I Think I'm in Trouble . . .

I don't have very many rules right now, and, if I'm honest, they are not all that hard to follow.

Every once in a while though, I get it in my head that I don't really **need** to follow one rule or another.  I've tried to explain what happens in my head to B, but honestly, it's different each time.

This time for example . . . .

I had food poisoning yesterday.  I was throwing up pretty spectacularly, it scared me, I went to urgent care.  They gave me some medicine, I went home and took it and then proceeded to sleep soundly for about four hours.  B called me, checked on me.  He was very, very sweet and we talked for a little bit, but he had a long day, and today was going to be another long day for him, so we didn't talk for long.  I was still feeling pretty wiped out, but because I took a four hour "nap", I was also wide awake.  I tossed and turned for awhile and couldn't get back settled.  Well, there's something that will sometimes settle me enough to help me drift off (blushing crimson).

Enter the rule in question . . . . I'm not allowed to cum without permission.  I belong to Him, all of me, including my pleasure.  I don't mind the rule most of the time, I think it makes sense.  We even have a built in loop hole for times like last night. B started giving me two "get out of jail free" cards each month.

If I break a rule by accident, or if I want to break one at a time like last night when calling him would definitely have been a bad idea, because he was sleeping . . . I have this gift of two freebies that I can use. My two cards are were still intact. So. . .  no harm done, and I slept like a baby for the rest of the night.

(I don't look anything like her, but I think that's a pretty good depiction of post-O bliss... lol)

Now we're to this morning. I woke up and read some blogs. I'm re-reading 50 shades so I read some of that. In my defense, between those two things, who wouldn't want to cum. B's cell phone is not working, so I couldn't text him to ask for permission.  I still had a "get out of jail free card" in my back pocket so I used it. I don't know that B would have been particularly impressed that I used two in a row so quickly, but they're mine and there's no rules about how I use them, just that there's only two.  Well, now there are *zero* until July 1.

So now we are to this afternoon . . . I realize that this post is making me look like a wanton sex addict, but honestly, haven't you ever had a day when you were just insatiable???  I have them periodically, today was one of those days and I was fanning the flame.

I'm also feeling much, much better, but my stomach is still a little weak so I took it easy for the most part. On days where I take it easy like that, I tend to curl up with a book.

The book I'm reading right now is 50 shades . . . so I was just asking for trouble.  

Anyway, I'm avoiding telling what happened.  I curled back up and started reading again and got myself all hot and bothered, and then things fell apart in my head.  What I think when this happens changes at least a little from time to time but the gist stays the same.  I wanted to cum and knew I wasn't allowed. I thought about the rule and twisted it in my head to decide that it wasn't really very important.  I decided really this is B's fault for having a phone that doesn't work.  I decided that the punishment won't be that bad and that I don't really need to worry about it. I decided that it was worth it to break the rule and ask for forgiveness later.

Those thoughts lasted until about four and a half minutes after I broke the rule. Then they started falling apart in my head and I remembered who I am, and what I've chosen with B.

• I realized that B has given me the gift of the get out of jail free card and I used them up and then took advantage of his kindness by breaking a rule.  

• I realized that regardless of how frustrating it is for me when B's phone doesn't work, I am a full grown woman with self control and I was fully capable of waiting until I could get permission tonight. 

• Another thing about this point is that my being turned on coming into tonight could have been a gift to him and I wasted that opportunity.  

• I remembered that the rule is important for the reasons I gave earlier and because regardless of how "big" the rule is, willfully disobeying him is not okay, and I know better and want to be better than that. 

•  I remembered that B and I recently had a looooong conversation about punishment, which I'll have to tell you about in another post, but the important thing is that I told him I don't take his punishments seriously and he basically said we'd take care of that the next time I crossed him. 

• I remembered how unhappy B was the last time I broke this rule, and how much I HATE it when he's unhappy with me. 

As all of these things came into light in my brain, I realized that it definitely, definitely wasn't worth it to break the rule.

So now I'm mentally kicking myself for letting myself go there and getting all disobedient in my head. 

So yeah . . . I think I'm in trouble . . . I haven't talked to him yet . . . I'll guess I'll tell you guys what happens later.  I'm gonna sit here and pout for a little bit while I wait for him to get home from work.  Other people have these irrational moments too right??  I'm really hoping it's not just me . . . .

Until Later,
His devoted one