, if I'm feeling sassy, I'll stick with it and then I'll soften either by him reproaching me or through a punishment . . . bursting into tears is not my normal response. I begged him to call me after I came out of the corner and he agreed and off I went to the corner.

He didn't like that I brought up the trust issue the way that I did, but he got angry because of my challenging attitude after I brought it up. I spent 30 minutes in the corner and still didn't realize that was what had gotten me in trouble.

We got on the phone after I came out of the corner and he was so tired and my obstinate exterior had disappeared and I was just a mess of emotions. Our conversation did not go well, I was needier than he could manage, his exhaustion came across as indifference. I accused him of not caring enough to lead us . . . blah blah blah.

Anybody know what was going on with me yet????  I still had no clue. . .

The next day was my first day back to work. I had a very long day, which included a doctor's appointment because my back isn't better. I was so tired by the end of the day and for about the last two hours or so I found myself on the verge of tears over and over and over.

Any guesses now???

I was walking to my car and it hit me like a bolt of lightning . . . PMS ladies (sorry gentlemen, I know this isn't your favorite subject).  The muscle relaxers I'm taking masked all of the physical symptoms and I was in the thick of the emotional storm before I even know it was coming.

You see, sometimes PMS makes me feel like this:

If you remember, I've blogged about that before . . . here

But other times (not as often thank goodness), PMS makes me feel like this:

I feel about that old when I get like this too . . .
not like ageplay, just that I feel so fragile

I managed not to burst into tears at work, or in the parking lot on the way to my car, or in my car on the way home, and then I got home and got a phone call and got distracted and played on my computer and was still feeling like I might cry if someone looked at me wrong but couldn't actually feel the tears in the back of my eyes . . .

Then I started talking to B, I told him how I was feeling, apologized for my "craziness" the night before, we checked in and then we were going to talk more later because he was finishing up his blog post (check it out here if you haven't read it yet).

He posted it, I read it and you want to guess what happened????

If you guessed that I burst into tears you would be right . . . it brought back all of the emotions from the night before, I could ONLY see the negative things in it and got my feelings hurt. I got it in my head that he was still mad at me and went completely to pieces.

**Point of Order: It's his blog, he can post whatever he wants and it's supposed to be a place for him to "think out loud" and to vent, just like he allows me to do on here. He wasn't wrong to post something that showed some of his frustrations, I just couldn't think about it that clearly last night**

He didn't put me on my knees, but honestly, it
might have helped.

None of the things I was falling apart about were true, it was hormone induced craziness. He tried to point out the positive and I couldn't hear him, he tried to change the subject and I wouldn't let him, he finally just ordered me out of my clothes (not sure why that helps) and then told me to CALM DOWN. I did. I can't believe I did, and I can't believe it worked but it settled me enough for him to be able to change gears and get me thinking in another direction.  Then we "played" online and it was good and he was very dominant and he pushed all the right buttons and it calmed me down and I went to bed peaceful last night.

I don't envy him. He doesn't always get it exactly right, but he's a guy, so it would be weird if he did and we're still learning each other. I've gotten better about being patient with myself, I know I'm responsible for my attitude, but sometimes you just have to ride the emotions out and I know that in a day or two this will pass, but you know what I did today?? Fell apart at work, something happened that is really hard for me, something sad with a kid, and I would've been sad no matter what, but falling apart is not my style.

I'm hoping that I've expended my tears for the day so that B and I can just enjoy each other tonight. Let me show you what I mean . . .

And where my headspace stays like this . . .

We need a night where we're
like this. . .

And this . . . even this . . .

There could be some of this . . .

And definitely some of this . . .

But where I don't earn this . . .

Or end up like this . . .

And let me tell you something . . . I can't wait until we can have a night together together and hopefully it'll be a little (or a lot) like that . . . but for today, I'll settle for a night of chatting and talking that goes a little something like that . . . lol.

Well, this is a very very very long post . . . but I guess I maybe needed a rant because I feel considerably lighter than I did before I started typing.

I'll try to make the next post more cohesive . . . and shorter . . .

Until then,

His devoted one