Kenzie's Spanking Survey

Kenzie put up a survey and I wanted to participate!! So thanks to Kenzie for great questions!!!!

Also, B filled out the survey as well!!!  Check his out here.

Some of these are out of my depth because B and I are still at the start in a lot of ways, and we're long distance, and I don't have a whole lot of experience, but I'll share the best I can.

1.) Was there a certain event from your life, that sparked the spanking interest?

           I'm not really sure, I've thought about this a lot but I can't pin it on one thing. For as long as I was having sexual thoughts at all, the idea of Dominance turned me on, although I didn't know to call it that for a very long time. Having that Dominance play out by a man being willing to take me in hand and spank me was the first D/s fantasy I ever had and it was the core of my fantasies for a looooong time. I had the experience as a teenager of looking for anything that referenced spanking (like parenting books *blushing*). I really thought that made me a terrible person for a very long time until I found out that I wasn't the only person in the world who is wired this way. Thank goodness!!!!

2.) What do you most often call your HOH/Spanker? (Sir, Master, etc.)

          I call him Sir or his name. I think he might like us to explore the title Master eventually.

3.) What does your HOH/Spanker most often call you? (Young Lady, Girl, etc)

         He calls me "My devoted one". . . hence the blog title. But he also calls me Sunshine, and sometimes Sweetheart or Angel . . . when we're playing he'll call me a "minx" which always makes me blush, although I'm not sure why. Oh yeah, and Smartass . . . he calls me that a lot too.

4.) We're building a big spanko bonfire, which one implement are you bringing to toss in?

         The bath brush!!!!

5.) We all know how many punishments there are to choose from; spanking, lecturing, corner time, etc.. but what about rewards? Do you have a favorite 'reward' that is used? If not, what's something you'd like used as a reward?

      
   Hhhmmm . . . I know it's not exactly a reward, but I love it when he says "good girl" or any variation of that. He asked me why one time and I told him that it's one thing that he says where I know unequivocally and without question that I've pleased him . . . and I really like pleasing him.

6.) What's that one phrase, that when it's used, you know you're in trouble?

         "Watch it."  "That's enough."  "Come here."

7.) What's something you'd like to cross off your spanking bucket list? Being shy is not an option here people. ;)

           I've got a wide masochistic streak, so mine would be being spanked beyond what I want. Like being spanked hard/long enough that I actually really want it to stop (not just that I protest or whine because that seems like the appropriate thing to do) and then having to take more just because he says so.

8.) Someone comes to you, and says they just started practicing domestic discipline. What's the biggest piece of advice you can give them?

           Uuummmm. . . I'm not at the point of advising anyone else . . . anybody got any advice for me????

9.) Where is the craziest place you've been spanked?

            Craziest place on my body? Or craziest physical location? I've been spanked in a college dorm room (although that was more like patty cake), in a college dorm hallway (a birthday spanking that I enjoyed way more than they realized), and in a hotel room.  The hotel room was the only "real" spanking I've ever gotten.

10.) We talked about a spanking bucket list, now let's get a little more into it.. what about a BDSM style bucket list? What's something you'd like to cross off of that?

            Oh wow. . . this one's hard.  I feel like it's not a specific thing, it's more just that I want to have an experience where I have absolutely no control, to be used sexually just . . . completely. Not like debased, just owned entirely in a sexual experience. I don't know how to explain it. I guess it would have been easier to just think of a specific thing I want to try huh?? Like I want to try using plugs at some time in my life, that's a good one I guess, cause I won't do that by myself probably, I think it would lose it's appeal, I would want to be doing it at someone's order.

11.) Is there a punishment you thought you'd never try, but ended up trying and finding effective?

            I would never have even thought of using ice as a punishment, but it's not pleasant when it's used for punishment purposes.

12.) What is something you wish you knew before you started DD/TTWD?

               I wish I had known that it would evoke such intense vulnerability in me, I didn't know how it would light me up from the inside and awaken my desires in such a completely new way.

      

13.) If you could take a break from one rule, for one week, which rule would it be?

               This will probably surprise B, because it's not one I break all that often, but I would take a break from needing permission to cum.  Every once in a while I have a day where I'm just insatiable (blushing) and it's hard to have to ask on those days. 

14.) This might sound like a no brainer at first, but really think about it. If you could only have one sort of spanking in your dynamic, would you rather it be discipline or fun?

             Ooooohhh.. good question, that is really hard.  I think I would rather it be discipline, I have a deep desire for the safety that comes from having a man who will physically take me in hand.  There are lots of kinky things we could do without using spanking to still scratch the masochistic itch I get periodically or to satisfy my need to submit and his need to Dominate, but if we were only gonna spank one way, I would want it to be reserved for discipline not fun.

Bahahaha!!!  Love the pic...
but no... not me...

15.) If your HOH/Spanker messed up, and offered to let you spank them, would you? Why/Why not?

                  I don't think so, I honestly don't think I could take myself seriously enough to do it.  I just really don't have that kind of a Dominant streak. I have a very big personality and sometimes even a dominant personality in the right group, but as far as having that over a single person . . . I just don't have it in me, I'm pretty sure I'd just feel silly.

16.) What is your favorite form of aftercare?

                  Cuddling. I've said to B, after he punishes me, "I just want you to hold me." It's really hard for me that we're long distance when I'm in trouble because I just want to be as close to him as possible and that's hard when you can't touch each other.

17.) How was DD/spanking brought up to you, or how did you bring it up to your partner?

                Welp . . . we met on a spanking chat site . . . sooooo yeah . . . 'nuf said.

18.) If your spanker could use only one implement from here on out, what would they use?

                 I think he would say his cowhide leather belt . . . and I would support that decision.

19.) Do you have a favorite pair of panties to wear when you know you're going to be spanked? If so, what are they?

                We're not there yet, so I don't know.  I don't think my panties would last very long if I was going to be getting spanked, so I'm not sure it would matter very much. Cute ones though, definitely cute ones.

20.) Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) mind reading hasn't yet been perfected. What's something you want your HOH/Dom/Spanker to know? (For example, don't be afraid to spank harder, or something along those lines.) Don't be afraid, spill!
               The times he thinks he needs to calm down first, or not push me too hard, I wish he would just push or say what he's thinking without editing or filtering. I sometimes just want to tell him, "I can take it, you don't have to worry about being too hard on me or being too harsh" I wish he would expect more of me than I expect of myself.

This one is my absolute favorite . . .

And how can you not love this???
I know it's a loose connection, but
I think it's soooo cute.

*Bonus Question (just because it's fun)- Is there a picture (spanking, dd, Ds, etc related) that you just really love? If so, let's see it!*

My profile pic is my absolute favorite . . . but I'll share a few that I especially like.

She just looks like she's in trouble, not
sure why but this pic pushes my buttons.

Strong hands get me every time, and
the fact that it's tangled in her hair,
that's a pretty big turn on for me.

Strong hands again . . .

Until next time,

His devoted one

Threads of Dominance

It's been foreeeeevvvveeeeerrrr since I posted. I kinda feel like my whole life got crazy out of control.  I had an injury I was dealing with and was out of work. In my line of work, being out for multiple days in a row is a pretty bad idea because you end up coming back to complete chaos. So when I came back things were WILD and I've been running around putting band-aids on various crises and trying to stamp out small fires (and big ones) for the past two weeks. I kept trying to sit down long enough to do a blog post but I kept either thinking of something else I needed to be doing or realizing I was too tired to think in straight lines.

Soooo. . . . that's where I've been . . . not that you asked . . . lol. I'm gonna find my way around to everyone's blogs today and tomorrow and check in. I've missed everyone!!!!



When we last left our heroes The last time I posted, I talked about rules and about how B and I were trying to work our way out of a rut.  This time, I want to talk about how much I love it when B weaves threads of dominance through our interactions.

Let me explain . . .


Over the past week or so, B has just been doing little things that feel very natural to lead us and to remind me that I'm his.



He'll give me directions when I'm not expecting it, just little things . . . telling me which panties to wear as I text him about getting ready for something, put me down for a nap when I tell him I'm tired, ask what I'm wearing when we're chatting or talking and then have me take clothes off or put different ones on so that I'm dressed how he wants me.

It's the small things.



He's also gotten more dominant when we're "playing" online, once again, it's not necessarily anything new, more that we had slipped into a rut of it being missing and he's settled very naturally back into reestablishing it.  We played on the phone the other night, and he had me do something I hadn't done before and just lead me through it. There was never a question of whether or not I would obey, he simply commanded my obedience by his confidence that I would obey him and I desired to please him.

My attitude wasn't cute though . . 

He's been more mindful of expecting me to stay respectful and reined me in a handful of times when I start to slide into mouthiness or sassing him. He actually told me to "watch my attitude" through a text message . . . . and while I was not ready to do that in that moment (I flung my phone into the passenger seat of the car) I did know clearly that I was crossing a line and with some more time, I calmed down and brought myself back to center.



During our talk about being in a rut, one of the things that I said was that I couldn't tell that he was leading us and that if my desire for submission didn't inspire greater Dominance in him, then it seemed like something was wrong.

Since that conversation I have felt him weaving the threads of Dominance back through our relationship and it makes me feel so much safer and more settled.

I'm so thankful.

Until next time,
His devoted one

**Stay tuned for the next episode, where Bekah tries to find her way out of the rut of indifference.....**

Why Rules?

B and I had a tough conversation tonight, it leads to what this post is about, but I'm not really going to get into the in's and out's of it . . . maybe in another post.




But to get me to where I can write this post, I'll just share that I didn't choose my words carefully enough and B understood what I was saying in a more negative way than I intended. Our conversation took a nose dive and it took some work (and some tears on my part) to get to the other side of the conversation and into a good place.  I think we made some strides in talking about how we both need to grow and some ruts we have found ourselves in that we need to find our way out of, some individually, some as a couple.



But within all of that, and kind of the beginning of all of it, was the fact that I struggled hard today with feeling very defiant and not wanting to follow any rules.  The reasons that I felt that way were things that we did need to talk about, but the bottom line is there's really no good reason to just deliberately defy B's rules.

So I got myself in some trouble. I didn't get up when I was supposed to. Well, I did technically get up. . . just long enough to hit the snooze button several times and then lay back down. I was late for work. I came without permission and I smoked more cigarettes than I'm allowed.



Not a bright and shining day for me. It's really pretty unusual for me to blow it that completely and once we got to the other end of our conversation I knew that I needed to fess up and honestly I was needing a punishment. B knew that I had been feeling defiant and rebellious and that was one piece of the whole conversation but didn't know until the end that I had actually broken his rules.

So I'm not allowed to cum tonight and he had me give myself a handful of sharp swats with the backscratcher (it's been a long time since I've been spanked in any way, shape or form and oh my gosh that thing stings) and then spend forever 30
minutes in the corner.

While in the corner I was to think about why we have rules and what purpose they serve. He told me to right down my thoughts and that we will discuss it tomorrow. I figure if I'm going to right it down, I may as well do it here.

So . . . Why Rules??

• They give order to our relationship. They're a tangible show of his dominance. Things that when I do or don't do them, I should be mindful that it's because I'm submitting to him.

• Some rules make me better. Being on time for work is important. I'm not good at it on my own and B wants to lend me some of his motivation and determination to add to my own and help me to get better at this. B wants to help me quit smoking altogether. I told him I was ready to go to three a day and he made it a rule, he expects me to mind him about it as the next step toward me being cigarette-free.

• Some rules reinforce my belonging to him. For as long as we are together (which I hope is a long long time) my pleasure is not my own. I've talked about this before, and I know better than to cum without permission. . . enough said.

• Some rules are just because he said so. I don't need to get up at the time B requires to get to work on time. It's not unreasonably early, just about 10 or 15 minutes before I really *need* to be up. The "just because he said so" rules are hardest for me. They challenge my desire to submit and my willingness to obey when I don't want to. I know that this is one of my ruts, that I have to continue to work on owning my submission, especially in the times I don't feel like it, and it's still hard for me. I can feel really submissive about it at night, but in the morning it's hard to hang on to. I've asked B if I can just set the alarm for when I need to get up for work . . . he said no, that I'll set the alarm for when he tells me to. I know I just need to obey, but I'm still working on submitting to that. I want to, it's just hard for me.

• B has talked before about rules, or really any assignments or tasks or just things he tells me to do, provide a structure for me. I've told him that I want this, and I do. . . but then I sometimes rebel against it. I don't know exactly why. That's my rut, I'm gonna work on it. Some of the reasons I think I'm having a hard time settling back into the rules is because of B's "rut"... but that's another topic for another day, and I know that the way to grow in submission is to choose to act submissively, regardless of the outside factors.

I think that's all I've got about this, I don't know that it's the best post I've ever done, but I figured if I was going to think and then write . . . I may as well share it with all of you.

Until next time,

His devoted one

An Update . . . or maybe a Rant . . . Stream of Consciousness . . . I Don't Know, You Can Pick the Title . . . Okay??

I know I'm due for a blog post . . . and I really want to post something . . . but I just don't know what to write.

Think, think, think . . .

Okay here's the plan . . . I'm just gonna start typing a general update stream of consciousness style and we'll see where it takes me.

B and I started talking again a week ago and, let me tell you, it's been a weird week.  I hurt my lower back and spent last week on doctor's orders to rest and not to go to work.  It didn't really get better, and I spent the week in constant pain and taking medicine that makes me feel floaty. By the end of the week I was tired of being tired, tired of hurting and more than a little stir crazy. B worked crazy hours last week so he was growing more and more exhausted as the week went on. Basically . . . we were talking again, but the actual quality of conversation was somewhat lacking and by Sunday we were both kind of at wit's end with our individual situations.

It's important to point out that neither one of us were actually unhappy with the other at that point.

I would say that I was climbing
the walls, but my back wouldn't
have allowed for that.....

I have never dealt with chronic pain of any sort and I wasn't handling it well, and I was worried something might be really wrong with my back because it just wasn't getting better, I was feeling lonely because I'd been shut in my apartment all week, and I was just DONE.

No seriously . . . I think this was B's
opening line on Sunday night

B worked a TON of hours so he was completely exhausted, something important to him had not gone the way he was hoping and he was frustrated and disappointed about that, and his football team lost (I don't understand how that affects men's moods so considerably, but I'm choosing to be supportive of the fact that he said he was really worked up about it.) He came into Sunday's conversation DONE as well.




Wanna know what happens when two strong personalities come into a conversation like that??????

Anybody have a guess?????

No. . . are you serious??? It definitely wasn't like

 that . . . but isn't that picture beautiful??

 It came up when I image searched "collision."

I'll stick with the football analogy . . .
 Yup . . . I think that's about right . . .
 It looks something like that.

So we came together . . . and I honestly don't even remember how the conversation took the turn it did. We were chatting online, which probably contributed to it turning so quickly. I can't remember what exactly we were talking about but somehow it opened the door for him to make an offhand comment about my internal struggle with choosing to actual desire submission, as opposed to just desiring the idea of submission. I fired back something about the fact that the struggle had been mostly about trusting him, not about whether or not I wanted to submit. 

**Point of order: It's not the fact that I brought it up, but the fact that I flung it like a grenade . . . I was in a mood, I didn't want my shortcomings brought up, so when he did I flung one of his back in his face . . . which is unkind in any relationship.*

Then . . . silence.

Sometimes, if I say something challenging or something that B doesn't like he will just ignore it and move on to another subject. This is probably one of the things that he does that frustrates me the fastest because it makes me feel ignored. We're working on it . . . I know there are things that I do that aggravate him as well . . . we're not perfect people.

The crossed arms and tipped head are perfect,
double her age and cock one eyebrow and you'd
have my internal attitude in that moment.

 I needed to go to the bathroom but before walking away  from my computer, I said something like, "You didn't  like what I just said did you?"

 We can read each other well enough for him to have  understood the tone behind that question . . . and if I'm  honest (even though I'm not even sure I realized in that  moment) my attitude was less than respectful.

 I came back from the bathroom and he hadn't said  anything, so of course because I was in such a sweet  and submissive mood bratty and challenging mood the  next thing I said was . . . "Back ... and you didn't answer  my question."

 Go ahead and just read that in the absolute snarkiest and  most superior tone you can come up with and you'll  pretty much have the way I thought it in my mind.



The worst thing is that I didn't even realize I was doing it . . . right up until he ordered my ass into the corner for 30 minutes, said I was not allowed to cum that night, and that he was going to bed . . . and ended with "Is that clear???"

Then . . . and this is when I should've known something was amiss . . . I burst into tears. I didn't know exactly what I'd done wrong, immediately painted myself as the victim, felt like he was just being mean because he didn't want me to bring up hard stuff. Normally, if I'm feeling sassy, I'll stick with it and then I'll soften either by him reproaching me or through a punishment . . . bursting into tears is not my normal response. I begged him to call me after I came out of the corner and he agreed and off I went to the corner.

He didn't like that I brought up the trust issue the way that I did, but he got angry because of my challenging attitude after I brought it up. I spent 30 minutes in the corner and still didn't realize that was what had gotten me in trouble.

We got on the phone after I came out of the corner and he was so tired and my obstinate exterior had disappeared and I was just a mess of emotions. Our conversation did not go well, I was needier than he could manage, his exhaustion came across as indifference. I accused him of not caring enough to lead us . . . blah blah blah.

Anybody know what was going on with me yet????  I still had no clue. . .

The next day was my first day back to work. I had a very long day, which included a doctor's appointment because my back isn't better. I was so tired by the end of the day and for about the last two hours or so I found myself on the verge of tears over and over and over.

Any guesses now???

I was walking to my car and it hit me like a bolt of lightning . . . PMS ladies (sorry gentlemen, I know this isn't your favorite subject).  The muscle relaxers I'm taking masked all of the physical symptoms and I was in the thick of the emotional storm before I even know it was coming.

You see, sometimes PMS makes me feel like this:

If you remember, I've blogged about that before . . . here

But other times (not as often thank goodness), PMS makes me feel like this:

I feel about that old when I get like this too . . .
not like ageplay, just that I feel so fragile

I managed not to burst into tears at work, or in the parking lot on the way to my car, or in my car on the way home, and then I got home and got a phone call and got distracted and played on my computer and was still feeling like I might cry if someone looked at me wrong but couldn't actually feel the tears in the back of my eyes . . .

Then I started talking to B, I told him how I was feeling, apologized for my "craziness" the night before, we checked in and then we were going to talk more later because he was finishing up his blog post (check it out here if you haven't read it yet).

He posted it, I read it and you want to guess what happened????

If you guessed that I burst into tears you would be right . . . it brought back all of the emotions from the night before, I could ONLY see the negative things in it and got my feelings hurt. I got it in my head that he was still mad at me and went completely to pieces.

**Point of Order: It's his blog, he can post whatever he wants and it's supposed to be a place for him to "think out loud" and to vent, just like he allows me to do on here. He wasn't wrong to post something that showed some of his frustrations, I just couldn't think about it that clearly last night**

He didn't put me on my knees, but honestly, it
might have helped.

None of the things I was falling apart about were true, it was hormone induced craziness. He tried to point out the positive and I couldn't hear him, he tried to change the subject and I wouldn't let him, he finally just ordered me out of my clothes (not sure why that helps) and then told me to CALM DOWN. I did. I can't believe I did, and I can't believe it worked but it settled me enough for him to be able to change gears and get me thinking in another direction.  Then we "played" online and it was good and he was very dominant and he pushed all the right buttons and it calmed me down and I went to bed peaceful last night.

I don't envy him. He doesn't always get it exactly right, but he's a guy, so it would be weird if he did and we're still learning each other. I've gotten better about being patient with myself, I know I'm responsible for my attitude, but sometimes you just have to ride the emotions out and I know that in a day or two this will pass, but you know what I did today?? Fell apart at work, something happened that is really hard for me, something sad with a kid, and I would've been sad no matter what, but falling apart is not my style.

I'm hoping that I've expended my tears for the day so that B and I can just enjoy each other tonight. Let me show you what I mean . . .

And where my headspace stays like this . . .

We need a night where we're
like this. . .

And this . . . even this . . .

There could be some of this . . .

And definitely some of this . . .

But where I don't earn this . . .

Or end up like this . . .

And let me tell you something . . . I can't wait until we can have a night together together and hopefully it'll be a little (or a lot) like that . . . but for today, I'll settle for a night of chatting and talking that goes a little something like that . . . lol.

Well, this is a very very very long post . . . but I guess I maybe needed a rant because I feel considerably lighter than I did before I started typing.

I'll try to make the next post more cohesive . . . and shorter . . .

Until then,

His devoted one

Baby Steps . . . A Beginning

Well. . . B and I are trying again.  If I'm honest, I have to admit that I'm harboring some doubts, but I want it to work and so I'm giving it an honest try . . . Time will tell.

The week we didn't talk was hard, and I missed him terribly; but it was also just enough time for me to remember that there are needs and there are wants.  I want for B and I to work out, but it's not a "need."

Talking to him again has filled a void in me, he's good for me . . . I do know that.  Long distance is complicated and I think we will still have some serious hurdles, but I want to try again and see if we can pull this off.  He is eager to try again, and to change the things that need to be changed to make us better . . . to move us forward.

I told him that I don't know that I will be able to trust him, really trust him, until he makes it up here and we meet in person. He said he understands that.  I don't know if he really understands how high the walls are around my heart right now, how much I'm self protecting. I think, in some ways, I have to do that right now, until I see for myself that he is committed to moving us forward, until I see it with his actions and not just his words.

I feel like I'm not sure what all to say about it, I have lots of feelings all criss-crossed inside of me and I'm still sorting them.





On paper we're unbelievably good for each other. We share the same faith, the same basic political views. We have varied interests, but we're genuinely interested in learning about what the other is passionate about. We have the same ideas about family and about what sort of place we would like to live (neither one of us are big city sort of people).

I find myself wishing that we just lived in the same place, but alas, that is not to be right now. So we'll keep working our way through this long distance thing.

Right now, we're moving in baby steps.

Until next time,
His devoted one

P.S. If anyone has any specific advice on weathering long distance relationships, particularly D/s relationships or if you know of any good websites where we could look for advice that would be awesome. feel free to email it to either of us, or just put in in comments on either of our blogs.